Smartphone: The main detonator in the PMO addiction.

The "silly phone" might give him a brain tumour (if you mean a flip phone)

 

this is the perfect solution.

i have the same problem and so i use an ordinary phone without internet for most of the time.

being his wife must be tough for you.
hope your husband recovers fast.
good days await for you both.

 

He could also consider installing accountability software. This is what I do on my phone, and it has been very helpful. Wishing you both the best!

 

If someone has an addiction, they will always find a way. So getting another phone is not a solution.
You have to realize that addiction is not easy to break and when people seek the behavior they loose sense of right and wrong.
When people begin recovery they have this very clear idea that it is wrong but as time goes on they are not reminded and they begin to "forget", it just does not seem as serious to them especially when they crave it.
So critical component in helping someone recover is to keep reminding them how bad the behavior is and constantly engage them about it, otherwise overtime they begin to think it is no longer important - since it is not discussed.
Addict has to be constantly engaged and aware that his behavior monitored and that he could not easily hide it.

For example if you ask him often if he watched it - he will have to deal with emotional stress this brings but only if he did use, if he did not its will be easy to just reply.
If you never ask him - then he begins to forget this is even an issue.
Being proactive and monitoring someone with addiction this way causes them to develop anxiety around the activity, they have to decide if doing the activity and then worrying about being discovered is worth it and that helps allot.
But unless you are good with body language do not try to interpret his responses as honest or not honest. Just bringing this up is enough, it creates the environment.

 

I had a Nokia 3210 for a year and it was SO liberating. Though tough in this world today and not for everyone. You've really got to WANT to quit!

Covenant Eyes is amazing accountability software and helped me up my game with recovery 100%

Finally, be careful. It is hard to be the partner of an addict and you can get into dangerous territory of co-dependence etc which can be quite damaging to both parties. I feel your pain as I was trying to get my wife to stop drinking and smoking and ended up doing myself and our marriage more harm than good.

Paula Halls book on Porn Addiction has some lovely helpful sections for loved ones of those struggling with recovery which might help you.

Just remember. You cannot change anyone else yourself. It is not healthy to do so. The change has to come from them. Then it will be a true recovery with less chance of relapse. You have to do all you can to be supportive and find your way of getting that balance between acceptance and encouragement.

Good luck.

 

Can you elaborate
Rebootlan,
Can you elaborate on dangerous territory of codependency...... and what that looks like...... thank u

 

Sure thing.
I think the point I was making is that it can be a bit of a tightrope managing a situation like that. It is tough when you care for someone but their behaviour is doing them and your relationship harm.
Co-dependence is when the boundaries between your lives, faults and problems, and the responsibility for those problems become entangled.

Real example-
My wife was struggling, drinking too much and smoking which I hated. I pressured her all the time which made her feel worse and shameful and just made her drink and smoke even more. I felt hurt and frustrated and unloved as she wouldn't do this thing for me, for us, for herself.
I took on her problems as my own and spent all of my energy worrying about her and engineering situations to limit or cease her exposure to stress and triggers. This was very draining for me. I loved her so much but was pushing her away.
I then took a step back as I felt rejected, went to porn, got addicted, struggled with fear and anxiety and depression myself.
Our intimacy suffered, we stopped talking properly, sex became an elephant in the room.
We are now both clean and have around 6 months recovery behind us but as a couple that has not had sex in nearly 2 years (having only been married 1!) We are going through couples sex therapy.

Hopefully that adds context. Basically get advice and be very careful as often with an addict (or our case a pair of addicts) thiughts, feelings and actions are so enmeshed and sensitive it is hard to unpick things and find a truth. It is also common for things to escalate as you have seen here.
DM me of you need to take this offline.
Best of luck x

 

Have you thought of forcing him to change phones? Meaning, buy him a Nokia for example and take away his smartphone? And tell him this has to be a kind of boundary?

 

Smartphone is a necessity... learning control when having smart phone is better than to leave it....

 

I agree completely. For me personally, deleting social media apps from my phone has really made a difference. I see no reason to get rid of your smartphone, but I think getting rid of social media apps is essential to recovery.

 

I think ditching the smartphone is a great idea for some people. You always hear the “if there is a will there is a way” defense to keep a smartphone, or to down play the benefits of switching to a dumb phone, but let’s face it setting up an environment that takes into account the fragile state of the addict is a smart decision. People must crawl before they can walk and walk before they can run. Yes, where there is a will there is a way and where there is a fragile will there is no sense in leaving one with a portable temptation device. Might as well tell the newly recovering alcoholic to not stay away from dining venues that have a bar since it doesn’t matter because “where there is a will there is a way”.

On another note if you want the benefits of a dumb phone for your smartphone then I’ve found iPhones to be the best option. They allow you the ability to restrict having the browser on the device as well as being unable to install apps. You can also set it up in such a way that would keep them from resetting the device through iCloud. While it would be a pain to hard reset, you could in order to get access. Some people don’t want to go that far and for those I think setting up the smartphone with those restrictions is a great help. For those who don’t care about hard resetting, well, they’re better off with an actual flip phone for now.

 

I agree, a smartphone is not a necessity. But it is a detonator, apparently!