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Does your spouse know?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jun 3, 2019.

  1. I’m new to this program here and I’m doing nofap on efforts to clean up an unhealthy obsession with sexually natured anonymous online chats from the app Whisper. My spouse has no idea that I ever engaged in that activity, let alone that it is something that I feel has gotten out of control.

    I feel different already after abstaining from it for 8 days (one slip up in there). I know that I should clue her in on this part of my life as her support would be helpful. However she cannot ever know what I was doing. I fear she will be less than forgiving if she knew about the full extent of my problem.

    Is anyone else going through this without clueing in their SO?
     
    Nervesofsteel likes this.
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I found out after 19 years of my husband lying to me. She'll find out one way or another. She probably already suspects. It's better to tell her instead of her discovering it because then she'll find your efforts to stop more genuine rather than you doing it just because you got caught. It's ALWAYS better to be up front rather than have her uncover it on her own.
     
  3. Telling my wife was the best decision I’ve ever made. She has been very supportive. She would have figured out something was up anyway once I started having brutal withdrawals.
     
  4. Nervesofsteel

    Nervesofsteel Fapstronaut

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    My opinion, rather drive a rusty nail in my eye then tell my wife... thats all I need right now dark unforgiving shroud of vindictive wife.. On the other hand I read somewhere wifes can be awesome and understanding. Choose your battles wisely and good luck.
     
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    If she's vindictive, why are you married to her?
     
  6. Lol. As a wife yea...we get a little bent out of shape. Currently my hubby's been through months of an ass reaming :) hes doing GREAT though. I'm proud of him!
     
  7. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    There are two ways to look at this you can get the dark shroud of vindictiveness over with early and start your recovery or she can find out you been hiding it and get the super dose of the shroud later which could end up as her holding that rusty nail for you, the risk is yours to take!

    P.S. my wife has been very supportive and as helpful as she can seeing the things I have done but it's better to not keeps secrets cause secrets make for a bad relationship!
     
  8. You know your wife best mate; you will make a decision but just know she has the right to make her own too.

    I would say that if you are here for your betterment you will quickly realize secrecy is your biggest enemy.

    Go ahead and start your recovery without your wife. Many guys in here wait til their wife is about to kick them out before admitting to any issues. By then, it’s a herculean battle to open up their spouse, help her manage her betrayal trauma and prove they are restored.

    Only a few of us are man enough to get the help independent of what our wives think , whether they stay or leave. You can’t let fear of losing her run you man.

    I am telling you that as someone who had had many many affairs.

    All addictions rely on secrecy. Have you seen the terry crews admissions in YouTube ? It’s worth a gander.

    I would do your reboot and see how long you can go. Get an ap though. And with him be 100% honest. Start there. And just because not everyone here is as understanding ; “for to whom much is forgiven, the same loves much !!”
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
  9. Urge Surfer

    Urge Surfer Fapstronaut

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    I understand the reasoning behind the advice to own up, but personally I won't. I'm quitting porn because its damaging to me, to my relationship with my wife and for whole host of other reasons. Theres a lot to deal with.
    I love my wife to pieces and not wanting to hurt her is the main driver behind my decision to quit, along with wanting to be able to look her and my daughters in the eyes and not feel shame.
    Telling my wife and hurting her unnecessarily doesn't seem fair on her to be honest. She's done nothing wrong, she doesn't deserve the pain and the hurt. Only I deserve that. I use this site to do my talking and soul searching, for support to spare her . She's happy and I won't selfishly ruin that happiness .
     
  10. There aren’t many who say this, but it
    Sounds good to me. Some women think they ought to know everything their husbands think have done or want to do... but I think this can lead to a level of snooping or codependency that is toxic.

    I say detach yourself from your wife In order to deal with your personal problems. You can separate voluntarily in some sense—- (I did anyways) and in doing so you are honest for yourself and she needs (not wants ) to know what all you are dealing with you have the right to tell her and she has the right to respect your decision as well.

    My point is conversely, you don’t need to hide that you are in recovery —/ in fact to remain healthy it’s best to be truthful with someone (that’s how your wife will see it.). But there are even sex-therapists and psychologists who agree with your basic tenet that a “talk-show - reveal-all” talk isn’t always helpful.

    I travel for work a lot and I told my wife, “when I’m 1,000 miles away the person making the decisions is me. Nobody will know if I choose otherwise. Therefore Your choice as my wife is to trust me; You have an illusion whether you can control me. But ultimately you can’t be in charge of me, the person making the decisions is me.”

    Sometimes women misunderstand their role because they never see you when you go to the dark side . But the way guys talk when it’s just guys, or even when they are alone with a computer screen reveals there is much more to our nature than how we are “at home” in front of family.

    But here — with your AP, be honest. 100%. Don’t try to protect yourself or protect them. You will heal MUCH faster.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2019
    Nervesofsteel likes this.
  11. Honestly speaking. As an SO. I WISH I didn't know now what I know.

    I "knew" the things he was doing. Not all. Not details. Not the extent of it. Sure it's given me some closure but it's also changed me for life and so much to process and get past.

    A lot of days I do wish my husband's journey was his alone. Simply because it's an overload of emotions, concerns, and even more questions and worries.

    Just being honest.
     
  12. I hid my PMO from my wife for the first 15 years of our marriage. I eventually came to the place in my own recovery (after about 2 years of tackling it head-on) that I could not move forward further without being honest with her. The day I confessed was one of the scariest of my life; I was prepared for her to walk out, and she would have been justified in doing so. I did not reveal every little detail, but I did tell her how long and how often I had used P as a way of self-soothing.

    We worked it out, but I had never had a physical affair or participated in cams or anything like that -- there was never any two-way interaction with another living human being. Just me alone watching vids and looking at pictures. Had I crossed that line, my wife would have left. That was her firm boundary. So it could have gone very differently, and I know it does go differently for many. Still, I went into the confession prepared for her to leave. Honesty can be costly. I could not see a way to build a real relationship of any kind -- let alone a marriage! -- on deceit. I felt I had to be up-front with her if the damage I had done were ever to be repaired.

    That's just my experience. I am glad I was honest with her and myself. I am committed to staying that way. It took me a while to get the courage to do so with her and to realize how necessary it was for both of us in order to move forward.
     
  13. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Tough love and truth is what you are going to get from me. If you don't want her to know, then you are trying to protect your addiction and not her!! If you can't even give this up for ONE WEEK without a slip up, it's more of a problem than you think. You can deny you have a problem and say it's better if your wife didn't know, but secrets are apart of the addiction. You get a rush from doing naughty things behind your wife's back. Lying is the gasoline to the fire.
    Would you want to know she was chatting sexually with other men and flirting about getting together with them or sharing nude pics? Maybe she is! You wouldn't know though, as she thinks its better for you to be in the dark about it. Afterall, she doesn't want to hurt you and have to deal with your emotions from your feelings getting hurt. Selfish? Yep. And you are doing the same. Wake up!
     
  14. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This is interesting because you say she is happy, but you also say it is damaging to your relationship with your wife. I doubt she is as happy as you think. You cannot have a relationship with only yourself. Your wife should know you have a problem with sex chats/apps. You don't have to tell her all the dirty details, but how often, when, and where you do it is a must. If you really want the support and to help your relationship, she has to know.
     
    Hopefulgirl and need4realchg like this.
  15. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Although I don't necessarily agree with everything you said, I do agree with this. My husband kept failing because he did it for me in the past. Now, he is doing it for himself without promise of me sticking around. And let me tell you, THIS TIME he is making an amazing change all around! He is taking care of himself, exercising, eating better, making boundries with his job, treating me better, sex is so much better with him now, and the kids have a father present instead of in the screen of a phone or computer!! When you do it for yourself instead of the fear of losing the relationship, it is then you will really bond with your wife and become a better man.
     
  16. Urge Surfer

    Urge Surfer Fapstronaut

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    I understand that. I just don't see why, if I can heal myself, with the help.of this site and others she should pay a price for my sins . I've come to realise that if I continued down that path, I would hate myself, I already do to some degree. I've come to realise that I want to feel a full range of emotions in all their glory, not the dulled, deep sensitized emotions that porn has left me with.
    I don't expect sympathy or even unanimous agreement from everybody about my chosen way but right now , in .y heart I just want to protect her and heal myself. And that's the genuine truth.
     
    Deleted Account and need4realchg like this.
  17. That is where I started. It's not a bad place to be, tbh. Keep moving forward. Some day, you may feel differently. If and when you do (and I think you will), you will find in that day the strength you need to do what you must.

    Until then, keep walking the path. Absolutely no PMO.
     
    Seeking Help and need4realchg like this.
  18. Noble of you and loving. However, she knows to some extent I'm sure. It's a personal choice for you and a hard one. Regardless of how much you try to protect her you cant. She's faced some degree of your sins even from a guarded position. She can be your greatest ally or your biggest downfall. It's really a hard path alone.

    Prayers to you both, hugs and love. You got this, stay strong and vigilant and be the best you ever :)
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  19. @Seeking Help
    I understand exactly where you are coming from. And like @Tao Jones said, this is not a bad place to start. Only addition I would add is, the best lesson I have learned is self-hate leads to self-destructive behaviors. If you want to eliminate the circle, sorry for sounding like a hippie, but you need to love yourself and aggressively go after anything that is "fear-based." You are still under some powerful brain effects.

    @fadedfidelity I have appreciated your straight talk. thanks! I haven't checked in with your story for a while, but I'm so glad to hear you validate that self-care is best. I also agree, trying to hide our sins is not a recipe for success.


    I loved the suggestions another SO sent my way in the book: "No more Mr. Nice Guy." Dr. Robert Glover. He advocates learning how to be selfish, for your personal health's sake. Not that taking care of oneself is actually selfish, but it's what often gets missed when rebuilding a character that is learned to give themselves to an addiction or a dominant personality.

    That's why, self-care is a very different way to frame the problem. For example, Exercising for my OWN health, seems to me to be the best reason. So many addicts lose track of time, don't manage personal hygiene, mismanage money, don't go to the gym for all the same self-depreciating attitudes.

    I'd suggest addicts decide they want to end their toxic habit and change--long before they have any self-drive or plan to really achieve it. It never fails, as soon as some random pain returns, they run back to their addiction, losing hope that kicking this thing is truly possible.

    That's why I'm suggesting the 1st step is develop a network where they can feel safe to uncover, discover their problem in a healthy way--something that can replace/substitute PMO while they are learning to be an adult (again). Dealing with their feelings again. Learning how to face their wives instead of run (again). Choose to have real sex (instead of PMO) again. Face the reality of PIED if it's already setting in and how to be okay with that instead of running to cope with it (again).
     
    Seeking Help likes this.
  20. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    This. Nothing my husband ever did hurt as much as him denying me the right to make an informed decision.
     
    need4realchg likes this.

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