*TRIGGERS* Breaking Down My Walls: Reboot Journal (input welcome)

Tonight is the first real night where I will have to exercise my “plan”, personal resolve, be willing to hit the panic button, and pick up the phone if I need to.



The implications of my failure weigh heavy on me. Recovery in a relationship: this is very specific. Not only am I in a situation where I am repairing myself, but also rebuilding trust and love with my partner. My partner; who found out my horrible secret…



Without her, I would, right now, likely be going down the path of self-fulfillment, indulging in a synthetic performance that serves only a mechanical purpose to satisfy a release of chemicals inside my brain that grow more difficult over time to accomplish.



I am currently still in the mindset that I am more concerned for her feelings on this than I am for the sake of my own well-being. I can feel the temptation to tell myself that if I didn’t have her, I wouldn’t care about any of this and that I would keep going with what I have known for the better part of 20 years.



I owe my significant other, partner, and lover my life right now. For not only showing me the true awfulness of my actions and what they can do to impact every aspect of my existence, but for being by my side and insisting that she helps me through this. I know as a fact, by her admission, that there can be no room for complacency, excuses, secrets, or deviation from the rules that her and I have set. To compound my outpour of gratitude, she has also discussed with me things that both she and I need to adhere to so that we may continue to build on our otherwise wonderful relationship. I would have never have expected her to be willing to stick with me during something like this.



My current struggles are anticipation of what would happen to us if/when I make a mistake or relapse. I wonder how difficult the nights away from her are going to be. Fortunately, my problem hasn’t got so out of hand that I have been using when she is around. How will I feel two days apart? Three? Seven? It’s a fear of my mental state in regards to the unknown. And a greater fear in what the result of my action will be.



I do have to say that today is when I have felt the first sense of urge and frustration with myself while I was alone. I was driving early this morning on a few hours’ drive to get to a job that I was working on. I had left early in the morning…in a little bit of a rush because I overslept. Admittedly, I was likely too tired to be driving, especially without stopping for a cup of coffee. I crawled out of bed, gathered my things, and I kissed her beautiful face goodbye for the next few days.



Just over half way there, with my mind starting to drift back and forth over things like a pendulum, I felt it. Usually, in my sickness, I would entertain the idea by means of pulling something up on my phone. Yes. Even while driving. But I knew, in my mind, what the cost would be. I kicked the floorboard of the vehicle several times, barreling down the road at 83mph, screaming until my throat hurt. I’m angry. Thankful. But angry.



I recognize what the feeling was. I knew I didn’t want it there. It scared me and I reacted to protect myself and my relationship. I refuse to let go of the image of my girls face when this awful monster inside of me was confronted. It made it real. It personified the awfulness of which I have created. And I want to kill it inside of me. By any means possible. For if nothing, just so that look of pain on her face will never show again by my actions.

 

First night coping, happened to be a night by myself, out of town. Not sure if it was fortunate or unfortunate, but I was staying at my girlfriend's parent's. Convenient, at least.

All was well for the most part. Having company throughout the evening, keeping my mind off of things, having people around during dinner and such. But the issues started when I went to bed, as I expected.

Finally asleep around 1245am or so. No dreams to speak of. But I was rudely awaken around 230 by my uncontrollable demons, midway into M.

I was angry. I was slipping. I wanted to P. I picked up my phone, like I would. It was such a struggle not to. I got up, went to the bathroom, splashed water on my face. Walked in circles. Would have screamed if I could.

I slipped, reset. That's for sure. I hate that I feel this way I hate that I cant go a a night away from my girlfriend without feeling the need. I guess it could be worse. Could have needed porn. could have orgasmed. But tasting the water is the same as drinking a gallon.

Reset.

 

Unexpectedly stuck out of town for work another night. I'm fortunate to be staying with my girls parents, as they are polite, hospitable, and even indulged in playing some music on guitar and singing my guts out ona few tunes.

Earlier in the evening, I had been texting with my gf and the conversation of my pmo usage came up...we're on day 2 of recovery (using the site here specifically) and starting over with another first night as I reset myself this morning by waking up in the middle of M and had a difficult time stopping.

So she asked a few specific questions in regards to my previous usage of P (before our discovery). I was honest and answered, willing to give detail if she asked.

Her response was sparse...and I could tell she was hurt. I asked her how she felt, to see if she would talk and maybe open up a bit...I dont know. I think I was scared and had a fear of being abandoned.

She told me how she felt and my heart sank. I knew it was there, her feelings, but it kills me inside every time I read what she says. Rightfully so.

I tried to give words of support and explain my love for her and how much she means to me. And how attracted I am to her, plus everything that goes along with that (not going to add triggers for people here).

I dont know if it helped or not. Again...little reply. I went to dinner, sick to my stomach with no appetite. This was part of the feeling she had when she found out. I felt so fucking empty.

I ate, though, felt a little better. Called her when I got back in. Our conversation was better than the texts...its going to take a while for the hurt to go away. For both of us. I keep thinking to myself "I ruined her". Her heart was given to me out of love, trust and admiration and I tarnished it to say the least.

It's going to take a long time for me to be confident that she doesnt decide to end things one day because she cannot deal with this any more. I learned that sometimes with her it is best to let things settle before going and asking how shes feeling when I can see shes upset.

I feel so helpless. The struggle within myself is difficult. Without her, I would have never woken up and saw how and what this was all doing to me. With that, it is up to me to save our relationship God* willing she continues to try with me.

This morning she told me that I was her best friend. I couldn't have had a better feeling to start my day. Things got tough this evening though. And it's a solid reminder that it's not going to be easy and I'm going to have bad days as well as her. It's so difficult when I'm away. I constantly think it would be better if I could just see her.

I have tomorrow to look forward to, however. As we both are looking forward to seeing each other. I'll feel safe cuddled up next to her...my safe place...where I can not hurt for a little while and we can keep working on healing ourselves.

 

Another Reset last night.

I have not been able to go 24 hours without indulging. I AM making some sort of progress, I feel. It IS getting better. I am asking for help when I need it. I am going through steps to get myself out of the habit. The hard part is to keep myself from going there in the first place.

Last night I woke up after a few hours of sleep and found myself already in the middle of M. I admit I did reach for my phone. But I had moved it away out of reach. I had a feeling it would be sought after for the wrong reasons. I wanted to O. I felt it. I felt that I needed the whole experience. It took a bit to talk myself out of it. I have never, in my life, had a conflicted conversation where I felt two sides of me arguing back and forth.

Unlike last time, when I got to my phone, I reached out and sent a txt msg to my gf. I told her I was awake again. And it was the same as the night before. I am hoping to get her into the practice of sending a txt when she goes to bed at night so I know ahead of time if I’m bothering her and need to move on to the next step of emergency help. I’m so fortunate to have here there for me when I need her.

After a few minutes, she got back to me. And we sent a few messages. Some pertaining to my situation, others to try and distract myself from it. I still hate myself and am angry with my previous actions. And I’m angry I still feel the mindless pull towards PMO and want to do it. I hope that eventually I’m not so hard on myself sometime soon. I know, among other things, that the down feeling I’m having for recognizing this problem is unattractive to my partner. I want to be strong for her. And I am ashamed that I am relying on her so much right now. I don’t want to drive her away from me.

We had discussed earlier of the potential of me finding an AP…someone I can relate all this to, in confidence, and to call upon and to be called upon when things are tough. It’s a big step for me to admit that I need that sort of help. She and I will discuss it more this weekend. I look forward to going home and seeing her again. I miss her terribly and I know she misses me as well.

 

Last night was the first night with my gf after starting my reboot. I've reset two days in a row with her away.

Since the moment she got to my house, I couldnt stop kissing her, looking into her eyes with love, and smiling. She noticed the difference...where usually my eye contact is less frequent and I'm a bit more "aggressive " in how I touch her.

We had sex. Once or twice, I lost my erection. I blame it on being tired. Usually at this point, I would M with her helping by way of physical contact and (with lack of taste) talking dirty to me...most times about things that are not happening in the moment between the two of us.

We decided to take a break. Shower and eat dinner.

Later in the evening, before bed, we initiated again. And to be honest, for the first time in almost 2 months I think , I was able to O by way of intercourse.

I must admit (and I told her this as well), that during sex, my mind had drifted a few times. I was able to bring back focus and enjoy sex with my partner and resist the pattern of imagining other things happening. Usually, i would still have images in my head of her and me, but it would play into a lot of the things i was watching while viewing P. Not right.

It's a long road to kick the PM. I'm only just starting...but i gained confidence by my partners support, and how the sex was with us last night.

We both understand that there will be ups and downs and the possibility of me slipping. The key is honesty and continued work on my part. I adore my gf for sticking with me and being a large part of my recovery and reboot. I couldnt do this without her.

 

It was an up and down weekend.

Fortunately for the plan in action, it was with my girl and for the most part things were normal on the anti-PM plan. I was conscious of my issue that I had and have been identifying times where I would think “yeah, this is a time/situation where I would likely PMO”.

Its so much easier with her around me. If it wasn’t for the rift it has caused in my personal life, I would not even think twice about it. Which leads me to what I feel is the real struggle: coping and rebuilding the damage that my awful habit has caused me. Even with tons of explanation on how it came about and my thought process (or lack thereof) when I would PMO, no resolve or solution presents itself. I must be patient and trust in our love to see us through. Several times I would just look to her from across the room and it would feel like the distance of the known universe was between us.

At one point this weekend, in discussing my problem and its awful details, I had lost my temper. I said hurtful things and wanted to leave. I thought about it. But I thought that if I left, I would never see my girl again. That is the last thing I want. I have already broken her in her confidence in me and herself…and I cant avoid adding to it. I don’t know why I came apart. Maybe I felt trapped, cornered, attacked. I don’t know. Nothing is of secret between us…but now, because I lost it when she was trusting in my to talk about her feelings, she will no longer share with me and our open communication is damaged.

Time.

We managed to get past the disagreement and my outburst and make up. We had sex several times over the weekend as normal. I felt more connected to her than before. And for the first time in two months I was able to O inside with her. Its always been me finishing by way of M with her help. I have always tried to make it a point of not going to bed angry or with unresolved issues. And she is amazing by not withholding affection (even PG rated stuff) when we are upset.

Strange though. I did wake up several times over the weekend…aroused and actually engaging physically with her. This goes along with me waking up by myself earlier in the week and M without knowing…just waking up to it and doing it. I woke her up…she reciprocated contact and touch…but I went back to sleep without remembering most of the event taking place. I wonder if my mind is so damaged that it is constantly looking for an opportunity to seek the chemicals that my brain has been used to from PMO.

But I know that I need her to help me see this through. I am now out of town for 3 or 4 days and I am not looking forward to the alone time. Blogging will continue, conversations will continue, and I will keep my accountability with her.

 

I expressed to her that next time I need to ask for a few minutes and excuse myself from the room. Promised never to leave.

I've had this problem w PMO since I was 18...almost half my life. I'm on the path to be my TRUE ADULT SELF for the first time ever and it's scary.

 

I think I need more help. Today was tough. Another day away from home….impending feeling of knowing that this is the time where I would PMO. I went looking for a distraction. I confided in my gf.

It all hurts. I’m still angry with myself. Its been two weeks since trying to correct my issue. and I have a lot to be happy about.

No PMO

Successful sex with my gf

Realizing more about myself and my problem to help me move forward

Today was just a bad day. Im ok and on track with my reboot…no resets…but I cant help but feel down on myself for allowing this all to happen. I don’t feel enough like a man that I should be. I feel ive been lying to myself for 18 years. I don’t feel adequate or sufficient. Im angry and I hate myself for all of this.

When will it get better? I need to get past this and be the person I was intended to be.

I need to show my partner that this problem wasn’t a replacement for her.

I need more help.

 

Been a week since posting. I've found an AP, started therapy, ordered some books to read, been honest with myself about my problem. It's not been easy, but I'm making progress.

Hard part recently is my gf feels less attractive for me. She knows she's beautiful and sexy, but feels it's not enough for me.

My attempts for reassurance and maintaining a positive attitude and outlook for our relationship only go so far, if anywhere at all.

An event happened yesterday while we were at the gym that really bothered her. She saw me staring off in the direction of other people, namely women. And not once, but twice.

The only thing I could say was I wasn't thinking any thoughts about them and hadn't realized I was even doing so. I owned up to looking, even though not intentional and gave details of other people I saw (specifically men) to try and explain that I had noticed detail about nearly every one and their conversations.

I realize the issue is the perception of what I'm doing is the issue and no amount of explaining will correct any thoughts already present... and I have read about several resources to help me prevent from doing it in the first place.

It was an emotional evening for us. She said that taking her mind off it by conversation would be helpful, which I did. I talked about places for our next vacation. I talked about my growing up and how we would have gotten along when I was younger.

It had ups and downs. At times I felt rejected, like she didn't want me there, didn't want me to touch or comfort her. But I was incessant... when she asked how I could remain so positive in light of everything, I said I'd move a mountain for her... even if one spoon of dirt at a time. And I believe in her, myself, and us.

We ended up having sex. It was a relief to me, but I still felt her heartache and the distance between us.

How do I help her? How do I save us? I'm afraid one day she will say to herself that she can no longer accept the feeling of inadequacy and move on. My time is running short...

 

I have reset/relapsed before by way of masturbation. But this past week was the first time that i relapsed with the use of porn.

In short, I told my gf several days after the fact and after her and I had sex.

I dont know what to do anymore.

 

The only thing I am doing face to face is seeing a therapist when I'm home. It's pretty inconsistent in regards to all that for me as I work on the road. Finding a 12 step group and showing up once every few weeks is not ideal...though I have looked to see if there were any local to me. No such luck...for those that are for any sort of sex addiction. I will continue the search for sure. Thank you.

 

I was alone, on the road from work, it had been a few days since I had seen my gf, I woke up in the middle of the night...I even reached out to her for help. But I failed to explain the full scope of what I was experiencing. So eventually I failed. I have been looking recently for a hobby that I can do at all hours, wherever I'm staying, and that won't disturb anyone in the middle of the night (makes taking a guitar out of the question). But yes. That was pretty much the environment i was in.