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"Beggars Can't Be Choosers" vs. "Don't Settle"

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ManHvnBnd, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Hey all,

    I've been in a hope dilemma, if I can call it that, for several years since HS. For context, I'm a 20M devout Christian in my 3rd of 5 years at university pursuing an engineering degree. Currently I'm as single-since-birth as they come. No girlfriend, never been on a date, never been asked out, never had any confession reciprocated, essentially never been approached (a long story), never kissed anyone, never had sex/intimacy, etc.

    My HS had a large student body of around 2,000 students, and my uni. is pretty large too. With being at the uni. that I'm at, I notice a lot of attractive women, a few of whom I'm friends with. I'm also in some extracurriculars at my uni.: club tennis, NSBE (National Society of Black Engineers), and a specific Christian org. when I have the time. So it's not a matter that I shut myself off from others and the public. With my past lack of a lovelife, I'm trying not to lose hope in the future. Only knowing that God has a plan for me is keeping me mentally/emotionally afloat in this aspect.

    The question at hand sadly has been on my mind too many times when I imagined myself in this hypothetical situation: If your lovelife is very sparse in which next to no one has ever liked/will ever like you romantically, but you don't fully reciprocate feelings, would it be better to...
    1. just accept a relationship ("beggars can't be choosers"),
    2. keep rejecting ("don't settle"),
    3. or any other option that could exist?
    Feel free to answer. Thanks for reading all of this if you did. :emoji_thumbsup: And sorry if this is too depressing.
     
    Lee10, KS1994 and Marsmaster like this.
  2. Marsmaster

    Marsmaster Fapstronaut

    So are you asking that if someone suddenly found out about you and absolutely fell in love with you, then your "but" statement? I would say in general, always give people the benefit of the doubt and at least TRY to make something happen, whether that be a date, multiple dates, or a full-blown relationship, it all depends on what the chemistry is like and if the relationship can thrive with how things like goals, determination, trust, etc. mesh up.

    If you come to the conclusion that things just won't work out between you two, (because possibly one or more of the things above don't meet up right) then I'd definitely say don't settle. I've been through about 6-10 different relationships, most of them toxic. I was young and naive and couldn't recognize that there was more out there, that I just had to be patient to get the right one for me. IMO God always wants us to be happy and is preparing someone to be with us, but at the same time we have to be preparing ourselves to be the person we want to end up with as well.
     
    JB333, ManHvnBnd and Lee10 like this.
  3. TheProcedure

    TheProcedure Fapstronaut

    hey bro I think about this question a lot. and for the most part I say

    NEVER SETTLE.

    BUT. I think, if we're ready, God gives us the freedom to meet and interact with other people. Dating is not marriage and is not a binding commitment. Maybe through dating someone we are unsure of might be "the one" or not could teach us lessons about people and about ourselves that are invaluable. so I think it depends from case to case. obviously pray about the specific situation should it arise. but when it comes to marrying someone or being with someone in more of a long-term commitment rather than say just going out for coffee or a little date here and there, never ever settle. it's not fair to you, and perhaps more importantly, it wouldn't be fair for the woman.
     
    ManHvnBnd and Marsmaster like this.
  4. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    For the stage of life that you're describing yourself in, I think there's a third option between settling and being rejected. If you're just going on the first date with someone, there's no way you're "settling" yet. Settling is something that happens when you've been dating someone for a long time, it isn't working out, you have lots of incompatibilities, you're often unhappy in your relationship, but you decide to take a big step together anyway (like moving in together, making some joint financial commitment, or having a child together) because you think it might repair the relationship. Settling is where you further commit yourself to an unhealthy relationship because you believe you wouldn't be able to find anything better. It's definitely something you want to avoid doing. It will either destroy your relationship in a really bad way or turn you into a very bitter person.

    My advice is some advice you've already given yourself: have some patience. In all likelihood, you will date people. You will most likely get married, and you will most likely have children (almost 90% of all humans have children at some point). There's no need to rush into any of that right now. I'm not a religious man, but as you put it for yourself: God has a plan for you. Trust in that and just be patient.

    If you've been facing a lot of rejection, embrace it! I know that might feel like odd advice, but hear me out: Think about the difference between happiness and sadness. They're at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, but in a way, they depend on one another. You can't really describe happiness without also describing sadness (and vice versa). If you've never been sad, then you've never really been happy, either. What would your point of reference be? Well, rejection and acceptance are the same way: two sides of the same coin. Experience your rejections fully and authentically. It will make acceptance that much more sweet when it comes around.
     
    Marik757, Carbon6 and ManHvnBnd like this.
  5. frogs2345

    frogs2345 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    There is some girl out there for you. My advice is a compromise between the two statements. If a girl likes you, or you like a girl, ask them out. The worst they can do is say no. However, don't go asking out girls you don't know. Asking a girl you barely know is not worth your time. Get to know her first. If you don't like her personality, don't waste your time and money.
    A very nice guy I met told me some a few days ago: " when you are seeing God, the girl you want to marry will be running the same race as you." That means, don't get "oneitis" for a girl and try to set yourself up with her. It also doesn't mean wait for God to drop a girl in your lap. Part of faith is taking the first step and leaning on God. You will date a few girls, and you will have heartbreak, but the reward is a girl worth your time and affections. It takes effort and diligence to find a girl you like, who likes you, and who is worth your time. Don't give up, and don't focus too much on it. Not everything in life is a relationship with a pretty girl. Pray about it. Ask God to tell you what he wants regarding your relationship. He may call you to focus on something else for a while. Ultimately when you seek him, he will complete you.
    Stay strong.
     
    Marik757 and ManHvnBnd like this.
  6. Single life is a valid path. If you are Christian is it possible this is what God wants for you?
     
    ManHvnBnd likes this.
  7. Maybe you should think about all the shades of grey, not everything is black or white. Find the things that you could settle with and what is essentially non negotiable. Find balance.
     
    ManHvnBnd likes this.
  8. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Are you trying to land a Stacey ?
     
  9. MonkeyDo

    MonkeyDo Fapstronaut

    You're already putting yourself in social situations, so why do you have to think about it any further?

    Just make decisions in each moment as they come. You're not going to magically think your way into a good relationship. In matters of finding love you have to act from your gut.

    If it feels right in the moment, do it, say yes to it. If not, don't.
     
    ManHvnBnd likes this.
  10. Starseeker

    Starseeker Fapstronaut

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    3. Go on dates with the chicks that you do find remotely interesting in any way. Well, if dating sounds too high pressure for you just try to hangout 1 on 1 with chicks you find interesting. Like for me i realized that it's only when i'm hanging out with someone 1 on 1 that i kinda have a better read of what the other person is actually thinking.

    As for losing hope, don't man. Your time will definitely come. As a person who's in a similar situation (although admittedly i'm the one with the problem) your opportunities will come. You just have to be ready for them and you won't have a problem
     
    ManHvnBnd likes this.
  11. Jay Hanuman

    Jay Hanuman New Fapstronaut

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    youtube -> The Natural Lifestyles
     
    ManHvnBnd likes this.

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