New to the site

I'm 24 years old, have been using porn I think since I was about 10 or 11, started self pleasuring when I was a lot younger.

I don't know how to use the spoiler code yet, so consider this a warning to anyone easily triggered to NOT PROCEED past this point.







I started out with lingerie magazines when I was a kid, and after I got a laptop it wasn't long before I found out I could look up porn really easily. At first I only watched girl on girl stuff, but then I wanted more and more and ended up running almost a complete gamut. Before I knew it I was watching hentai, furry porn, playing porn games online, and reading erotic fanfictions. After that I slowly but steadily started watching even more bizarre porn until I was watching furry transwomen and bondage anime, then it was regular bondage and femdom bondage. Started watching pegging, then real transwoman porn, feminization, and finally hit rock bottom when I started watching sissy hypnosis porn.

It completely took over my fantasies, and almost immediately all other porn became boring. I felt ashamed every time I watched it, but I couldn't tear myself away. I got to the point where I stayed awake for hours some nights watching and fapping. I started to take it more seriously, and by senior year of high school I had started using markers as dildos to stimulate my anus. I would sometimes end up stopping porn for long periods of time, months and months, out of boredom. When I went back, the only thing I could get into was sissy hypno. It started bothering me, and I became very depressed with life.
I later became a Christian, and walked away from several other addictions almost on the spot. The one that I kept struggling with was sissy hypno. I kept thinking about it during the day, and yet after a while I managed to stop looking at it. I went for something like seven months without looking at it, but it hadn't gone away. I would catch myself dreaming of it, my thoughts would keep turning towards it during the day even after months; and eventually I slid back into it.
I had a struggle and got back out for a while, and since then it started going in cycles. I'd stay out for a while, sometimes a short time and sometimes a long time, I wouldn't manage to get the thoughts or dreams to go away, and eventually I backslid again. This past year, things got worse. I ordered lingirie, stockings, and a dildo and plug during one of my lapses. When I got them I put them to serious use, and during that time I had my first experience of eating my own semen and wanting more, and more, and more. It got so bad that I was fighting the urge to ask a guy I know to let me suck him off.

I don't doubt I would have done it too. I keep struggling with this, I can't stand the guilt and shame I feel but nothing seems to actually change the underlying desires. No matter how long I've gone without porn or fapping conciously, I catch myself masturbating when I'm almost completely asleep, and I still have dreams of this stuff.

I want out, so I started looking for help. I found some stuff about affirmations to change your subconcious (because this stuff is buried deep in my subconcious), and started listing affirmations. It seems to be helping, but I found myself to be unable to write affirmations directly attacking the worst parts of this. As I understand it, affirmations only work if you believe them; and as much as I want to be able to tell myself "I don't want anything to do with sissy hypnosis" or "I hate the taste of pre cum" I can't do it without the words feeling powerless. Because as much as I don't want to admit it, I tasted my pre cum and it actually tasted good; and I have such visceral reactions to even tiny mentions or hints of anything sissy that I know I'm lying if I say I completely want out. I can truthfully say how much it disgusts me, how ashamed I am, how much I want to be able to walk away. But I know implicit in all of those are the affirmations I'm not saying because I can't expect to get through this by lying to myself.

I can honestly say I want it, and I can honestly say that I don't want it. I keep praying about it and trying to get through it, but I feel stuck and don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening, if you have ideas let me know.

 

Thank you, good luck and may God grant us both victory.