Recently hit 30 and somewhat depressed I still have this addiction.

I know it's probably unrealistic, but when I was younger I thought I would have handled this issue by now but now that I'm 30 and have a child and I'm still struggling with porn, its hard not to want to sink into the depths of self-loathing and pity.

Porn has dominated my life since I was 9 and I don't even know who I am without it. I didnt even realize until recently that, that was a huge factor for me having an issue with stopping. Its become a part of my identity, my routine, my coping mechanism. Seeing the next scene, orgasm, cumshot, compilation, etc and now that I'm coming to terms with TRULY breaking free from it, I realize porn has been kind to me in so many ways.

It's been nurturing (in a relative sense, I know its not truly nurturing) when I didnt have the affections of my mother or other matriarchs, it taught me about sex where my father or lack of any paternal figure failed to, it was there to help me cope in my darkest depression and it also allowed me to feel connect to beautiful women when I felt so rejected for growing up over weight and awkward (which Im now sure porn played a huge factor ironically). It has also been there throughout all the hard time growing up in a dysfunctional family and has been there at my loneliest moments.

But I also realize the damage it has cause and how deeply it was twisted my mind and sapped me of my greatest strengths. I know I'm superman at his peak if only I could escape from the kryptonite, but what can I do if I'm addicted to the kryptonite?

Its like im addicted to being weak and having a lack of self-control. I don't know. My head is all over the place.

I don't have any marketable career skills and I don't think im that much different from when I was younger. Ive started my own business but its not making money and I started a youtube channel which I recently started utilizing as a means to come out about my addiction but I need to break free so that I can take charge in my life and be a pillar for my family and a stellar example for my son.

Can anyone relate? Im 5 days or so porn and masturbation free, but I feel like I'm going out of my damn mind. I've been more tired than I ever have been the last few days. can anyone relate?

 

In what ways do you think I'm being too strict? How can I be less strict with myself?

 

Yeah you're probably right. I have always had a difficult time of letting the past go in general. I hang onto things too much. I suppose I'm doing that with porn too, hanging onto something that is truly in the past in my heart but my mind hasnt gotten the memo yet....well maybe it has but I've been at this cross road for far too long. I guess its time I finally take a leap of faith.

 

I downloaded the guide. But I'm also curious as to why my post was moved from the 30year old age group forum to this one? I understand it's a bit lengthy, but I posted it there to get insight from other people in my age range to see if they could relate to any of my experiences, or thought processes and maybe grant me some insight. It seems like someone looked at the posts length, read a paragraph or sentence and deemed it inappropriate for the section prematurely.

 

No, that's alright. I'm still becoming familiar with the forum and I'm not entirely sure what you mean yet. I haven't finished reading the getting started guide so I'll do that first. For now Ill just trust whoever moved my post put it in the place its suppose to be. Thanks for messaging me about though, I appreciate it.

 

I can agree with you on that front. Ive spent a lot of time thinking about the kind of person I would have developed into if I was never introduced to porn or at least not exposed to it until a much later age. To be honest though after years of thinking like that, I've started to realize that I adore who I am and I wouldnt be me, have met my wife and had my beautiful son or met all of the amazing people I have if my life course was altered and thats not something I'd change ever. And yes I completely agree with you, the struggles always make a person stronger. The finest swords were forged in the hottest flames and tempered by being beaten with against an anvil continuously. The way I see it, all of us on here are just unrefined blades, struggling to take their true shape.

Thanks for messaging me brother, your words built me up more than you could imagine.