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Conflict Bringing Us Together--does anyone have any resources/links/articles/books on this topic?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TryingHard2Change, Feb 5, 2019.

  1. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I have been thinking about the last 20 months since our Final DDay (June 1, 2017) -- and really over our 22 year marriage. One HUGE flaw / huge failure in our marriage is we were both experts in conflict-avoidance.

    People have often labeled us "too kind" / "too giving" / "we let people walk over us". How that played out as a married couple between us is we both had a hard time being open and honest when it came to pointing out each other's flaws / we wouldn't bring up negative observations...we just held it in, ignored it, pretended it wasn't there, "took it to Jesus" (the "spiritual" solution..which does not make a relationship strong!), etc.

    I forget which book on marriage this comes from---but I remember reading a chapter about the two key ingredients of a marriage: Love and Truth ... The author wrote truth without love looks like a married couple that always complains and bickers at each other. Love without truth looks like a married couple that is super lovey-dovey, no issues, no problems, but the relationship/connection is paper thin because the couple doesn't bring truth in observations, which are sometimes difficult truths. And working through difficulties and differences is a huge part of growing closer and tighter together as a couple. My wife and I never, ever, ever fought or had much of any conflict in our 20 year marriage leading up to DDay--I have come to realize that that is entirely UNHEALTHY!

    ..

    OK, long intro over: the question stated in the title of this thread says it all...does anyone have any pointers to books or articles or YouTube videos or whatever about this idea of Conflict Bringing Us Together? Not just the idea of it..but practical examples of how best to work through conflicts as a couple..maybe even specifically when going through major marriage crisis like many of us are.

    ..

    The one thought I had about this--thinking about how I have _failed_ to do this well over the last 20 months on this recovery journey: Leadership .. It takes leadership on one or both sides to press into the conflict / press into the feelings of discomfort to work through the conflict, instead of avoiding it or side-steping it (my wife and I are experts in that remember).

    Anyway...pointers to good books or resources anyone?
     
    Susannah likes this.
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    The Gottman institute books are great for learning this sort of thing.
     
    EyesWideOpen, Kenzi and Trappist like this.
  3. I would second Gottman.

    Hope you can ‘start’ a conflict with your wife to resolve. :emoji_hugging:

    On the other hand, are you both stonewalling each other, in which case Gottman again?
     
    Jennica likes this.
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I don't recall talking to a Joel.

    (although, strangely enough, I think my Christian online-Skype counselor right after DDay [June 1, 2017] from June 2017 - January 2018...I'm pretty sure his name was Joel. His organization was based in St. Louis.)
     
  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    this is probably a non-standard recommendation - but Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life has lots to say the ultimate value of truth. i don't think you could read it and not come away seeing truth as the glue that holds civilization together. so it doesn't help with the conflict, but it might make the conflict seem more worthwhile.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  6. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I'm not concerned about the conflict .. actually, I YEARN for conflict [versus the constant avoidance that we've praticed for 22+ years].
     

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