Back to Day 0.

Im right there with you. I realized that any visual stimulation that turns me on IS porn. If Im fapping and looking at, well, ANYTHING, I will consider it porn. Goodbye youtube and instagram. I will miss you. Relapsing sucks, but I'm glad i'm being honest with myself. Fapping to my old memories and fantasies at least requires some sense of creativity. But, damn, fapping w/out any visual stimulation is BORING. But at least it wont ruin every single intimate relationship I've had with women. Living in this quiet shame has robbed me of my soul. I want a real relationship that trumps scummy xxx videos. My mind is in this hamsterwheel hell. Objectifying women down to body parts and chasing fantasy sex that doesn't exist. I hope to one day be healthy enough to enjoy real love and to love with all of my heart. I'd love to experience that, let it fill my soul back up again. Be a fucking man that feels like a fucking MAN. not this scummy piece of shit I am right, now.

 

I would like to join you guys PMO ruined my life

 

You just summed up perfectly how I feel. It's a viscous circle. You feel shit, ashamed etc, so you do it again to block those feelings out, then you feel shit etc.
Its damn hard ,no doubt

 

Back to day 0. I got net nanny for my laptop. Detoxify and Hide App AND Blocksite for my phone. I'm going to a sex addict meeting to see if a member can set a code to keep me from deactivating all the filters. I'll be proud of myself after I get past a month. I've gone a month before, abstaining from porn without any filters, so this should be somewhat easier, with the filters. I've spend all of this previous month setting myself up for success, but relapsed at the last week. Took me over 2 weeks to crawl out of that relapse and it took me into a depressive suicidal mind state. This recovery is a beacon of light and I see it. I'm ready to live again, today. I refuse to let the shame of my addiction swallow my soul. Its time to focus on other things in life and enjoy them.