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GF needing advice.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Sincerelyhis, Mar 4, 2019.

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  1. Sincerelyhis

    Sincerelyhis New Fapstronaut

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    My bf has been nearly 40 days PM free! I am so proud of him. I am currently trying to educate myself more on NoFap so I can continue to understand his reboot and what comes with it. He is pretty good about communication for the most part. We are not doing hard mode, and we are having sex as often as we can... At least 3-4 times a week. This seems to help him with his HL urges. It's helping with sexual duration and yes he flatlines sometimes but overall I keep thinking we're going great! Last night however, I was too tired to have sex (seems like a bad excuse but I was) and I could tell he felt rejected and sad. He won't admit it but he was still upset this morning. I'm truly trying to be available to him for whatever he needs. This is draining on both of us but it is also amazing.

    How do you and your SO deal with rebooting while building an intimate and sexual relationship? How do I remain supportive when his emotions are so up and down. What advice do you have for a GF as we move forward with this and be successful?
     
    freeit and kropo82 like this.
  2. Sincerelyhis

    Sincerelyhis New Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry, I am new here. Was this supposed to be a link for me to read?
     
  3. MonkeyDo

    MonkeyDo Fapstronaut

    Hi @Sincerelyhis.

    For him to recover, he will have to become comfortable with expressing to you when he feels upset or sad or resentful. This is how the feelings can flow through him and he can overcome them. If he holds them in they will continue to have power over him and make him act in ways that are not healthy for him or for your relationship.

    I guess the best you can do is to show him you are OK with expressing your feelings and you are also not going to be judgmental when he expresses his. This will help him to get rid of his fear that you will abandon him or think he is a bad person when he expresses his feelings to you.

    It is possible that he is not ready to do this and you may find out that he is on a different path in life than you are. But you may also find that he can do it and your relationship will be so much stronger because of the additional emotional freedom you will feel with each other. To be able to express how you feel to your partner without fearing that they will stop loving you because of it is an essential part of any lasting relationship.
     
    Steve_to_the_rescue likes this.
  4. expressyourself

    expressyourself Fapstronaut

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    Exactly this, well said and well written!
    It's all about conforming each other.
    Btw, OP - I highly suggest you google "Karezza" and how to do it, it may benefit you both in terms of closeness in your relationship, especially a great thing to do when he is on NoFap, and theres a lot of internal dynamic activity in your relationship
     
  5. Itsmeagain

    Itsmeagain Fapstronaut

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    For the record, I stopped PMO for 180 days in 2016. I slowly lowered my guard and was back at it more or less after a year..gradually. During the holidays of 2018 I had a binge and decided to re-register for this forum.....I was good for 55 days, then in the week-end I bombed, had a few drinks and ended up watching P....so back to square 1.

    For me, the lack of sex sorta was a reason why I was self-medicating/compensating with Porn. I used to have sex with the wife about every two weeks.....it wasn't enough. But anyway, porn is not a good way to get your fix, as the SO gets pissed off at the porn addict's addiction. In the end, it doesn't help, especially when porn-induced erectile dysfunction rears its ugly head..... Also, I was often mad at the wife, I felt short-changed on sex. She was depressed, but didn't recognized it until a doctor found out.

    My wife is understanding and helpful, but her libido never really increased. We get real sex once a week, its pretty much when we stand now. I'm no longer mad at her, as she was "sick" being depressive and all.
    Also, we bought a toy, for the occasions where she would like to opt out of sex herself, but she takes care of me that way....
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  6. Itsmeagain

    Itsmeagain Fapstronaut

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    Not sure about Karezza. It didn't work for me. I bought a book on it, I tried to get her to become more involved in sex. The wife, at the time ,took it as a subterfuge to get sex more often and longer lol.....

    She also always told me that she doesn't really want me to last much longer, as apparently it doesn't stay stimulating after a while. So my fairly quick 3-4 minutes of glory is all what she asks for... YMMV!!!!!
     
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Yes, those first 90 (180, ...) days are so hard. That's amazing.

    Lots of the people in this part of the forums didn't do hard mode either. It sounds like you are both doing great.

    Be careful. This is not all about his 'needs', you need to remain connected, deeply, to your own feelings and your own integrity. Being available for whatever he needs doesn't sound balanced.

    Be honest and connected with your own feelings. Help him celebrate his success but be ready to help him bounce back from any failure. Help him see that honesty and openness will transform him into a better man. But most of all I just want to congratulate you, you are amazing, you are doing great.
     
    Numb and EyesWideOpen like this.
  8. Sincerelyhis

    Sincerelyhis New Fapstronaut

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    Update: he was upset because of his ego being bruised, but we have a much bigger issue here. His ex-wife cheated on him with one of her co-workers, and he thinks that I am capable of doing the same thing to him. He is worried that I AM doing the same thing to him (I am not). On nights when I don't feel like having sex, it triggers his insecurities and sense him into a tizzy of irrational thought. We were able to discuss this at length and I was able to explain that by him projecting his fears onto me it's creating a huge rift in our relationship. We go through this maybe once every two weeks. His trust issues are issues that he needs to deal with that stem from his childhood and continued into his adulthood, then we're renewed by his ex cheating on him. He is seeing a therapist. He has asked me to join him in therapy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2019
  9. Itsmeagain

    Itsmeagain Fapstronaut

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    There is a lot of important things you mention in this post. But you also hit the nail on the head. His insecurities, YES! Therapy YES! Him asking you to join, now THAT is progress on his part.

    I can somehow relate to him, because I had those insecurities before. Hopefully, the therapy will be beneficial...he loves you, but he hasn't healed yet....those wounds are dragging him behind...and they rear their ugly faces too often...

    Godspeed to you 2!
     
    Sincerelyhis likes this.

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