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going around in circles

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Feb 28, 2019.

  1. I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Not on the relationship, but In ever feeling heard and understood.

    Not a day goes by where I don’t feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am a basket case and I’m starting to become almost numb to everything. I get these terrible invasive thoughts in my head picturing him PMO. I wonder why he would ignore me physically so he could PMO instead. I wonder why he let me cry all those times when I’d try talking to him about our nonexistent sex life and how unattractive I felt. I wonder if he has just gottenbetter at hiding it because he’s still not that interested in me sexually. I wonder why he’s never once asked for a sexy picture of me but had plenty saved on his phone of other girls. Iam triggered all the time. We live in alakeside community and I’m terrified for the summer when everyone is in abikini. We’re going to Jamaica in October for a friends wedding and Iam also dreading it for this reason. Just thinking about Jamaica is makingmy heart pound. I read other men’sjournals about how they get triggered by their wife. About how their wife isso sexy and I know I’ll never have that.

    For some reason he believes that if he just doesn’t watch porn everything will be okay. It doesn’t work that way. Istill have to live with these thoughts, I still have to accept that he could lookme in the eye and lie. I still have to wonder if he’s fantasizing while we’re having sex. I have terrible anxiety over this. When will he get it?

    I’ve told him over and over that Ineed him to put in the effort tounderstand betrayal trauma, to get anidea of what this is like for me. He will read something and that’s it. Forgetall about it again. A couple weeks ago I couldn’t take it anymore. We got in afight and he said something along the lines of “I’m doing everything I can” Igot so angry because obstaining fromwatching porn is only the bareminimum. Plus the way it came across was like “I’ve already given up my mistress which Is something/someone I really want so what more do you want from me” I didn’t want to tell him once again that I need him to do the research to understand what this addiction has done to me. I wanted him to just do it. Remember that scene in the movie “the breakup”where she says “I want you to want to do the dishes” and he says “whywould I want to do the dishes” thatscene makes so much sense rightnow. I want him to put in the effort because he wants to help me byunderstanding.

    Sorry for the long rant
     
  2. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Is your PA here on NoFap?

    ..

    Yes..very true. Obstaining from porn is NOT recovery -- Recovery involves a complete change, from the inside out. And, recovery while in a marriage or relationship involves much patience, empathy and ultimately healing.

    ..

    I hope your PA is on NoFap -- encourage him to join, to read, to learn. To truly seek out what thia porn addiction thing is all about. He needs to pursue it and evolve his thinking; he needs to find accountability partners. Bottom Line: he needs to seek out help..or he's not in recovery.
     
    hope4healing and Susannah like this.
  3. PA's do these things because they have an addiction that has changed their brain in a way that no longer allows them to consider how their actions affect others. There's no consideration for your feelings or how the things they do hurt you. All of that becomes irrelevant to them because it does nothing to help them feed the addiction. As difficult as it is (and I honestly know it's extremely difficult because I struggle with it, too), try to remember that it isn't because of you that he chooses PMO. It isn't because you aren't good enough in any way.

    He can let you cry when you try to talk to him about everything because again, his addiction doesn't allow him to be empathetic or to even acknowledge your pain. It's heartwrenching, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

    I agree with all that @TryingHard2Change said. His belief that abstaining from PMO equals recovery is just another way of saying he's in denial. And, it doesn't matter how long that continues...simply abstaining from PMO for a year or even two will still never mean he's 'recovered.' My husband is a perfect example of this. He's tried to convince himself that he doesn't need to do any recovery work because he can abstain for months at a time. But, he's done that about 10 or more times so that clearly indicates it isn't working. As much as it sucks to say this, I feel like those periods of abstinence are really just breaks between relapses.

    I can relate to the anguish and frustration you feel from trying (unsuccessfully) to be heard...to have your pain acknowledged and understood. It leaves you feeling alone and abandoned by the one person you should be able to count on to help you when you're hurting. I wish I had the right answer about how to get through to them, but I don't. All I do know is that, unfortunately, they have to get to that point on their own. As long as they refuse to face reality and accept that their addiction is a real problem that needs to addressed properly, nothing will change.

    I'm sorry you're hurting so much. This road is awful for everyone who travels it, but hopefully he will see that his current plan isn't one that will fix anything in the long run. Hang in there.
     
  4. bakes

    bakes Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    It's the first time I read something from the other side. It's good to hear a wife or a GF of PMO addict share her thoughts on this. For me I've given up trying to be in a relationship until I can stop completely and go beyond not fapping. I've understood that this is for me. Not for the next relationship.
    So as @hope4healing mentioned it his recovery nor his addiction for that matter has nothing to do with you. He would do the same if it was another woman. And the only thing you could do is focus on yourself. Maybe talk to other people about other alternatives. I remember wanting so bad to stop PMO when my GF broke up with me (Not that I'm advising you to do so) but it was a nice push. Well she's married now with 2 kids :) but that was 10 years ago. I'm glad she left otherwise she would be stuck with this. (Pointing at me)
    I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish both of you the best.
     
  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    This! Excellent point! It was a HUGE realization for me when I realized my husband CAN NOT sympatize with me because his neurological pathways have been shaped around his habits and he is not biologically able too! It's when we do good in life that we realize how bad we have been, never while we are "bad". There is no addict in the world that "feel" for the people they are hurting, if they were, they wouldn't be able to continue with their habits. So the brain simply changes in order to rationalize the addictive behaviour. When the brain has healed, new thoughts on accountability and empathy will emerge.
     
  6. Yes he is here on nofap but hardly ever logs on.
     
  7. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Wow. This looks like something I could have written! I sooooo know what you're going through. I am going through the exact same.yhing. he thinks that because he's quit porn, I should be happy. But I'm not. It takes time to heal and I need him to understand the pain that he's caused. I need him.tp stop telling me that I'm making.him feel like an asshole when I randomly get sad about it. Our sex life is still suffering and I feel hideous to him. I've never felt that way in my life, even when I was morbidly obese.

    I don't have advice for you. I am at a loss I'm my situation just like you. But I.am willing to listen to you vent and bounce ideas off of eachother. Maybe we can share things we've tried that dis or didn't work.
     
  8. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I appreciate that.
     

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