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Best friends possible suicide

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Hisself, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know where to start. A week ago today I got news that my best friend “fell off a bridge” and died. This would be devastating news in itself but there’s more. I’m going to provide a little backstory. 4-5 months into my first reboot attempt it was the night between the last day of March and April fools day 2017. A girl I was friends with for two years that I had a major thing for was recently single and she started pursuing me. I was elated. I was attempting to reboot from pied and was coming out of a dark depression that was years long. I had plans with this girl but a guy in my bands girlfriend also wanted to come and they encouraged me to bring my best friend as well. After the show we are all back at my house and I go to bed because I had work in the am and had to sleep off the drinks. The girl I wasn’t interested in followed me to bed and tried to hookup. I didn’t do it because of pied, plus I wasn’t interested and she was my friends recent ex. At that same time my best friend put moves on the girl I was interested in and they wind up doing sexual things. He brags to me the next day about it. I’m upset and tell him that I’ve been interested and the reason I’ve been telling him about her and invited him out to meet her was because I was into her and I thought that was obvious. He apologized and encouraged me to go for it. Which I did and we became friends with benefits for about 6 months. We’re musicians so we played duet shows, made out, slept at each others places etc.. she attempted a move down there one time and I turned it down. I was still terrified about pied. Things were coming to a head and I was in a bad spot mentally so I sent her a bunch of info on pied. She didn’t answer for 2 weeks and got back to me saying she had a boyfriend now and that I freaked her out. She wanted to stay friends but I cut her off. She’s tried reaching out several times and I haven’t responded. This was a year and a half ago. I went into a major drug problem and my best friend from earlier in the story helped me through. After a while I developed an extremely disciplined life and got completely sober. I cut out a lot of people including him, partly due to a resentment that I held over him getting with that girl. I knew it was petty and he tried mending and apologizing many times and I turned it down. Last time I talked to him was 6 months ago and I responded out of fear of regret if something ever happened to him. Idk why I was thinking like that. I was being short with him and he said “dude wtf is up you don’t like me anymore?” I said “Nah man just a bad day” his birthday passed and I didn’t contact him which is unusual because I always contact on birthdays. I was being spiteful and although I felt bad I did nothing. Then a couple weeks ago I went to his Facebook because I was worried about him and saw nothing but still didn’t reach out. Now a week ago today his cousin comes into my work and tells me he fell off a bridge and died. He said it sounded like suicide to him. I immediately had a creepy feeling of.. here it is. Idk why I had a bad feeling and idk why I didn’t reach out and held resentment with my best friend of 14 years. He has 2 kids and I feel like this is all my fault. I’m paralyzed with guilt and regret. He was always there for me and I wasn’t there for him when it mattered most. I’m haunted by the thought that I felt it coming. Idk if I did I was just worried about not being on good terms with my best friend. I went through a bad drug problem and I’ve been doing good staying sober. He also borrowed money many times and never paid it back. All of these things contributed to me distancing myself but they all seem so trivial now that he is gone. The fact that I had pied in every relationship and things were starting to look up with a girl I thought was out of my league that I had been talking to for awhile, and he just got with her nonchalantly really made me resentful. I loved him though and this is so painful. I feel like it’s my fault. My life changed drastically this week
     
  2. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    I'd like to let you know a little bit about myself. When I was 9, my brother committed suicide, thinking back on it now I could easily have seen it coming. I easily could've prevented it. It took me years(until I was 17) to finally accept that it wasn't my fault, and anyone can see that a nine year old probably couldn't talk someone out of taking their own life. Right now you're blinded with the grief and the guilt. Everybody plays the blame game when it comes to the suicide of a loved one. Hell my mother still blames herself, I'm sure my father does too. The truth is that the reason they committed to it isn't simply because you pushed him away. It's a combination of things.

    Three years ago I was holding a buckknife to my carotid artery, I was ready to end it all, and the only reason I didn't was because I knew the pain it would cause. I had isolated myself away from my friends and family, then blamed them for out-casting me. I lacked dream and ambitions to pursue anything great, mentally I couldn't focus, I had no sense of identity within myself, and I was incredibly insecure on what I did identify with. The truth is once I started to regain a clear head, setting goals for myself and working on living the life I wanted, not what everyone else wanted I realized that it wasn't anyone's fault that I felt this way. It was my own.

    My brother, while I have repressed much of his memory(still working on this) had many issues of his own, he was in from what I've heard was a toxic relationship that meant the world to him, he was in constant pain from a shoulder injury that severed a nerve, and he gamed in all of his free time(I believe to escape having to deal with life).

    The sad truth, the horrible truth, is that the only person who holds any blame, and very little at that, is themself.

    ------------------------------

    I would suggest seeking counseling, at least for a little while, it helped me significantly to work through my grief. I never sought until I was graduated from high school.

    Sorry that this happened.
     
  3. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your response! I’m sorry that happened to you as well, I’m glad that you are finding direction in elements of your life. I’m in utter shock and feel like my personality has changed significantly. I’ve been thinking that counseling would be the best option but unfortunately I don’t have healthcare or the financial freedom to do it. I’m blaming myself because I felt worried about him but let resentment and my own ego get in the way with someone who was always there for me. I know I was his beat friend and I abandoned him spitefully. I feel so regretful and sorry for his family and friends. Luckily with nofap I have built a foundation of routine gym, yoga, 10,000 steps, and 3 nutritious meals a day and haven’t missed a single one in the week since it happened. The first 3 days were extreme anxiety and guilt, the next 3 were guilt and grief and hopelessness, today I’ve felt emotionless. Almost an eerie calm. Every night I’ve had dreams about him and wake up every hr with my heart pounding like an anxiety attack, I also have had an elevated heart rate and have been lightheaded for a week. I went to a friends funeral 7-8 months ago and I remember thinking of it as an omen to reflect on the people I cut off and I still didn’t reach out. The last time I talked to my best friend before this happened I was being passive aggressive. I only responded out of fear of regret but now I still regret the way I talked to him. He also brought up the funeral that I went to seeing what happened on social media. I still can’t believe I didn’t message on his birthday. That’s not like me, especially with the dread I felt. Another time I felt dread was when his old boss asked if I talked to him. I said no and he responded that he feels like he’s gonna pop back in when we least expect it. I remember feeling like that wasn’t true and changing the subject. I was also afraid to check his social media in fear of seeing something happened to him. I saw no posts for like 8 months and I still didn’t hit him up. If I was so worrried why couldn’t I get past my ego! I will never understand why I acted this way. Sorry to vent. I’m happy you responded and glad to hear you are doing well.
     
  4. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    I also feel like almost nobody understands what I’m going through. Earlier today I forgot my dad giving me money and my dad said, “how the hell could you forget me giving it to you?” I said because my heads fucked up. “He said what do you mean? Over what?” Then one of my other best friends asked how I was doing today and I said, “A little better but regret is a powerful thing” he said “ on one hand I want to tell you to just snap out of it! But I’ve been lucky that I haven’t lost anybody close to me. Another girl who’s a friend said to hit her up if I wanted to talk so I did and she said I should come over, o told her I would grab food and come over.. an hr later I get a text saying “ I don’t mean to be a dick but I’m too tired to hangout. I’m feeling like shit lately too I did molly the past 2 nights and haven’t slept much. Sorry I feel like an asshole hope you aren’t mad.” Almost everyone I’ve told about my regrets just says I’m being irrational and cuts the conversation short. I feel like I’m going crazy, I feel emotionless and like my head is buzzing. Even when I’m not thinking about it.
     
  5. Interesting food for thought.

    I’ve cut some people out of my life due to resentment. But fact is they were at several times in my life very helpful to me.

    Your post makes me reconsider my present attitude.
     
    Judas Johnson, justafriend and CH3RRY like this.
  6. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    These are hard decisions to make sometimes and there aren’t always easy answers. It’s definitely something to reflect on.
     
    CH3RRY and Deleted Account like this.
  7. abacus123

    abacus123 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry this happened to you. I have never had anyone in my close circle commit suicide, just people I didn't know very well. I have to acknowledge that I have not been the best of friends to people that have been decent people to me, and I think this is something you might want to work on. I sometimes resent people for minor things and cut them off for no decent reason. I lost good people in the process, and I wish I could get them back. Now, the people who have stuck with me in spite of knowing me well (and that I can be petty) are priceless to me, and I'm trying my best to be a better person to them. You might want to re-establish contact with some people that might have gotten cut off.

    With time, I hope you can realize this isn't your fault. It is probably a reasonable thing to look for a therapist to help you deal with your emotions. Addressing head on will likely help you heal in due time.

    It is hard for others to understand what you're going through, unless they have a way of relating to your experience (which is not always the case.) This is why sometimes therapy can help, and going to a therapist does not mean you're weak: it means you're trying to get better and putting in the effort required to do so. I hope you heal, and I wish you the best.
     
  8. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply he was the best friend I ever had and I feel so guilty. Two of the last people he talked to said he was saying he still loved me and that I was his brother and best friend. This is so fucking painful
     
  9. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    No need to be sorry for venting, if we were uninterested in helping we wouldn't be here responding. Plus it helps to get this out. I advise you to think from his perspective, do you think he blamed you for his decision? Chances are probably not, it seems to me(with how you've been describing your relationship) that he still viewed you with respect.

    I'm not sure if you're in America or not, but the America Foundation of Suicide Prevention has some resources for finding support groups for those who've lost, which may help. https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/ I believe my parents visited a few of these meetings(not sure if it was these guys), and I remember they were hugely manic at the beginning which slowly mellowed out after that.

    Truth is it's very uncomfortable for most people to deal with the grief, especially those who've never experienced it. It's not like losing grandma to old age, it's entirely different, and they don't want to say the wrong things. Also does your dad even acknowledge that you still had feelings for this ex-friend? Perhaps he just thinks you two had grown apart.

    Nobody understood what I was going through with it, none of my friends nor my parents. My parents understood the pain, but they didn't see it on the same level as me, perhaps because I was younger and more naive. I knew I'd never see him again, but I wasn't sure how to feel about it. I couldn't change the past, so I felt like I shouldn't be bothered by it. I also missed seeing him, him and my grandmother were the only two people in my family whom I related with, which made me sad knowing at that time that she would eventually pass too. Everyone has their own perspective, but that's mine, and chances are yours is pretty different aswell. I just hope you can find your peace.
     
  10. Hisself

    Hisself Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for this response. I have felt grief but more than that I feel fear and guilt. I’m afraid that I influenced his decision. He always said I was the brother he never had and his best friend. After he got with that girl I was going after I started to look at everything he had done as annoying. He had borrowed money here and there for drugs and not paid it back. This in itself wasn’t that big because as bad as it sounds we kinda did it together and neither of us always had much money. He got into it heavier than me. He always had good intentions though I had a drug problem he helped me through and he set me up to talk with his niece when I was feeling lonely even after I had ignored him a lot after things with that girl. He wanted me to move across the country with him to get clean, good thing I didn’t because he wound up doing hard drugs. After I got clean I pretty much cut everyone off and treated everybody as acquaintances. I started working out and doing yoga everyday and eating very clean I also quit doing drugs and drinking. I started to associate my best childhood friend as a nuisance because it reminded me of my failure with that girl and I started looking down on people who weren’t ruthlessly focused on self improvement. When he had his worst drug problems and relationship problems I wasn’t there and didn’t want to hear about it. I feel like that was selfish because he was a good friend and had helped me out a lot before. I feel like I abandoned him. Last time we talked also happened to be the last time I intentionally relapsed to porn, oct 12 2018. It was after our convo, last thing he said to me was sad because he asked if I didn’t like him anymore and I said it was just a bad day, I relapsed from a 195 day streak right after so I guess it was a bad day. I had come back from a drs appointment and was told I couldn’t continue the martial arts class I just signed up for because of a wrist injury. Then his birthday passed and I thought about texting him but didn’t, then about a month ago I randomly got worried about him, checked his Facebook hoping to see a positive post and no bad news but nothing. I still didn’t hit him up, at this point I’m thinking I might regret that if something happened to him but that’s crazy to think that way right? What could possibly happen? Earlier in the day before I found out what happened I walked to a local school and sat on the swing wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t let go of this resentment, wondering if it would take a worse case scenario for me to learn how to let go of a grudge. Then I got the news and felt like the universe played a creepy trick on me. Some things seem too ironic to be real, I felt like this was all a lesson that I failed. I had the chance and this is what happens if you don’t take it. It’s just wild I’ve talked to him once in 6 months, why was this feeling building? The only time I was ever worried about him doing something harmful was 2 years ago when I first started giving him the cold shoulder after the situation with this girl. He seemed too frantic to make sure we were on good terms. Showing up at my work and house sending long messages and walking around the neighborhood going in local stores trying to find me. That’s why I feel so guilty, the last 2 people who I know talked to him said he brought up that I was still his brother and best friend. The thing is these 2 people barely know me and he was still talking about me to them. If this was intentional then I know I was on his mind before he did this, and I thought about reaching out but didn’t.. I feel like only I know how much that hurt him. I didn’t want this to happen though. He left behind his parents, his mom was like a second mother growing up, and two babies. Also that niece he set me up with a few years ago who was helping me through shit, she posted something right after it happened talking about her thinking about suicide so I immediately hit her up and have been trying to talk her through it for the past week. I feel like I influenced all of this suffering by not being a good friend but at the same time I just wanted to straighten my shit out. I tried to get him to work out and take cold showers when I started doing that, I even wound up telling him about my porn problems a year later. He’s the only dude I ever told but I don’t think he ever applied any of this. Still I was told that he was losing it towards the end because he said nobody liked him anymore.
     
  11. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    Sadly, it is next to impossible to get people to change their behaviors, they will only change if they want to change. Think about it, when your teachers, parents, or priest(if that's your thing) told you not to masturbate, did you listen? Or in your case, with the drugs, did that ever stop you from using? It wasn't until YOU realized something was wrong that you decided to change. It sounds like to me he started distancing himself shortly before the move, and I wouldn't expect someone to make such a large move with me. None of this is your fault. None of it. You are just the bearer of the pain, one of the many.

    I'm glad you reached out to his niece, sometimes people just need a hand up when they're falling down, but understand it is not up to you to solve their issues. That is their choice. What I mean by this is, don't get too invested into their problems, because if they end up not taking your advice it will hurt.
     
    justafriend likes this.
  12. Jal Say

    Jal Say Fapstronaut

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    This is a hard situation.

    I can not truly share your pain because I have never gone through something like that.

    All I can try is to give you comfort through words but only words are insufficient and limited.

    Please feel yourself hugged if possible. As one commend said, it's not your fault, such a thing can only happen by multiple things not by just one.

    And, as you wrote, he loved you, do you think that your best friend, which was there for you, would like to see you in such misery?

    No, he would not I suppose.
     

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