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Any advice ?

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. My life is going shit, I am 18 I am studying abroad, I have always been into crossdressing, anal stimulation, sissy, pegging kind of stuff, today it is one of my worst days, so I went to class then I got back home and I slept for like 1 hour and I had a dream of having my own anal sex toys, lingerie and be free to use them, then I woke up and I searched for a sex shop near by ( its website) ( I had already visited this website in the past to masturbate looking at dildos and fantasizing about using them myself), so I started adding 3 dildos on my shopping list and 3 pieces of lingerie, at that time I was really horny, then I was thinking of checking out, and after a while I said fuck it, I am doing it, and so I did, then after the checkout and the order confirmation page, I had an adrenaline rush, I was like omg omg omg, then I masturbated to pegging videos, and then after that, after the shit came out of my mind and logic started to kick in, I started feeling ashamed of myself and doing senarios if people found out and then I would be fucked and stuff, then the owner of the store called me to confirm and by his tone I felt that he was kinda confused by the things I ordered and by the fact probably a male answered the phone, he asked me to confirm the order, I tried to maintain my manhood and said in a fast pace voice yeah, you can proceed and asked when I can have the stuff delivered and he answered tomorrow I will send “someone” that what he answered, so I said thank you, and we hang up. At that time the freaking adrenaline kicked in again, I was making freaking scenarios again: for example when the delivery came the guy would kick inside my house and steal my stuff, or after the purchase the people in the store would send people to watch me and learn stuff about me and manipulate me after the learnt stuff about me. Shit man I was feeling fucked up, I said fuck that shit I gotta take a freaking walk to the supermarket’s atm to get money and buy some freaking cigarettes to calm myself down(I don’t even smoke) so on my way to the supermarket I called a friend, he didn’t answer, then I called my dad, we talked little cause my mobile data was shit, then I said fuck that shit and without thinking totally sober I called the guy at the store, he answered pretty much instantly and I told him to cancel the order, at first I though he said its not possible to cancel, but then he said again “ do you want to cancel the order” and I said yes, he told me ok and I said thanks, I hanged up the phone, i felt relief I crossed fast the road, and I walked to the supermarket, at that time I didn’t have to pull out money from the atm cause I canceled the order, but still I felt like I had to buy cigarettes, so I went inside bought 10 green apples, a box of turkey breasts I went to the line of the cashier and said I wanted cigarettes so I got a pack of 100s L&Ms, ( I don’t even smoke, so imagine I was again feeling that adrenaline rush, saying the name of the packet with cracking voice), so I got the stuff I paid and I headed home, and that was it, I opened the window, I lighted a cigarette I put myself a glass of alcohol and I smoked a cigarette with it listening to rap music, now after about 3 glasses of alcohol and 1 more cigarette and little facebook chatting, I freaking feel better. I don’t know how the fuck I ended up here, but this shit gotta stop, I tried many times to stop the freaking fetish but I cant, today is a very bad day for me, now its almost 9 pm, and I am writing this, I don’t know whats going to happen, but I gotta stop that shit, for my own shake, and mental health.
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  2. Infinite spirit

    Infinite spirit Fapstronaut

    808
    715
    93
    Stop watching porn. If you can't give up pmo completely for now..then just masturbate without porn .
     
    Theamos and MeLeneMani like this.
  3. Fenston999

    Fenston999 Fapstronaut

    78
    89
    18
    You need to take a break 100%. No pmo at all. If buying stuff online gets you a rush like that, masterbating without porn won't last very long. Your really stressing yourself out with all your fears, and worry. That can't be enjoyable at all, I sympathize for you. If your addiction brings you to those levels you really could use a full reset. It will be hard but you have to get motivated for change and you can. See a therapist go to SAA talk to ppl get this stuff out of your head and off your chest. You did good by Manning up and cancelling that stuff. You made a mistake and corrected it that's good. Other than cigarettes I'd recommend you to practice meditation. It will seriously help you get your thoughts in order and help you learn to observe and control your emotions so you don't just act out on them. It's notneasy work at first. You seem to have a lot of anxiety and fear and alot of ppl do especially at 18, meditation will help you face it and work with it so it doesn't influence you to act out sexually. You can beat this, don't beat yourself up over your past just work towards authentic change. Good luck.
     
    Theamos and MeLeneMani like this.
  4. thank you very much, i will try to keep a small diary for my progress, thank you again god bless you
     

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