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Why do I feel different?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by austinyeti, Jan 21, 2019.

  1. austinyeti

    austinyeti Fapstronaut

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    I mentioned this in my original post and got some great perspective but I’m so confused...I’ve been clean since November 3 and the urges to go back to that world aren’t there (although I’m pretty sure they popped up in a dream last night). Instead, I feel crushing anxiety each day and it makes me doubt my marriage and attraction to my wife...the one person I need the most and who has proven to be the epitome of “a keeper”...I’d rather have crushing urges to use p and cybersex than this mess...
     
    Celticwarrior16 likes this.
  2. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Austin. If you havent already, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. It might be that you are experiencing the flatline right now.

    I would highly suggest that you guys try to connect on a more romantic and caring way for the time being, try to do karezza if you are up for it, but forget that you must please either yourself or her right now.

    There is a reason she married you, and since you are doing this for both of you, its a great chance to connect on a deep level.
    I would love to know how you are doing in a few days or weeks
     
  3. austinyeti

    austinyeti Fapstronaut

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    That’s the crazy thing, RL. These 2 months have gone from “we aren’t connected enough”, “I’m a fake and never loved her”, then “her breasts are too small”, and now “her jawline isn’t very strong so she has a tiny bit of double chin” even though she’s in the best shape of her life since we left college where she was an athlete.

    It’s like my mind is so ashamed and scared and hurt it’s creating reasons why I shouldn’t connect on a deeper level with this angelic woman I’m blessed with being my wife.

    I’ve been so intentional lately. Finally asking what I can take off her plate, surprise dates, etc. we did a cooking class last night and we left with the coffee machine she’s been wanting because she deserves to be spoiled and loved on. We came home and she said how much fun she had. How good it felt to see me be me and I told her it was an incredible day and reminder of brighter days ahead. Then I wake up and feel crushing anxiety again.

    It’s tough and some days I feel like a fake. Like I’m doing things because it’s the right thing and not because I really feel those things...but I need to trust that that is my distorted mind trying to convince me my old life is easier and not to commit to a deep connection with a good, loving, supportive, and rationally beautiful woman.
     
    B3unbroken and Celticwarrior16 like this.
  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Have you already read the book "the rational male", by rollo tomassi? I would highly suggest you do if you haven't already.

    And while i know how i would deal with each of those sentences, all of my replies would be based on empathy and my assumption of what she is truly saying, or trying to say. If you have such a great woman at your side, its your responsibility to learn how to communicate properly with her and make your journey through life with her amazing.

    Did yu guys try karezza yet?
     
    B3unbroken and austinyeti like this.
  5. austinyeti

    austinyeti Fapstronaut

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    RL, I just looked Karezza up and it’s almost exactly what we did in college without knowing and that’s probably when we were our most connected (even though I was still in the of PMO addiction).

    We’ll give it a try!!

    She’s been nothing but strong and supportive. I know now more than ever that I can build a true tested testimony with this woman that our grandchildren will one day hope to emulate. I’ll be a proud man that day. My wife is will be an excellent mother to our future children and I know she’s always on my side. It’s up to me to push through this mental rebuild on my part, find as much joy as possible in this hard time, and rebuild our foundation from the ground up.

    I really appreciate the feedback. I’m awful at thinking that although others experience similar feelings (or lack thereof I guess), that because their situation isn’t identical to mine that mine just means there is no hope.
     
    Celticwarrior16 and EyesWideOpen like this.
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    @austinyeti I dont want you to be misled. This is statement is 100% untrue. But it comes from someone that has said many times elsewhere on these forums that he does not believe in the practice, and has not ever tried it for himself.

    I believe what you are going through is a withdrawal from your PM. What you used to use as a coping mechanism from everyday anxiety is now gone. You may not have even realized you had these anxieties because the daily hit of dopamine and physical release of O from it had become so much of your daily life, that it was taking those all away. Now it's gone and your brain is desperately looking to function the way it had for so many years. You have retrain your brain, and yourself, to FEEL what PMO numbed you out to before. My husband went through this, as well. While his brain was healing he had significant urges to cut and didnt know why. He did actually cut a couple of times but resisted for a majority.

    Keep doing what you are doing. Those feelings will eventually subside.
     
  7. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Have you ever practiced Karezza yourself? I have done something very similar to Karezza by accident with the last girl i was with, because i just really like intimacy and doing this was one of the most bonding and beautiful experiences i had in my life.
    Karezza is NOT about intercourse. Its about bonding with your partner with long eye contact, long and deep kisses and overall enjoying being with your partner. Penetration is just optional and Orgasm IS NOT wanted or even desired in Karezza.
    It brings sex between two people back into a way where you are just in the present, without any goals outside of enjoying to be together.
    Karezza is perfect for everyone in a relationship that tries to disconnect from porn. Especially for men who still suffer from any form of PIED, since there is no pressure on intercourse whatsoever. The man just decides for himself when he feels that he is ready to enter her and even when he goes soft again, it doesnt matter, because you can still care for each other in any other possible creative way.
    There is literally zero pressure on the man's mind about wether he can get it up, keep it up or having an orgasm. The perfect way to be with your partner when you are recovering from porn.
    Its perfect for everyone, actually.

    Omg, just thinking back about it makes me smile : )

    It's just beautiful.

    Can you explain what you mean with "cut"?
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It's not just for rebooting. It can (and probably should) be done at any time. We do it when we just want a closer connection, and my husband is often the one to request it.


    As in, slice his skin with a razor blade or sharp knife.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    And I will say this, not for the last time because you will continue spreading false information, that this is 100% untrue.

    Just because you say anyone that differs from you is wrong does not make it so. You are not God and you are not infallible. You are just a PA like everyone else here and not any more special or knowledgeable than any other PA. Just louder and more obnoxious. You are 100% wrong about this.

    You can keep not responding to me directly, but still get around it by replying to someone else and then throwing something else in there regarding something I have said. You are still wrong.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    This where I absolutely have to respectfully disagree. This practice has brought my hubby and much closer in intimacy. Karezza sometimes started out of our 15 seconds kisses every night before bed or naked cuddling for skin to skin contact while watching a movie.
    Karezza is about enjoying each other and being in moment exploring together. It truly helped to curb his flashbacks and Pornified thoughts while being with me, it helped him to learn to be vulnerable with me on a whole new level. It helped to curb his performance anxiety and being worried about PE. It helped both of us to relearn each other and take our time with each other. Just being close to each other in that way. We snuggle more and our sex is much more fulfilling now with learning this in the early days even though we officially practice karezza less now it has carried over into our love making currently. We have slowed down and learned to just be together. We had chose not to go hard mode for personal reasons but we were very mindful of everything we could be so we dialed back sex and went very vanilla and introduced karezza at that time. It is not just for the benefit of SO it helped @NF4L too and we certainly started it very early on for us. There is absolutely nothing wrong about that, it worked quite well for us.
    This is where it is very personal for the Couple and up to them decide and see what works for them as it did us. Karezza may not work for everyone but it was an intimate marriage saver for us.

    What @ReclaimedLife had stated is very spot on and quite mutually felt by both hubby and I in our experience.

    I do agree that while he is so close and has only 12 days finish it out, why not just finish it out. There are many non sexual ways to start building intimacy in the meantime.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
  11. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    BINGO!!!

    @EyesWideOpen has this EXACTLY right. you have pulled off one layer of the onion. without intending to be all freudian-psycho-babblish, there is some pain in your life, almost certainly caused by some wounding in your past. you learned a means of coping with that pain - and that coping did what it was intended to do (relieve the anxiety and pain) but it didn't help you deal with or even become aware of the underlying issues.

    and that is where you are now. the coping mechanism has been partially removed, and now you are feeling some of the pain that was being masked by the coping. and that is good! it is progress! it feels sucky - but it is finally addressing the real issue. PMO is almost never the real issue - finding the real issues and working on them is the real work. but first we have to peel off the PMO layer and truly feel and understand our pain. and that step is hard all by itself. unfortunately it is just the very beginning.

    so see this as progress. embrace the pain and shame and angst you are feeling and dig into it. it is almost a surety that you will need professional help with parts of it. do not shy away from that. also embrace techniques like mindfulness/meditation - this can help a lot to clarify what you are feeling. a written journal practice also helps to funnel thoughts from the brain swirl.

    hope this helps!
     
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  12. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    The problem i have with this statement is that there is no way for me to tell whether you actually had an experience like karezza or even something similar with someone you had a deep connection with or even were in love with.
    Without having had this experience you really shouldn't judge about it so harshly.

    Nofap is NOT about counting the days. Not watching porn is something you just do as a part of your life. Whether you are on day 2 or 200. It takes effort, but the reward if you have sex with your partner is next to immesurable, especially if the guy suffers from any form of PIED or DE, due to lack of emotional and physical sensibility.

    Stop thinking that 12 days will magically make a difference. Its about quitting forever, and still be connected with your SO at the meantime. Karezza technically doesnt even include an orgasm for the woman...

    I think the key for a healthy relationship is to do both.
    The hot raw "pornstyle"-sex, combined with the tender love, romance and bonding that Karezza provides is, in my opinion, the healthiest way for any couple that has a healthy sexual relationship with each other.
     
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Personally, while my husband and I will never do "porn-style" anything, I understand what you mean agree. Practicing different kinds of love making is important to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. Obviously these things wax and wane depending on the season and circumstance, but overall, that is usually the goal.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU CAN DO IT!
     
  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Did you mean to address this to me?
     
    ReclaimedLife likes this.
  16. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Yes, but since this is the internet, you had no clue how much i was smiling when i wrote it. Don't take it seriously please.

    While i personally think that everyone benefits from it, i really believe everyone should always find what makes both partners happy.
    There is no right or wrong when having sex with the partner who is the sexual yin to our yang.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  17. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    on a more serious note (and not on the OP's topic, so if we need to take it elsewhere, that's cool) I have thought a fair amount about this. this is because my wife feels my lack of satisfaction with our sex life is because I am desensitized and now only want porny things. I have to acknowledge that I have been affected by porn, and that I am certainly desensitized. these have to be true. however, I also feel that porn is targeted - that the creators target the content to what guys like/want. it is also true that just because I might want it doesn't by itself make it right. there is also the issue of escalation and that needs to be corrected for.

    but all that to say: a lot of my expactations of sex (which to my thinking were not being given any importance) are what I deliberately sought out in porn, and hence are porny, and hence my wife says are off limits. I feel they are normal desires and should be encouraged not pushed off the table.

    my current way to resolve this conflict is to admit that I brought all this chaos to the relationship, and so sorta disqualified my wants from having value. so I let things be as they are and give up on being able to communicate more.

    thoughts? again -my apologies to the OP for being off-topic
     
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  18. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This would be a great topic for a new thread.
     
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  19. austinyeti

    austinyeti Fapstronaut

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    It helps tremendously. I’ve been working through Conscous Transitions relationship anxiety course which has an identical premise - porn covered up some deep seeded pain for so long I was unwilling to confront. Then I ripped porn away cold turkey and my mind, in an effort to continue protecting me, latched onto my wife and started intensifying any flaw and/perceived flaw it can find. Ones I’d never spent more than a second worried about in our 7 years. No more than anyone doubts any serious relationship in fleeting moments.

    You are right. It’s all a sign that there is a problem deeper inside (I suspect I know it is a problem with perfectionism combined with almost non-existent real self esteem). My choice now is to give into my new addiction (that I’m identifying as relationship anxiety or OCD) and mask the problem further and lose my best friend and someone who loves me unconditionally, OR work on me, build a happy deeply connected marriage, raise a happy family, and share our success and story with others who will inevitably go through this.

    In this moment, that seems really hard. A LOT of work. And my mind is scared of that too so it’s making me think I’m just making all of this up. But these words just come to me when I start typing and that’s from the soul. Buried deep within. Thank you all! Long road ahead, but the destination will be spectacular. Can’t wait to show it to my wife :)
     
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  20. austinyeti

    austinyeti Fapstronaut

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    No need to apologize. This isn’t a site just to support my fears and worries and struggles. If y’all made a new thread, great. But if my post can be a conduit for others to sort through thoughts or struggles or whatever else in a friendly supportive environment, then I’m all for it.
     

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