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New to Community / Day 1:

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by RejBuz, Jan 26, 2019.

  1. RejBuz

    RejBuz Fapstronaut

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    Day 1: Starting off the day disappointed. This is not the first time I've tried the NoFap challenge, and I keep going into it with expectations that I'm going to fail again. Addiction is a hard thing to cope with.

    A little about myself, to possibly help you understand days and situations to come: Im 28 and I'm married with 2 children. I work in Sales.
    I've been addicted to PMO since I was a kid. I suffer PIED and have since the beginning of my "Real" sexual activity. I've only had successful intercourse with 1 woman, my wife.
    I have a hard time getting and keeping an erection for my wife, and Its nearly impossible for me to have sex with her more than once a day, however throw on some porn and I could go to town all day...

    Today is going to be a lot like other "Day 1:"s I'm going to start the day off feeling motivated toward the challenge and later in the day, of course, im going to feel a sudden, strong urge for PMO or at least just MO. Most times I can only last 7 - 15 days before relapse. Once I made it an entire month!
    My trigger is usually only when I'm home alone.

    My strongest motivation this time, however, is if I'm not successful, I'm going to loose my family. Me and my wife have fought alot about this issue and she threatened to leave before, but apparently that wasn't enough for me to give up PMO, again... Addiction is hard to cope with.

    I feel like I've tried everything. I've tried working out, setting up internet blocks (which does not work btw... We are young and smart, internet blocks are a sham!) Finding new hobbies, listening to podcasts, and watching YouTubers going thu NoFap for help. Talking to a church member for spiritual guidance, Adjusting my schedule to avoid triggers. Which I'll be honest I have been successful in reducing the amount of triggers by activly trying these things, only problem is, it just ends in PMO one way or another, I get around it all and do the thing...

    This however is a First for me, iv never Joined a community for support. I've been to embarrassed to open up, but here it goes! I will be keeping a personal journal everyday for 90 days and possibly into retention. I'll share as much as I feel important enough to.

    And I promise they won't all be this long! If your reading this, and can relate it would mean a lot to me if you would share your experience! I'm not the kind of person that needs a ptity party tho, as I said, I work in Sales, where the environment is "Man up or you won't reach your numbers!" So I'm used to criticism, and respond to it! Again, Thanks for taking the time to read this!
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
  2. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am glad you found NoFap..this journey you are starting is going to be a tough one. But this community is a wonderful tool to get support, encouragement, sometimes calling-you-on-the-carpet when needed, etc.

    I suggest the following things:
    [#1] Start a journal here on NoFap. Here is a link to the Ages 25-29 journal forum. Start your journal...write in it daily / maybe twice a day your first 14 days.

    [#2] Read other people's journals...find other PA's your same age or others who are in similar situation (married with kids). Read and learn and understand how other PA's are working their recovery. Also, read some SO journals in the Rebooting in a Relationship (or sub-forums from there)...getting a better understanding of how SO's process and heal and their own journey through this will help you grow in empathy for your wife. (And help keep you focused on doing the right thing.)

    [#3] Find an Accountability Partner ... or 2 or 3 of them! Here is a link to the AP forum.

    [#4] Change your schedule. Starting off, you cannot just stop watching porn...white-knuckling it for a few days or a few weeks does not count. You MUST replace the PM'ing with something positive...and that usually starts with purposely adjusting your schedule:
    * when did you most often PM? What time(s) of day?

    For me, it was late at night after..after my wife went to bed...between 11PM - 1AM/2AM (two or three times per week on average). So when I first took recovery seriously -- I made a commitment to go to bed _with my wife_ EVERY night. Not FOR sex...but simply as a sign that I was not PM'ing while she was sleeping.

    I also changed my morning routine...woke up earlier / worked out at home / etc.

    [#5] Porn blocking / monitoring...I agree that porn blockers generally don't work well...especially for tech savvy people. But, I still think it's a good idea to invest the time yourself into trying to lock down you devices....your home WiFi--use OpenDNS on your home router / block porn...that works pretty well.

    And then monitoring tools...lots of options like Covenany Eyes. Consider something..for yourself / for your wife's peace of mind.

    [#7] Read, read, READ! Learn everything you can about porn addiction .. recovery from porn addiction. Is your wife suffering from Betrayal Trauma...read about that. How is your emotional intimacy with your wife? .. read about Intimacy Anorexia.

    ..

    Last thought: consider opening up to someone in person about your battle with porn addiction. Whether that be an anonymous 12-step group...Celebrate Recovery (a Christian-base 12 step-like group) --- or even better: tell a trusted friend, pastor, family member perhaps.

    Porn addiction thrives in the dark / in secrecy. NoFap is GREAT first step..and you can battle and overcome PA if you stick to #1-6 above. But, opening up in real life with someone you trust..REALLY helps.

    My wife confronted me about my porn issues about 3 times over our 22 year marriage (about every 7 years it turned out). It wasn't until the last time -- June 2017 -- that I took it seriously...and what I mean by "seriously" is that is when I told someone in real life about it for the first time. (a local pastor..that I had never met before)

    ..

    Anyway, good luck. You are among friends here...friends who are all working together to overcome PA and the effects PA has had on our lives individually and in our relationships. I am glad you found NoFap. Keep coming back..read NoFap daily / stay connected here / and always be growing.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2019
    Rock_Star, Br1 R1, RejBuz and 2 others like this.
  3. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    @RejBuz welcome to NoFap, I’m glad you are here seeking support in your battle against PMO abuse.
    I would highly suggest you edit your original post and remove any personally identifying references to yourself. This is a public forum, and there are nefarious people out there that could use this against you to hurt harm or manipulate you. Although I can say I appreciate your honesty, the lies and deceit of PA can’t survive through that level of truth.
    The suggestions above are great. You’ll need to arm yourself for the battles and struggles ahead, the more tools you have at your disposal the better, you’ll need them.
    I would like to suggest you change your mindset though. You are expecting failure. By setting yourself up for failing you are making it a reality. So stop that line of thinking however you can.
    Set yourself up for success. You are at day one, so take it one day at a time. You will be successful today in refraining from PMO, you can do it, I believe in you. Don’t let your former relapses rule you, these can only be mistakes if you don’t take the time to look back and learn from them. Ask yourself what led up to them, determine the choices you made, and vow to make new and better ones today. You can do this. You are worth it. It helps to set goals for yourself, but the best goals should be attainable, but they should also make you feel uncomfortable. So start with just today, because I know you can commit to being free from it for one day. Perhaps tomorrow can set a goal of another day, or two more. Eventually those short term goals can turn into 90 days, a year, or even a lifetime with the changes you make and the goals you commit to right now.
    Change your routine, change your life. I wish you the best on your recovery, and look forward to reading about your progress!
     
  4. RejBuz

    RejBuz Fapstronaut

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    @TryingHard2Change thank you for your support! In tip #5 Im not sure what OpenDNS is I'll have to do some research on that, sounds like a better option if it blocked it from the router! Because then it would block porn on all devices rather than just 1 device I'm Assuming!
    And Covenany Eyes I've never heard of either LOL I guess I'm not as tech savvy as I thought :p
    And tip #7 hits home with me as well because yes my wife is experiencing betrayal and it hurts knowing I'm causing her pain unintentionally, and I wanna check out that Intimacy Anorexia thank you! Your post means a lot to me thank you for taking the time to respond!

    Same goes for you @NF4L I took your advice and removed my name and children's age, left in the Verizon bit... Ya know cause maybe I can make a sale on here LOL JK but i wasnt thinking. I am trying to stay positive about this journey and even tho I've been down this road several times I do feel different about it now, that I'm able to open up a bit! One day at a time , sometimes easier said than done. Honestly I keep thinking about Flatline and I worry about it because me and my wife fight alot about Sex and even tho she says it's not about my PIED issue ... Deep down I know it is! I hate thinking that it's gonna unavoidably get worse when I go in and out of Flatlines Thru recovery. I guess I should have specified that in my first post. This journey is exciteing thinking about the results but what I'm gonna go thru scars me honestly, last time I had a flat line, the only reason I relapsed is because I wanted to "Test" to see if my dick still worked at all! F*kin sad man, pissed me off after I did it too. I don't want to expect failure but D*mn my self consciousness gets the best of me as well.
    Can you guys relate to that at all? How did you manage your own feelings on that?
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  5. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    You may want to consider a hard mode reboot if you have issues with PIED. Giving your mind and body a break to really reset seems to be the best medicine. Hopefully removing the stress and shame you are feeling from your addiction and how it has affected you and sex with your partner allows you to focus on healing, and staying sober. I didn’t have issues with PIED, so it might be hard to relate, but I certainly have empathy and can understand how humiliating it could feel. There are plenty of things I’ve done as a result of my addiction that I still struggle with even today. I did it to myself. So I won’t let that happen to me again. That is why I have committed to a recovery without relapse. You can read about it in my journal. Prepare yourself with the knowledge of what is coming, commit to making positive changes, communicate to your wife with vulnerability and authenticity. She can and will be your biggest supporter and champion if you let her.
     
  6. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Welcome RejBuz, you have come to the right place, I am 50 and have 3 kids and have been addicted to P for 30+ years. Luckily I never got PIED, but I do understand what it is. I was on my first few attempts to give up motivated because I was going to lose my wife and family, did this stop me, NO. I just went further underground and stopped looking where she could see, I really did want to give up but just couldn't , every day saying I wont do it, some days I made it others I didn't and once I started I was addicted so didn't stop. So I started to view from work, very risky as now I could lose everything if caught. My wife found out and the final D Day was terrible, I was gone, I knew if I was caught I was going to be kicked to the curb. Luckily my wife for some reason gave me ANOTHER chance! More than I deserved really.

    This final rock bottom I realised I had to do this for me and I had to realise that P is not good for me and that by not looking at it I was not losing or missing out on something but I am gaining so much more, LIFE, a real life, one where I am not constantly worried and stressed and anxious which only fuelled looking at P more. Since that day I have M once, due to "TESTING" as it just seemed like it was dead. DONT do this it is ok, it's just recovering it will get better. Being on here and reading other long timers has really helped as when I am having down moments, like last 3 weeks, instead of going back to PMO to feel better I have ridden it out and really it's not that bad, heaps better than going back to P and the regret and shitty feeling you will have. The worst is blue balls for me, they ache someday's really bad, now that is the worst it gets, think about it, your balls ache a bit usually only for 10 - 15 mins at the most and if I just give them a little massage or dont think about it it goes away. Is that that hard to endure! I am currently around day 72 of hard mode, really had to think hard on doing this and be committed, I am also doing the Nofap Acadamey while doing this, some really good info and work in there, I can recommend it.

    I wish you the best and hope to see you around here, Good Luck!
     
    RejBuz, NF4L and TryingHard2Change like this.
  7. RejBuz

    RejBuz Fapstronaut

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    @Br1 R1 Dude your experience is moving man! (@NF4L) Thank you! I'll be honest I'm down for Hard Mode but I mentioned it to my wife and she said, " IDK if I can handle that, unless you can still take care of me" and I'm pretty sure that's not against the rules right? what if I were to talk to my wife again about hard mode, and see if we can try and go 1 month at a time for 3 months, maybe taking 1 or two days after each month to "do the thing" :p

    What is the "Nofap Academy" sounds interesting.

    It's Day 3 for me now and it hasn't been too bad actually, I will start keeping my Journal in my age group pretty soon here on the forums. But Since my Main Trigger is just being Home alone, kids are at school and wife works early, and I'm either off work or don't go in until later... This is when I'm trying to work ony journal and stay active on here with reply or reading. And I'm willing to do this for at least the first half month to full month, I want to start getting more work done around the house and working out, but iv just felt so unmotivated lately, I'm doing my best to keep my mind off of P and even taking the time to write this brings back flash backs or recent lapses.

    I'm very humbled and suprised that within just the first few hours of posting for the first time in this community, I was met by such warm and encouraging replys, I can see this helping me greatly. Iv reached out to a trusted friend and religious mentor about my problem and we have spoke at length about it. We will be meeting regularly for updates I will probably just share most of my Journal with him.
     
    NF4L and Trappist like this.
  8. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Sounds like your on the right path. About keeping your wife happy, there is no hard rule about not keeping her happy, I have done this a few times, no penetration, actually keep my pants on and no rubbing against her. It is not ideal but we had a good sex life so I dont see why my wife has to miss out because I need to do 90 days without sex. Anyway up to you but if you engage every 30 days, you just wont ever be doing the 90 days. Yes keep busy during the times you would normally act out, if you start to think of doing something I find going for a walk away from my computer helps. If alone I know it is difficult but there is lots of ways to deal with it. Keep looking on here and you will finds lots of help. Yes all the people on here are very generous with their time and will help you if you ask. You will also get some tough love so dont take it to heart, they are only trying to help to. I can tell you I have had some kicks up the arse here. At first I didnt like it but it was needed as I was in brain fog from my addiction and once I calmed down and took the advice I am all the better for it. Good luck and keep going you will make it!
     
    RejBuz likes this.
  9. RejBuz

    RejBuz Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter ok Iv edited it a second time to just say I work in Sales lol I've never been a victim of anything related to the the internet so I don't really think about " how much is to much" but it's funny tho cause obviously I preach this kind of stuff to my daughter lol
    Also just to clarify why I felt failure at the very beginning:
     
  10. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    Hey RejBuz no problem with GW putting my hand up. Thanks for the vote of confidence GW I appreciate that you think I can help here, I know my wife can, she is so much more informed than me. I have not spoken to her but I am sure she would help out if you want her to. I am only fairly new to all of this and still stumbling my way through. What I do know is what I was doing did not work, what we have been following from good advice on here, mostly from GW has possibly, no HAS saved my marriage. So if you want to ask anything about what I do or how I handle things hit me up either here or PM me if you want. You can read through my journal, a bit pathetic really, I do need to put more effort in there but it will give you some background on me.
     
  11. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    I think it's awesome that you are taking this first step on the journey. I can entirely relate to your story, I'm also 28 married with two kids, and have been addicted to PMO since my teens.

    I've been caught on several occasions by my wife, but the last time (March 2018) was the final straw for my wife, and we have nearly ended several times since then. I feel like the place we are in at the moment is far better than at the beginning, and to be honest, much better than before I was caught the last time.

    Sure, we still have arguments, but they don't seem as bad as they did.

    I realised that if I didn't change, then I would lose my family, and that was the motivation I needed. I was not going to fail, that mindset sets you up to fail from the start.

    There are still things that I can do better, but I will try my best to better myself.

    I have covenant eyes which allows a selected person to see the things you are looking at on your phone. I also have hover watch and incognito away. I know they probably could be circumvented, but if I did do that, my wife would see. I appreciate GhostWriters POV on this, but to use his analogy on pacifiers, they are used to settle a baby until they don't require it anymore. We use these apps with the prospect of not needing to use them eventually at some point in the future. In the meantime, it allows my wife (@Tan3110) the ability to get some piece of mind. They aren't perfect, but I believe they help.

    I wish you all the luck and success in your future, and just know that you are certainly not alone in your situation!
     
    Br1 R1 and TryingHard2Change like this.

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