Rebooting after decades of avoidance

Hey,

I always thought I was a completely maladjusted oddball without a hope of fitting into the real world. I was in complete denial about my porn addiction, thinking that it couldn't possibly have that much of an effect on my brain. My romantic life, sex life, and platonic relationships were, and still are, a mess. Relationship after relationship would go down the drain due to my ego, wandering eye, lack of mindfulness or presence, self-righteousness, self-pity, and apathy. I hated people, I hated myself, I didn't care about the world. I found myself holed up in a seaside town, living like a hermit, smoking all the time and watching P, hanging out on sex chat sites and calling expensive phone sex chat lines whenever I could. And everything I needed was right there - I had an amazing girlfriend and had, and still have, a job that is really quite rewarding even though it has its massive downsides. I wanted out, basically - a slow suicide.

My GF had always known about my massive P intake, but on a crazy night, when I was still in the grip of all my addictions, I told her about the other stuff. At that point I still had no idea about the fact I might be addicted, but there were already changes afoot in me, I was totally dissatisfied with my life. I was writing more, which was freeing up thoughts and memories and emotions in my head. I was also reading the Bible (in a secular 'let's see what this is all about' way) and taking a bit more care of my body.

Anyway, I told her, and due to the massive amount of lying I had done to maintain the image of a virtuous, standup guy, she ended the relationship. She's unbelievably cool with any consensual kink or sex thing, and if I had been open from the start I wouldn't be in this situation, but I lied and lied and pretended and pretended (when I didn't need to - that's what kills me about all of this), and that's why she didn't feel like she could be in the relationship anymore. We're now effectively on a break, living together but not dating.

I've come to accept I'm an addict. I'm still not quite sure of what - P, definitely, but a good few other things and processes as well. I feel addicted to affection and rely far too much on sex to legitimize myself. Also green stuff, muchos muchos green stuff. The lying is a key part of the addiction for me, and I'm still trying to work loose all the weird kinks in my head that make my words not reflect my reality. I had zero integrity, and was unbelievably arrogant - thought I could control reality, and I ended up gaslighting pretty much everyone in my life.

I attended SAA, but didn't feel like it was for me, and was unwilling to commit to the programme (and still am - I'm going to exhaust all my other options before committing to that [No diss to SAA and its members, but I have my own reasons]). For a long time, I thought I could continue with porn but cut all the other stuff. But porn is the gateway drug, and it opens the floodgates for all the other dodgy stuff the addicted part of me wants to do.

I told my counselor I wanted to stop watching P, and that put it in my mind to search on Google for tips on how. That's how I found nofap, learned about dopamine and what it's for and what it does, and now I am on day 8 of hard mode. I have been working on my high-end behaviours. Cooking, writing, meditating, boxing, reading, going outside. I've also tried to be really mindful about how I interact with others, treating them as people rather than just a means to an end. Trying to be compassionate and patient.

If I was being super, super strict about it, I would say I have already slipped up. I 'semi-accidentally' looked at a still of some P-imagery when I was testing the multiple web-blockers I have installed on my phone. (Turns out I can still access P-nographic imagery [non-p-nographic images of P-stars, and thumbnails of P videos] even though I downloaded 4 separate web-blocker apps!) I also set up a dating profile without the intent to actually go on dates, just to 'see what's out there'. But if I deconstruct that behaviour even a little I can see that's underhanded as hell, and not in the spirit of nofap. I just missed looking at pictures of women online!

Anyway, I am still counting myself on day 10 because I have not PMO for 10 days. I'm open to being debated with about that, but it's really important to me to have those 8 days.

So that's my story. Hello folks. Thank God for nofap. Just having the Reddit or the forums open on my desktop throughout the day has been really helpful. Time I dived in and posted. Looking forward to reading, chatting, and seeing what life brings.

 

Thank you very much.

 

Thanks for the reply, and for the recommendations. I'm sure I would find them very interesting, and will definitely check them out when I'm next in a book shop.

I think I know pretty much exactly which events in my life led me to this particular addiction. I am trying to deal with them and negate their effects. This is helpful, but it also leads me to have 'relapse' type feelings when I think about them. But I know it is possible for me to stay sober, and I will do my very best.