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Delete it.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by hydroxide, Mar 25, 2019.

  1. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    I just deleted them. My "precious" accounts on sites where I created personal stashes of porn. And my own one hidden on my computer. These secret stashes I felt were valuable, made with lots of effort and always giving me a good time.

    So it might feel difficult to throw these away. After all, I spent so much time on them. Why waste all the time I'd spent?

    Well, look at what I spent that time on. I spent that time on making myself waste even more time, and energy, and motivation. All the while creating an illusion that I have something precious. And that it's something huge to leave behind. No, I'm not throwing away what I had. I'm ending the cycle that wants me to throw away more stuff I could have.

    I'm not sacrificing something dear to me. Porn does not relieve me, or make me feel better - it digs a hole within me, and inside that hole leaves an itch to scratch. And once I've scratched that itch, I've dug the hole deeper.

    Not anymore. I can leave the itch to sting and burn. But I'll carry on, knowing that the hole is slowly being repaired, instead of being dug deeper in an attempt to repair it.

    I'm not depriving myself. There's no thinking, "so much pleasure I'm missing out on!". Sure, there might be less pleasure when you start to quit. But is there pleasure in sitting there after a PMO, wishing you had quit and not done it? There's so much ahead that I want to be a part of - and there's so much behind that I wish I'd never been a part of. Yet I keep going back. But no, I'm not going back.

    I've told myself this before. "I'm quitting", but I always came back. So I don't know when to believe I truly am quitting. After my last PMO, I told myself I was quitting. So I waited to see if I would keep that sentiment - and now, 6 days later, I have the same conviction. So I made that move to delete my porn.

    Deleting the porn is an immediate thing. Deleting the porn addiction takes time. But the porn addiction itself also takes time - it takes time away from you. And so much more than just time. So why not take your time back from porn? And after that time, you'll be somewhere else, much better than the porn-filled place. But if you don't... you'll just stay in that porn-filled place until you decide to quit, or you are wasted by it.



    Okay that started becoming a rant. There isn't really any tips here or anything - it's just me actually making the proclamation to quit porn, and telling myself the reality of PMO addiction. And people reading this probably wouldn't be as psyched up as I currently am about this, so I probably seem like an over-hyped shouting-about-random-stuff guy. Oh well. At the very least, this post serves to convince myself that I'm convinced to quit.

    This book is very helpful, and it'll probably be good for me to read it again along my journey, so I'll put it here. https://sites.google.com/site/SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION/home It's a great book and I'd encourage everyone else to read it. Probably says the stuff I'm saying in a smarter way.

    Anyways... porn could be some kind of mega-inescapable-demon-thingy to us. We could dread it and fear that we will never get out of it. Or it can just be junk food. Potato chips. "Hey. Those chips are bad for your health. Don't eat them". Junk food isn't some massive lurking looming beast. It's just something that's bad for you, even if you might want it in the moment, that you just shouldn't eat. Same with porn.


    So long, and goodnight.
     
  2. Vir Rex

    Vir Rex Fapstronaut

    Nice job, brother!

    When I wanted to end my video game addiction, I took all my discs and just threw them all out. I had a good friend with me to make sure that I went through with it. Now I am able to spend my time more wisely, especially since I have stopped PMOing for the sake of Jesus Christ. Accountability partners make it much easier to crush an addiction.
     
  3. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    That's great, thanks for sharing!
     
  4. Dan9876

    Dan9876 Fapstronaut

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    I have a different perspective to this.

    I also have accounts in various websites with saved videos and bookmarked pages. The reason I don’t delete them is because if and when I give in to the temptation one day, I wouldn’t need to waste time finding them again or browsing through the internet for hours. Just having them saved there doesn’t lead me into temptation. It is temptation (and me giving into it) that lead me there.

    Don’t get me wrong. What you did was the best thing to do. This is just another way of thinking. There’s no one size fits all strategy to NoFap. Wish you the best.
     
    hydroxide likes this.
  5. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    Holy crap, that's the exact same perspective I had that led me not to delete my stuff. Not even exaggerating or trying to seem relatable - that was my idea for my entire NoFap journey. I've been here for over a year, but never deleted it. Why? Well, I wouldn't go to it unless I was already tempted. I wouldn't randomly see it and decide to go there. And sure enough, most of the time I didn't think about it at all. It was just a convenient thing. If I were to succeed in quitting, the stuff would still be there, I would just have forgotten it.

    But that was exactly what prevented me from fully committing to quitting porn. I would always have that there, and even if it didn't tempt me to go back, it did leave me with something to go back to. This time, my attitude towards quitting porn is completely different. It's no longer "go as long as you can without it", but now I've burned all bridges and removed it from myself. It's now "I don't watch porn anymore. It's completely gone from me; I've made the step to remove it, and I will not go back. I don't try to resist the temptation anymore, porn is just not part of my life anymore." And so far I have not dwindled in the slightest. I still get urges, but instead of thinking "maybe this one time", there is no one more time. It's out, it's all gone. I'm living my new life now, and porn is part of the old one. So I don't even consider going back, not even one bit.

    I appreciate your sharing. I might not have shared this otherwise. But in doing this, I finally spit a blatant no in the face of porn, and so no matter what it does to tempt me, I'm done with it.

    Power on, man.
     
  6. Dan9876

    Dan9876 Fapstronaut

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    Interesting. I’m yet to reach that conviction. Maybe I’m a couple of relapses away.

    Back when I used to download porn, I’d delete them as soon as I was done with it (partly due to guilt and partly due to the new found motivation to quit porn)

    But that’s when I noticed the pattern. Every time I relapse, I was either using some recovery software to recover the deleted files (and editing them for clarity) or actually browsing to get them all back (only to delete them again). Either way consumed hours of my time.

    So by bookmarking them, not only am I saving time in the future, I’m also keeping my workspace free of distractions. As long as I’m focused on things that are worth it (like the streak that I’m in right now) knowing that something can be accessed if I go to a website, log in with the correct details and getting to the bookmarks page, doesn’t appeal to me at all.

    In fact, P is not that big of a challenge to me. It’s M that I’m struggling with. I can easily M without porn using normal pictures or even by fantasying in the mind.

    Again, I might be a couple of relapses away from where you are :)
     
  7. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    Interesting how you go by "couple of relapses away". You've got quite a long streak now, and you said the streak you're in right now is worth it. So I wonder why you'd still be waiting for the streak to end, in order to... get serious about quitting? Like, to get a bit more pleasure before you go? (and frankly, waste a bit more time?)

    Just my thoughts. In fact, I can't say I didn't think some of the same things. All the best anyways.
     
  8. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    Today, PMO addiction gave me its dirtiest, most upfront attack, ever. As if an actual snare was set up by someone else for me. Like, this was a direct shot from the enemy.

    I was out in public, with people I know. I was searching my phone for a picture, when suddenly a... I won't say it here. Don't wanna trigger anyone. But it was a revealing image. I went to the bathroom to see how on earth this randomly got into my phone.

    Apparently, the SFW photos I saved on Reddit were saved to my phone. And Reddit had been my main source of porn for a while. Of course they wouldn't auto-save NSFW photos, but these 17 images were... enough to make me feel something. Being SFW photos, the main focus wouldn't be on any fetish or anything... it would be solely the attractiveness of the women that made me save the photos. And so they were basically the most attractive women I'd "collected" over my porn-browsing time.

    I had a look. It was brief, less than half a minute, but enough of a look to make me instantly aroused. I'm not gonna lie either - it did feel good. I enjoyed those few short glances. And you know what, my old, "trying to quit PMO" self would absolutely be fapping right now because of that. But NO. If there was ever any time for me to put my foot down, this was it. This was the most direct dilemma ever, and I hit it with a straight no.

    I am still quite tempted to go search them up on Reddit again. But that's not happening. There is no "one last look" - the next thing that'll lead to is a relapse. And I will not even consider that. Not today, not tomorrow, never again.

    Nice try, porn.
     
    Jag Hyde, iamready! and Dan9876 like this.
  9. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

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    Deleting it all is one of the most important steps, and particularly difficult if you've cultivated a vast collection over the years.

    But once it's gone, it's a nice feeling to have a 'clean' laptop / PC / phone, and a good foundation to start NoFap.

    I got rid of all mine in August last year and I've never missed it for one second since.
     
    Dan9876 and hydroxide like this.
  10. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear that. Thanks for sharing.
     
  11. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    The urges are hitting me hard now. After that incident with Reddit, I've been thinking about PMO from time to time. But in my current state, I'm handling the urges differently. Not letting them wash over me, but stamping them out with certainty and conviction.

    This is the strongest I've been at so far. If I'm broken down this time, it'll be a long time until I get back up. This is my chance and porn cannot take it away.

    On the other hand, this is one of the greatest attacks of urges I've gotten. I usually would fall to this. If I can beat this one, then I know I have the ability to beat the others.

    No "one last time". No "one little peek". I will not waste this time, and I will not waste this state of conviction. There is no temptation we cannot beat.
     
  12. JohnnyWho

    JohnnyWho Fapstronaut

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    I wish I could go through and delete my accounts, but I’m too afraid that my eyes will linger and that I will relapse...
     
    hydroxide likes this.
  13. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    I really did feel the urge while I was deleting it. I had to put all my power and self-control into those moments. But after deleting everything, I felt a great sense of accomplishment. I did it at night so I didn't have to think about it the rest of the day.
     
  14. hydroxide

    hydroxide Fapstronaut

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    Day 13.

    I'm at one of my weakest points right now. The urges are at one of their greatest right now as well. I've been thinking this entire day just about a random woman I saw in a random movie. I feel like I'm in my most likely position to break, and just now I was even thinking about just letting myself do it.

    But I won't let myself forget the days of strength I felt before this. Those were some of my best ever, and I won't give all that up just in a moment of weakness.

    And I can't forget about the aftermath of a relapse. I'll feel disappointed - I'd lost my streak. I'll feel weak - I was going good, but yet I failed; don't know if I can come back anytime soon. And most of all, I'll have the immediate realization that it was not worth it at all.

    You know, people always think of porn as some massive, harrowing, terrifying demon (including me). And it does have the power to wreak that kind of havoc in your life, if you let it. It feels like some kind of unbeatable giant; the Porn Monster. He's pulling your strings, he's got you in his grip, and you can't escape.

    So I had the random thought to imagine it as something much less. Why couldn't we think of porn as... a clingy, annoying, attention-seeking dude? Like, instead of an intimidating giant, what about a random guy shouting at you to play with him?

    I suddenly feel much less inclined to watching porn.

    Like, there's no way I could masturbate to porn if I imagine some annoying dude over my computer, going like, "aw yeah! that's right! that feels so good!" That is plain disgusting. Yeah, I'm not doing it.



    Well, there are two possibilities for today. That one day that brought me back to 0, or that tough day that I got through to sail smoother seas. It won't always feel like this. This is just one moment, and I will get through it.
     
  15. JohnnyWho

    JohnnyWho Fapstronaut

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    Nice job man. One foot in front of the other.
     

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