I have messed up

Hi, I'm starting my journey here and now. I know that just telling yourself something doesn't work - especially when it comes to addiction, and you can keep convincing yourself that today is the last day, this time is the last time, and that tomorrow you'll quit - yet every time end up doing it all over again, sometimes the same day.
So, I have decided to create this profile and put it down in words. Let it not just be something I'm struggling with on my own, but let it be out there. Here. I know this will come a long way in helping me.

And I need help. I have failed and disgraced myself and my family. I have almost ruined my life.


It all started back when I was a little kid, five years old or so. I was already sexually active and I was a little pervert. Used to lick heels of female shoes to get off... told my neighbors daughter to treat me as her slave and force me to kiss and lick her feet, asked her to spit in my face - she obliged. Used to rub my crotch everywhere I could. And so much more that I care not to recall or don't remember. All at that young age. Nowadays people keep telling me that it's not normal - that I must have been abused( have no recollection of such events), but it wasn't just me doing that kind of crap.

Later on got into porn. Couldn't keep away, but I could only watch it here and there, on and off. Then one Christmas( when I was 14y.o.) my brothers friend stayed with us and gave me his vast porn collection... I fapped nine times that day.
There was one particular video that caught my attention, it was a vintage porn of two scout girls( pretending to be underage) selling cookies to this old pervert, he invites them in and pretends to drop cash on the floor and while they're collecting the coin he takes his dick out and starts jacking off. They join in. Something about it excited me too much.
I had an uncle who was a creep, loved preteen and teen girls in short skirts and didn't hide the fact, wasn't ashamed of it. We got to talking about porn that very same year, he said he liked "lolitas", I looked it up... worst mistake of my life.
I ended up finding pages of preteen girls in sexual poses, and even though they weren't naked, it didn't take long for the web to take me down to the naked pages. And, of course, then the actual CP. I have watched a lot of weird shit before that, pretty much all fetishes there are, but none of it excited me as much. I felt high. And it disgusted me. I hated myself. I felt filthy and was in a constant battle over my primitive self and my actual values. Started to try and justify myself, it didn't work. But I kept on trying. Sometimes I'd visit those pages once in three months, sometimes all day, everyday, for weeks. Those were the dark weeks of my life.

Thing is, it was always all in my head. I got off to to the videos and the pictures, but when it came to real life - I have never looked at a child that way, not even once. When I was in society, that part of me felt distant to the point that it seemed alien, as if that wasn't me, but soon as I'd come back home and sit behind the screen - it would return. And when I would fight myself and not allow myself to look, fantasies would come, and sooner or later they'd win and I'd be back in the same mess in no time.

I had girlfriends throughout that time, and on surface it didn't affect me or my relationship. It was my alter ego. It wasn't with me unless it could be free. I was getting older though, and I knew that was a problem. I knew it was something I had to rid from my life and the battles I had within myself only intensified, and every time I lost I would come back to it in a wave and hate myself even more. It was horrible.


And then last February the police came into my house with a warrant. Grabbed my laptop and my PC, told me to come to them first thing tomorrow morning. I did. Couldn't afford a lawyer, but they told me if I confess I won't need one. Fine. I knew I was screwed anyway. They told me it will only be a couple hundred euro fine, they lied. Next time I came back they told me that it just so happened that starting that year the law had changed and that now it was a 6000euro fine, because I confessed reduced from 5 years in prison and 9000euro fine, just because I had no previous convictions. I could have went away for half a decade for that shit...
I was serving the military at that time( finished 3 days ago), so I asked to reduce the fine and allow me to pay it out within a two year period. It was cut in half, but that's still 3000euro, in my country average wage is 700-800euro a month, minimum is 500.

Forget the money, though it will take me a very long time to recover. The stress, the humiliation, the disappointment and anger in the eyes of my family... those were the things that truly hurt me. I was called out as a pedophile even though I haven't touched a kid in my life, or even thought of doing so, and now I have a criminal record for it. I can't keep serving the military, they won't have me. I will walk the rest of my life in shame and fear that someone will find out and think that I'm a creep.

It all started innocently enough, just regular porn. Then incest, transwomen, zoo and whatever other weird shit I could watch to get that dopamine flowing. Never had sex with a family member, a transvestite or an animal either, yet I watched that crap and got off to it. God knows why... same with CP. But this will shame me for life.

I don't know where to go from here. Don't know where to look for a job. I'm afraid, to be honest. Bills are breathing down my neck and the stress is bottling up.
I know one thing though, starting today - no more fapping, of any sorts - porn related or not. It all leads me back to the same spiral of perversion sooner or later. It's bad for me. I tried to quit numerous times before, but it was all before I was sentenced.

If that's not motivation enough to change - what is?

I know where I'll start. Whenever I feel the urges coming up - I'll do push-ups, if military has taught me one thing - it's that they're a great foundation for discipline. If that won't work, I'll go for a run. If that won't, I'll beat my punching bag.
It's not much, but it's a start. I welcome your comments and suggestions. I suppose that most of you will look down on me, think me a piece of shit, and you won't be wrong, but know that I have never hurt another, only myself.

Regardless, if after reading all that you still feel like talking to me - I would very much welcome it, I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And in general these days I tend to avoid people. Thanks for reading and take care.

 

Thank You. You're absolutely right, the content doesn't matter, it's all about the high. I've found that the content is only relevant in that the 'dirtier' the perversion I obsessed over, the more of a high I got. And that's the trap right there - it's never enough. Always wanted more and always sought a stronger rush. And one rush lead to another, until barely anything got me high.

It also allows denial to come into your state of mind, for other than how you feel - there are no apparent consequences, until there are, that is. But feelings pass and before you know it, you're at it again, and feeling like shit just keeps looping around.

Other than having a criminal record, I'm really glad that police raided my house, for whenever I feel my brain luring me in - I feel a rush of fear wash over me alongside the urges. There are obvious consequences now. The fear was always there - that's part of what made the high so strong, but now it's overwhelming and not a pleasure trigger any longer. It's unbearable, and not something I want to deal with. It's sad that it had to come to this, but I think that a lot of good can come from it, and seeing that I've lost all my battles - I guess there was no other way to win the war. Now I just have to do the rest, put in the hard work and get my mind and my life in order.

Thank you for your words of wisdom, I will take them to heart.

 

I agree. I thought the same thing this morning, I need professional help. My country isn't big on therapy though, so I have no clue where to start, as I've never went to a therapist before, but I feel that I'm finally ready to and I need to. I'm sure I'll figure the details out.

I thought of it before, when I was struggling, but I always feared that they will rat me out. Now that I'm caught - I'm liberated. The irony...

 

I'm sorry, but that made me laugh... 30 minute sessions, I'd be like - bitch, you crazy!?
I know I shouldn't laugh, I hope you won't take offense, but the ignorance is just too much.

That's what bothers me, to be honest, that I won't find the right one. But I guess it's a process and I should scout until I find the right one.
Can't expect the first one I come across to be a fitting person for me. Anyway, I don't think it's a matter of choice anymore, I need help.

 

I get it. I don't expect anything other than finally having someone I could say some of these things face to face to. That's all that I want.
I think it will offer me some sense of closure, in the long run anyway. I'm down to do it this time, and I know I can pull off 3, 6 or 9 months, however long it takes for me to get back to proper self control. I've done it before, will do it again. The real question for me is - what then?

 

Thank you for sharing your story. Never give up brother

 

Thank you for the support. I will do it this time, I have to. More importantly - I want to.

 

Yes, there are numerous similarities. And I too used drugs alongside my porn habit, and later found one excluded from the other to be lacking. However, your outcome was much worse than mine, you were publicly shamed - which I wasn't, and your troubles were publicized. I happened to be born in a more civilized, understanding and forgiving country that after what I've done still viewed me as a human being and not as the enemy. You didn't deserve the punishment you've received. It's inhumane, in my opinion.
I was told by the detective to seek help before my addiction grew out into something more serious - like rape, or abduction. And while I found the insinuations laughable, I understand their concern. They can't know what goes on in my head. I still have the criminal charge, so even though it wasn't publicized - you're right, I've received the scarlet letter, I will be branded as a pedophile for the rest of my life.

Thank you for posting and sharing, reading your post meant a lot to me. I too hope, that after reading of my struggle, at least one person won't make the same mistake I did. It's definitely not worth it. It's destructive and paralyzing to ones development. And the consequences are certainly life changing. Thanks for being out there for people in trouble, and for offering your support and wisdom.