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Just venting

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by IamGold, Jan 20, 2019.

  1. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I'm pretty anxious and sad right now... and lost, I guess.
    Almost constantly I feel physical pain... or more like a pressure on my chest. I can't even remember the time when I didn't feel like this.
    Every morning I wake up being uncomfortable for having seen bad and weird dreams and it takes me a while, but then it always hits me like hammer how unhappy I am in my life.
    I'm not being heard in my marriage.
    My feelings or needs are never as important as whatever he has going on.
    I've been accused of every single thing that's ever been wrong in his life.
    I've been told and shown -in every possible way- that his love for me will never be greater than the love he has for his own ego and pride.

    I've exhausted myself trying to balance between being a great wife but holding my ground... giving love and affection but still demanding respect.
    For so long I have been terrified that one day I'll just be discarded like a bag of thrash.
    ...actually, I've already been discarded... I just realized...

    I've been heartbroken for a long time already but four days ago when he told me that he doesn't love me and that our marriage is over, something else broke inside me.
    Maybe it was the hope that I've been holding on to for all this time.

    He took it back... admitted he used divorce as a weapon to win the argument... apologized...
    So I'm still here. I don't know why or what for.
    The rational part of me is telling me to run as fast as my feet can carry me but the foolish feelings I have for him are making me stay put.
    Oh fuck, I'm such a fool.
    *sigh
     
    anewhope likes this.
  2. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am SO sorry that you are going through this.

    Have you read about narcissists? My wife has brought up this term to me..quite often actually (given the few times she and I talk). I am still wrestling with the idea if I am a narcissist / a monster. I DO know I have lived a very selfish life over our 22 year marriage.

    Confronting the hard reality of how bad of a husband someone has been / how much of a failure someone has been---all the while thinking the marriage was good/decent (which might be part of the narcissist tendencies?)----that is really hard for a PA husband to look at head on and face. I hope and pray that your husband does not run away from those hard realities...and instead confronts his failures, his shortcomings.
     
    Nugget9 and IamGold like this.
  3. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thanks, I honestly don't know if he's a narcissist... I've read about it and he seems to check many of the boxes. I'm a bit concerned about that... On the other hand, he has openly shown his vulnerability in different areas of his life and I've understood that that's something a narcissist would avoid. That is unless he's learned it as a method to control.
    Anyway, I'm not an expert and it's difficult to see things objectively when they are so close. Maybe time will tell if he's a narcissist or if it's something else.
    And I just want to say to you... Even if you are a narcissist, as long as you try to be better, you are not a monster.:)
     
    B3unbroken and Nugget9 like this.
  4. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Well.. Yes and no.
    I have established my boundaries and the one consequence has been me distancing myself when:
    • He creates a problem for himself if I try to show my feelings and then expects me to comfort him.
    • He's wallowing in self-pity, being all meek, pathetic, spineless, and unable to pull himself together.
    • He thinks that the whole world should come to a halt because he has something bothering him.
    • He's not showing his true emotions and I can see that his hiding behind some act...being a sycophant or behaving factitiously
    • He lies or relapses
    • He sees me as someone who has unlimited energy and patience to try and sort out our problems no matter what he throws my way.
    • He says hurtful things
    • He blames me for his problems
    • He's emotionally cold
    I can understand how great the results could be in some cases. Buuutt... In our case, deliberate distance has only created more problems and conflict between us.
    He's an EXTREMELY bitter person and rarely finds anything wrong in what he does. Even though I've explained to him that consequences are not a punishment and they happen because I need them, he completely shuts down because he feels abandoned.
    Because he shuts down like that I know he only lets his anger win and it turns into a grudge that he will hold on to forever... further widening the gap between us, making it even more difficult to fix what's broken.
    He's not stopping to think what his part was because he's so consumed with the "unfairness" of the imaginary abandonment. He becomes the victim and I become the enemy so the distance I initially wanted turns into days, becoming a hurtful game he's in control of.

    I've tried to make him do house chores as consequences... I've even tried to make him reflect situations here on the forum after he breaks my boundaries to no avail. Everything I've tried only makes him collect more and more resentment towards me so I've finally given up.

    I've reached a point where I'm at my wit's end. I feel like there's nothing more I could do, so I've decided to do nothing at all.
     
    Deleted Account and Nugget9 like this.
  5. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your help.
    He left me today.
     
  6. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    Thank you. No, I noticed the truncated part, no worries.
    this is something I have failed to understand... and now when I know I should not have been so judgemental and I should have shown him more encouragement, it might be too little too late.
    You're right. I was talking from a place of hurt and anger but there's more I could have done.
     
  7. Sounds like where my wife ended up.
    I had to actually be willing to do whatever it takes to try and fix it. But I had to see that things were changing for the worse and not coming back.
    First thing that happened that really showed me thstvthings weren’t the same was my wife stopped kissing me.
    She still hasn’t.
    It’s been a few years.
    She is definitely emotionally stronger than me.
    Likely you are stronger as well.
     
  8. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I think that my husband genuinely doesn't want to be with me anymore or even entertain the thought of being willing to do whatever it takes. He says he hasn't loved me for over two years and wants a divorce. I didn't see this coming, but here we are.
    He wanted me to leave our apartment for a few days, so I did. I have no idea what will happen when I return.
    I don't think there's much I could do at this point... I don't think he'll come around anymore. Maybe I should focus on a new start for myself... I don't know.
     
    Nugget9 and Deleted Account like this.
  9. Really sorry.
    I threatened to leave ( didn’t say “divorce”) my wife once in 2014.
    I was just in so much pain because of feeling stuck. I wanted her attention 24/7 because it seemed like I could only be sober when I wasn’t alone. I figured if I was going to fail anyway, I should fail alone. Also we have 2 kids that I felt were suffering because my wife was out with her friend a lot.
    (I didn’t realize her need for support)
    I couldn’t see my own part in it at the time and was just jealous.
    I felt like I was trying to hold the family together and she was letting it fall apart.

    Anyway I’m just saying this to let you know how messed up our thinking is in addiction when we won’t acknowledge our own culpability.

    Hope you can find your support and strengthen yourself because you are right that you can’t control anything he does.
     
  10. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Hi there! I’m so sry you’re feeling this way. As most SO’s I can relate. Intimacy Anorexia is something to possibly read about to see if he fits in there. Also is he doing any recovery work? Seeing a therapist to start?

    As for the boundaries/consequences part. I read a very helpful book on this called “Moving Beyond Betrayal”. So helpful in explaining how to identify you boundaries and needs. Request of him. Agreements. Broken boundaries and consequences. Consequence are actually not supposed to be punishments like house chores, etc (unless he set them for himself). Consequences are supposed to be more natural in nature and for your protection. For example: physical separation. You could ask him to sleep on the couch for a week but he has a “right” to say no. Then what do you do? Well you can choose to still protect yourself and fulfill the consequence by moving to the couch yourself to give you the space that you need to help heal, breathe, and assess the situation.

    No matter what, take care of you! Self care is so important especially when all of chaos can suck the life out of you. Therapy for yourself can be very helpful as well.

    - Xo
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
    IamGold and Deleted Account like this.
  11. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Does your husband have trauma from childhood/adolescent age? If so, were you aware of the full extent of it?
    I knew mine was upset that his father got diagnosed with cancer while my ex was a teen, but that's literally all I knew. According to him, he had the perfect upbringing. It was hard for me to pity his behavior & be "kinder" to him because I didn't (& still don't) have a clue about any traumas he went through, if there even were any. I could only do so much with the information I had. If he wanted to tell me that no trauma happened to him, then I had no other choice but to take every attack on me & the marriage coming from a place of hatred, not trauma.

    I would beat him to the punch; I'm just saying....

    If he is a narcissist, your life is about to become a living hell. You were just discarded & everything you remember being good in your relationship, he's already forgotten about.

    When people with larger than life egos realize they can't control situations to make them appear as the victim anymore, they will drag your ass through hell & not give one crap about it. They only care about winning.

    Most importantly, start soul searching. That & learning to forgive yourself are going to be the only things that save you, even if this divorce talk is a bluff from him. Don't do the woulda, coulda, shoulda game; it gets you nowhere, trust me.

    Just some food for thought.

    I'll be thinking of you & sending what little positive energy I have to you.
    Stay strong; it's not as hard as it sounds. Allow yourself to really feel every emotion you have & embrace them.
     
    IamGold and Deleted Account like this.
  12. IamGold

    IamGold Fapstronaut

    I think there are many things at play here.
    Intimacy anorexia for sure, co-dependency, his childhood traumas, and PA. I don't think that he's a narcissist.
    He's angry because he's been ignoring his own needs while carrying the weight of others (me) on his shoulders. He has lost himself during the years of our marriage and sees intimacy as the reason for his suffering.

    He seems to crave intimacy and love... but at the same time, he's burdened because he's overly attuned with my needs and ignores his own.
    I think he feels that the only way to ease his burden is to be alone because our marriage feels like a jail sentence to him right now. ...and in his mind, I'm the one who has put him through all this misfortune. I don't doubt that he genuinely feels this way. For him, it's the truth and maybe he's taken that as a sign of not being into me anymore.

    When he left me, for a couple of days I felt like I wanted to fight for him and do something to make him realize what's happening (I know, I can't make him do anything). I was desperate, frightened, and simply just refused to let this happen but today when I woke up I noticed that I felt differently; I don't think pushing him now will do any good. The pressure will only make him more anxious and he'll want even more distance from me. So I'll give him his space.
    In the end, if he wants to go I'll let him go.
     
  13. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    You sound very level headed here! That’s good! For some reason when we change our perspective and “let go of trying to control” the situation or outcome, it just all works out and falls into place better. It’s just an easier said then done thing when we can CLEARLY see something they can’t...it’s definitely so frustrating. But they have to see it on their own. My husband sounds similar in many ways. He has grown a lot but still has a lot of growing to do. All you can do is work on you and your recovery and give him the space to do the same. It’ll all work out they it’s supposed too :)
     
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