What I learned after 8 years. My story

What I learned from 8 years trying to quit. First you should know my background. I was raised in a very christian home. It was not only a sin to p&m, but a very serious sin. This created so much guilt and shame in my life. In my teen years it started out as a curiosity from shows on tv that created a strong emotion inside of me. As my life went on I was bullied and picked on. I felt less then everyone else. I just wanted people to like me so badly but I couldn't seem to connect with them. It would hurt really bad when I got rejected. So I turned to that curiosity, that emotion that made me feel close and accepted by beautiful girls. I turned to p&m for relief. This became an addiction that would last years. I realized I had a problem. I realized that I was becoming more and more depressed. I was not connecting with my family and friends. I had an addiction and I needed to stop. So I tried to stop. One day, then a relapse. One week, then a relapse. A few months then a relapse. This went on for a while with the help of my church and my family because I told them about my addiction. Then in school, a girl liked me! Wow! Somebody liked me, and wanted to date me. Everything changed. I was done with p&m for around a year. Then we broke up. Then I went back to p&m and struggeling to quit. Then I met an amazing bunch of friends. They loved me and welcomed me in to their group. My problem wih p and m stopped for over 6 months, then I went to another country to live elsewhere. I went on to a year and then to 2 and 3 years with pretty mich no p&m! I had something strange develop over that time though. Something called sexomnia (It's when you basically have m while you are sleeping and you can't controll it because you're asleep). So three years with very slight relapses of m. Oh and btw I am single and a virgin. Okay so I feel like this problem with p&m is basically gone from my life for sure! I felt so free and happy. My relationships were imporved and I felt more comfortable talking to other people. This was great! Then I got rejected by a girl who I wanted to marry and it hit me so hard! I was depressed and my self esteem droped like a rock in the sea. I then relapsed with p and m. This was a relapse after 3 or more years of being clean. I felt hopless. I felt like I can never get rid of this problem. As a christian my belief in God was fractured and my relationships were struggeling. I kept relapsing and I felt that I was becoming addicted to p and m again. Maybe this was who I am? Maybe I should let this be my life? NO.

Then my life changed. You see, I never even liked looking at those pictures and videos of p. It was the feeling I got out of it. That was the reason I kept coming back. Our bodies are designed to have sexual close feelings when we see someone unclothed, because it tells our brains that they have the same feelings for us. They want to be close because they love us. This is why Porn is a lie. Those girls don't know you. They don't love you. Chances are, they are doing it for the money and that same sexual feeling. My life changed when I watched a video on youtube. "Pornography is not the problem". I also watched a ted talk called "Everything we know about addiction is wrong". Watch them! What I finally understood is that Porn is not the root of my problem. Only trying to stop p and m is like pulling the tops of weeds off and leaving the roots in the ground, thinking that they wont spring up again. The root of my addiction and depression was this. I was not connected to other human beings. My whole life I was afraid of rejection. My whole life I was just trying not to be awkward around people. My whole life I had a low self esteem. You see, it was the environment I lived in, that was the problem. My disconnection was causing my depression and low self esteem. My fear of rejection was preventing it from gettng better, and p and m was my medication or symptom for so long. Our civilization has changed so much in the last 200 hundred years. It's crazy! People used to spend all day outside working with eachother and connecting with eachother. Now our civilization has developed tv, smart phones and cubicles. We have gone from a very healthy connected lifestyle, to a very unhealthy disconnected lifestyle. I've been facing my fear of rejection (watch this video to know how. ). I've been developing my self esteem, not caring what others think about me. I've learned to love and value myself and be positive in thought and action. I've stayed connected with people. When I connect with others my goal is not to be normal or try not to be awkward. My goal is to help them feel important and loved. My goal is to connect with them. I'm also connecting with my God. So after eight years I found out the real casue of my loneliness, depression and addiction. Stopping p amd m is not enough to cure it forever. It's hard, but we need to love ourself, love and connect with others. Exercise, get outside. Get out of the virual fake connective world. Overcome the fear of rejection! Eat healthy. In other words I believe this is very similar to living the gospel of Jesus. You can do it. I hope this story has helped. Pornography is not your root problem. Disconnection is the real peoblem. If you fix the real problem, then the weeds will be gone forever. God bless. I wish you all the best!

 

nicely said, almost identical story to mine. keep up the good fight