I have enough of it...

I'm spending a lot of time with my horn playing passages, concerts, orchestral exceprts for the auditions and competitions... Lately I feel like unable to do any musical or technical skill, I keep on adjusting the embochure, listen to the sound coming out from the bell, try to take advantage of my master's lessons, and it looks like it's always the same thing: bad sound, bad studying, wrong notes or notes unable to come out as they should, etc...

I spend hours and hours during my day in order to improve, but the only result is frustration and anger, and the next competition is on june 5th...

I tried to do some other warm up exercises, but no way: always the same things...

So I stopped playing and started writing here. When I walk down the streets I look at women, maybe with skirts of tight yoga pants, and I think to myself:"Oh finally something hat I like!"; you know what? I'd like to relapse once again, just to have even the illusion of a satisfaction, but I'm afraid of the fact that it's a mortal sin...

Here I am now...

 

Probably a year is too much; when a musician stops playing for a day, the musician itself is the only one able to hear the difference; when he stops fo two days, the others can hear it... It's like a uphill ide: you can't stop, becaue otherwise you fall down...

 

And I have to say that I practically invested all my life on music, because I wanted to be a musician. Now I don't have any offer, noone calling me for a concert except who wants me to play for free, just for "fun"... I miss the days when music was so much satisfying... Now it's like a hamster wheel, and I don't know what to do...

 

Eventually I didn't do it... I relapsed with no orgasm once again, because I soon get bored of porn... The only satisfying thing of it is the expectation, nothing else...

Sometimes I wish I had someone by my side...

 

It's a choice that I have done a lot of years ago. I studied in conservatory, I had some jobs in orchestras, and this is my life. I wonder how worst was my life if I didn't choose music. It's my professional vocation, but I don't know how