I'm ashamed of myself and in a dark place

First if you are thinking about suicide, call a hotline now.
Second what you are describing is escalation and it happens to us all. The brain is trying to get the next most exciting thing to try and keep those chemical levels high. It is not that you are a horrible person.
You can get past this.
Read, learn and start making you plan. You can get back to you.
Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing.

 

Please do not commit suicide. reach out to someone, call a hotline. Your family and friends would be devestated to lose you.

Have you read www.yourbrainonporn.com
what you are experiencing is very normal for a porn addict. we all have experienced escelating fetishes to different levels. The shock wears off and before too long thats the only way you can get off.

I hope you are ok, brother. Suicide is never the answer. Hang in there!

 

Please, please, please read this. Then read this again and again - until it begins to resonate. What you are describing is textbook runaway addiction, not textbook 'I'm a bad person.' But some changes are necessary...

First and foremost, begin the process of stepping out of this addiction today! Come here often. Read and write a lot. Look into getting a porn filter on your computer(s) - I recommend K9 Web Protection for this purpose. Then take the next good step and the next good step and the next...

I've been similar places and it's awful and confusing and exhausting and humiliating. With a lot of work and a great deal of patience, something different is possible.

 

I believe if I grew up in a time without the internet I wouldn't have this problem.

And there....he said it. I truly believe that everything brings about consequences....they may be good or bad. The internet has brought us much good and much bad. Are our lives better for it? I'm not sure. It keeps us connected to work when we should be focused on family. It allows us to bank easily, but it allows people to hack in and steal our money. Make no mistake, I had a PMO problem well before the internet. YET, it only escalated so far. There were certain sections of the video store I wouldn't cross into. I wouldn't take THAT genre to the front desk. So, even with an adult bookstore, there was still some boundaries. In the secret of my home, with no one watching, curiosity can get the best of us as we escalate. Places we NEVER would go in real life are right there. All we have to do is click a button. All the sudden we are in that bad place without ever having to go anywhere. Again, we would never have gone there in real life. The internet thankfully isn't real life, but it exposes us in a very negative way. I have read the site others are talking about. It makes so much sense. Don't give up on yourself!

 

I know how you feel man. I have been there. Mine escalated into some disturbing stuff too. But yes, it does get better. I kinda forget sometimes what I was into. I kinda forgot about me liking some hardcore stuff untill I read this and has some flashbacks. But yes just stay away from P. Just FLEE from it! Your mind can go back to normal. You can have a healthy sexuality. Like mentioned already, your brain gets bored, and wants more and more dopamine so it’s always looking for more taboo, disgusting and disturbing things. Hang in there buddy.

 

You are not alone. We both share very similar stories, where we both began quite young with vanilla stuff, and degenerated to the depraved fetishised niches that we otherwise should feel disgusted about. I become very depressed, and suicidal at times when I indulge in the disgusting stuff, but I have to resolve to doing something like NoFap every once in a while to break the cycle, take control of my life and reflect.

You can fix yourself, and you have this wonderful community to help with that. Keep persevering with trying to better yourself, and don't fall too far into the pit of self-hatred and disgust. There is medical help out there too. Speak to a psychologist/psychiatrist about this sort of stuff, and they will be able to provide some resolve for you. Being able to spew out your problems to someone else face-to-face and not have any judgment is a great thing to engage in, and just the mere act of talking helps me immensely.

 

Same story with me. Was into violent porn, especially rape porn. Was even contemplating doing the real thing to a lady at the gym. My mind was getting more and more twisted. I think those that say porn doesn’t lead to violence are wrong. It does for some.

Many times I’d MO to videos that didn’t even have penetration just the woman being beat up or tortured. I was also feeling suicidal and had finally come up with a solid plan. But I decided to go to a therapist in January 2018. That first session when I told another human being exactly what I was watching was the start of liberation. I still stumbled several times but I was what my counselor called, “Falling Forward”. Learned from my relapses what to avoid and grew stronger.

It hasn’t been easy but good things don’t come easy. Keep coming back, read through the forums, feel free to share what ever you want.

I don’t feel like I’ve arrived at a point where I don’t need help, I don’t think that will ever happen. I keep coming here and go to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. The counselor was too expensive to continue but the help he gave me in the sessions I had were instrumental in getting me on the right track. You might want to consider counseling.

 

Yes you will want p blockers. Will save you a lot of relapses. Exercise. One week to a couple months and you will feel like a god.

1. Spin browser for phone.
2. Off time app for phone to block apps at specific times
3. Cold turkey and k9 for computer.

Try not to get too down on yourself if you relapse. Just make it harder to access p next time and say that I will not look at it next time.

A book I recommend to people is release your breaks. Goal setting and awesome stuff there. I expect that you will make it out of this. You cannot change the past, but you can control what you do in the present and how you feel about your life in the present. That will impact your future.

 

It seems we all have similar traits of starting young and escalating to disturbing areas. We constantly want more. And sometimes the stuff we crave repulsed us early on. We also have our own wake up calls that we consider rick bottom that tried to set us straight. Mine was clothed young teen girls. Thankfully it never got further then that but for years I was compulsively master bating to what I called “young girl internet model teases”. And I found myself edging all night long to complete in utter mental exhaustion. These things are not easy to get over but our minds do recover over time..hang in there and message me if u need to talk

 

Thank you very much for sharing.

I have been fighting this addiction and hating myself after every time I'd use PMO for over 10 years now, I suppose. The evolution of increasingly disturbing content to get me off was very distressing, and reading YBOP made it make sense to me. I have been doing really well for the past few years, but I just had a horrible relapse which has made me feel really bad and worried.

I cut out video around a year or 2 ago, and figured that pictures would be much less stimulating, and therefore less unhealthy and damaging.........it was a trap. Though the effects of PMO using pictures was initially much less harmful than the increasingly intense and weird fetish videos I had been watching, pictures of 'jailbait' did feel like just that - a trap. (If you do find yourself browsing Google Images, you're better off turning the filter off - this will allow you to see actual porn pictures, which will at least guarantee that you are only looking at girls who are at least 18 years old) During a session, nothing really seems off limits or unethical, but after finishing and seeing 'non-nude' girls who appear to be younger than 18 years old on your screen.....who you found attractive just seconds ago............even if not for the legal concerns, it could make you feel like the ultimate perverted piece of shit scumbag in the universe. As with the other disturbing fetishes I've watched, I now have to work on reassuring myself that this does not reflect who I am in real life.

Videos are terrible, but pictures may be even worse. Cut out any content that could get you aroused or trigger you.

I am taking a few steps to take my reboot more seriously now, including keeping my own journal that I know I must fill out when I relapse. That does help.

Good luck and let me know if I can help you. You have certainly helped me.

 

I had been watching porn and masturbated for almost 15 years before I finally put my PMO-days to an end in February last year so it is possible for sure. I almost hit rock-bottom in late 2016 (where I felt a great despair and was almost suicidal) and decided that I needed to improve myself and change during the next year or I would be living a miserable life for years or decades to come.
Said and done, in 2017, I stopped watching pornography and the next year, I put my MO-days to an end as well. No changes have been more reviving and life-changing for my personal development than NoFap and I can't even compare my current life to that I had in my PMO-days.

 

Exactly like u headstrong where what we look at for excitement becomes disgusting when the high ends. Been there and done that. Let me know if u need to talk this out

 

I tried to resist this truth for a very long time, @headstrong. Repeated - and repeated again - personal experience affirms what you say, though. Any content that I use for arousal can lead to places I'd rather not go. Thanks for the (always needed) reminder.

 

At least you feel ashamed think about it, the real freaks are the people that don't feel ashamed. You are just a victim of this sick material and all you or anyone else can do is fight it.
Resist.

 

Hello brother.

Trust me when I tell you this, there is a better way, a better life and a happy one when you are on NOFAP.

Your body has been taking advantage of your mind and soul, now it is time to have your payback on it.

Starve it from all the urges it throws towards you, give your mind and soul a chance to fight back.

We are with you brother.

#YouNeverWalkAlone

 

Bump

 

i just wanted a little feedback on how u are since u posted this.

are u still thinking about these fetishes?
do u feel u have healed or at least made a huge improvement towards these fetishes?

thanks would love to hear a response as it will give others and I hope