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I'm intimidated by good looking girls, help

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by mapleet, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. mapleet

    mapleet Fapstronaut

    First of all, thanks for this post. It opened my eyes to this topic quite a bit and i will read it probably a lot in the next few days !

    You know what is funny ? I'm known for this character traits when i hang out with friends(male friends).
    People feel good around me, they can be themself without worrying that that i judge them and they know when something annoys me or they do/say something i dislike that i will tell them. So they don't have to worry about this whole superfical relationship thing where people nowadays start to ghost people or break contact without a reason.
    ( I know i sound a bit like a poser, but it is what people told me)

    The thing is that it feels like something in my brain blocks all this when there is a good looking girl and i start to walk on eggshells and to be superficial. I made some tries to overcome this whole thing and they worked not bad and i will continue this in the future !

    Again thank you for this post, i needed something like this !
     
  2. mapleet

    mapleet Fapstronaut

    What a story. I'm very thankful that you told it to me !

    It showed me that i know that i'm not alone with my problem in my age group and a lot of weight just fell of my shoulders !
    It also showed me that attractive people have problems/inner struggels too and if you look attractive that does not mean that they are perfect.

    This sentence....it made me realise that personality is really what matters and not only the looks. Sure it is important too but not the only thing.


    After i read your post a few days ago i thought about my life for some time and i'm sure that the bullying in elementary school is a big part in this problem. It shattered my self-confidence completly and made me fall into the whole gaming and porn rabbid hole.
    But know 10 years later, i'm not over it completly but i changed a lot in the right way.


    Buddy thank you a lot, you helped me so much ! I wish you the best in your Journey !
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  3. Yahska

    Yahska Fapstronaut

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    I also felt the same way, somewhat insecure and not confident in front of hot girls and I didn't even realised that it was a problem with me. A very big thanks to all the people for bringing out this topic. Atleast now I know that I have to work on that.
     
  4. seekagoodlife

    seekagoodlife Fapstronaut

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    Firstly, stay strong. Secondly, not to be unmotivational, but this is probably because of PMO. Thats what P does, it makes you beta. I wouldve answered more in depth but i have to go eat and workout. Peace, dont give up.
     
    alfianlight likes this.
  5. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    As I've learned through experience, I quit putting attractive women on a pedestal. Just realize that the level of a woman's attractiveness has no bearing on her personal character at all. She is merely very nice to look at. That's not enough to find out whether she's worth investing more time in. Just like anyone else, her beauty will fade as the years go by, and if physical attractiveness was the primary reason you got together with this woman, you're in trouble, especially if she hits "the wall" hard.
     
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're also able to challenge these attractive women more when you come from a position of "Yup, you're very hot and sexy... so what? What else you got?"

    A lot of men put up with a lot of bullshit simply because a woman is attractive. They're willing to throw away their opinions / friends / family / values / passions / etc just to convince these women to be interested in them.
     
    koolpal and Ra's Al Ghul like this.
  7. Nanni

    Nanni Fapstronaut

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    In my opinion everything depends on the idea that you have of yourself. Sometimes the "normal looking" man or woman who is self confidence and conscious of his/her own value is more attractive than the most handsome person who doesn't feel secure of him/herself. So try to be sure of your qualities but without any pride. And try to see the human side of the girls you see, as everyone suggested you here. Remember: when we talk about sexual or platonic attraction, women are not so "addicted" to the physical aspect, because they mostly develop it later, when they fall in love with the man they want to stay with.
     
    koolpal and mapleet like this.
  8. mapleet

    mapleet Fapstronaut

    I don't know if anybody will read this, but some very interesting development happend in the last few days to this topic.

    I finally know why i have confidence problems around girls, i mostly described it as feeling of "i'm not good enough" and all of this came from my father. He never said to me things like "good job", "I'm proud of you" or something similiar. It always like "It was good but you could do better", "Why not [next best grade]", "next time put more effort in" and with this he gave me the feeling that i'm not good enough.
    Even after i told him that lost 19 pounds there was no "good job" or something, even after i told him i'm 4 months into "no gaming" and that i put my ass back into the right direction.
    Thats why i don't feel good enough around girls and look for approval from somewhere else.

    I will look up a therapist for this problem and i will overcome this shit ! I will not ruin my life with this shitty attitude !
     
  9. mapleet

    mapleet Fapstronaut

    Thats some good advice !
    This would also explain why my last GF was so incredibly attracted to me even with my overweight.

    Thank you, i will keep your advice in mind !
     
  10. Nanni

    Nanni Fapstronaut

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    Let me give you another advice, but in a more practical way. First of all try to figure out how the girl of your dreams is made. Take a piece of paper and list all the qualities you like of her (tall, short, blonde, black, with nice feet, boobs, sportive, funny, sensitive, intelligent, etc). After you have done it, take a closer look at the less physical aspects you wrote: if you wrote "sportive" or "on shape", you have first to be like that; if you wrote "sensitive" you first must be sensitive. And you go on like this in order to improve your person.
    People are mostly attracted to their similar or to the ones who share or look like sharing the same things in life. Hope I've been useful once again for your problems. Best wishes!
     
  11. FormerFapaholic

    FormerFapaholic Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, it's a learning curve itself. Feeling intimidated by good looking girls means you're putting them on a pedestal. They're people too. Not related to the topic with the quote itself, but the principles can be used in relation to this. As Martin Luther King would say, that you 'judge people by their character'. Not by looks as women are concerned here, as well as race, religion, etc.
     
    alfianlight likes this.
  12. I used to have this problem too, before my latest streak. I couldn't even talk to women properly and froze in front of attractive ones. It's clearly a self-worth problem. It's enough to have judging parents, who bash you on a regular basis, instead of being loving and encouraging. This causes huge (social) anxiety problems, which affect your whole life.

    This time in parallel to aborting PMO I started a "social anxiety recovery" program, by constantly going out of the comfort zone to meet new people (not primarily young women) in a new environment and trying stuff I never did before on a regular schedule. I had to fight hard and conquer my fears again and again, but it worked out well in the end and together with a healing brain this quickly built up strong confidence. I learned, that I'm actually not the loser, my parents told me about over and over again, I can actually beat hard challenges they are unable to do.

    At some point I could even talk to people about my not-so-great past without feeling shameful about it. Being open about your weaknesses while staying completely confident has a big effect on (insecure) people. I essentially removed their judgment from my assessment of self-worth. Every insecure person presents a mask of some ideal they strive for, but they clearly aren't. I don't, because I don't have to.

    I'm myself now, regardless of how unflattering that might look to others, because after conquering my own demons, I'm in no need of external validation anymore.

    When I finally got approached by a highly attractive woman towards the end of my still ongoing streak, there was no intimidation and I was able to keep my frame without much effort. Thanks to NoPMO there were no impure thoughts, so I could easily separate the sexual tension from the human interested in me. There was no "Why I am talking to this perfect angel from heaven?" and "What might she think of this loser?"

    When you don't need validation you can confidently tell her, that you have no job instead of beating around the bush. It's the latter what presents you as insecure, reducing your value much more than just being jobless. Being open about who you are without shame also makes you more credible when talking about your strengths, because she knows you don't have to exaggerate them or make up stuff like losers do.

    Women get attracted to men, who are confident, in clear conscience and don't get intimidated by their physical appearance. When you stay calm and collected with a deep and relaxed voice, even when your body starts sweating in their presence, it impresses them, because it shows that you are in complete control and literally nothing sweeps you off your feet. This is exactly what women are looking for in a man.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2019
  13. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I had the exact same problem for many years but started to overcome it during the last year or two as I stopped thinking too highly of them and started to treat hem as any other person I talked to, no more no less. Many guys think that just because a woman is attractive/good looking, everything in her life must be good as well and they put themselves down in the process. Hence, before you even know the woman, you start thinking; "why should she want to be with me, I don't deserve her". Hence, you punch yourself twice in the process, coming off as try-hard, insecure and the opposite of easy-going.

    As a matter of fact, it is the mindset of not expecting too much, just be as normal and laid-back as you can be, and simultaneously feeling good about yourself and that you are deserving of love, affection and great relationships (even with beautiful women) that will greatly increase your chances. And even if most of them will reject you (which will be the case even for the best womanizers out there), you should see it as a great lesson and another step closer to reach your goal and get rid off this fear.
    Also, just keep in mind that no matter how beautiful a woman might be, don't pursue her if you don't have anything in common with her. Also, If her attitude and friends are bad, negative and she doesn't seem to have anything going on in her life, you should just leave her behind and look for someone who suits you better.
     
  14. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    That is very true! I have known and seen plenty of guys who do anything to date a beautiful woman and hence sacrifice their dreams, goals, ambitions and even health (both physical and mental) just to accommodate, serve, and please her at any given time because if they don't, they think they will jeopardize the relationship.
    What they don't know is that by depolarizing that relationship (by putting up with all her needs and bullshit she asks for) instead of standing up for themselves and set up some boundaries, it will be jeopardized even more as they will come off as needy servants who can't stand up for themselves and their wants, needs, and desires.

    Therefore, they become miserable in the process as they try to settle, thinking that there can't be any better or more beautiful woman out there for them.
     
    CH3RRY, Deleted Account and koolpal like this.
  15. Happypetal

    Happypetal Fapstronaut

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    Same boat. Not sure what these others are raving on about. It's nothing about seeing them as prizes. A tip I was told is when you meet an attractive girl 10/10, in your head quickly name 3 things wrong with her (that you notice).
    That way you sort of remove her from the pedestal that you have created and talk to them as if they were a 6-7/10 (which you are more comfortable with).
    Give it a try.
     
    koolpal likes this.
  16. That's the worst approach ever.
    If someone is too good looking for you that you have to instantly bring them down you're not mentally in a place where you should even be approaching women.
    Like I shared with you guys earlier... Work on yourselves instead of bringing hotties down to the level you think you're at.
    That approach is sooo rude.
     
  17. FormerFapaholic

    FormerFapaholic Fapstronaut

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    I think this has been misinterpreted. Hold my hands for being wrong here.

    Yeah, you’re right. If you’re intimidated by good looking women. Then you’re definitely not mentally in the right place to approach them.

    Women are people at the end of the day. It’s not a good mindset if you’re treating them as objects.
     
  18. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Just don't have a pedestal at all where you can place women on OR drag them down from.

    That's the problem.

    When you think there's a gap and you feel that you have to do something other than your honest self expression to close the gap.

    When you think you're lower than them or that you have to think of them in a negative light so that you can drag them down to your level.

    If you have healthy self esteem, there's no above or below. People are just people. There's no 1-10 scale. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone is flawed and imperfect. Everyone is an individual.

    No need to belittle others to make yourself feel better. That's a very insecure mindset.
     

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