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Wife Doesn't Know

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Abetterfuture, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    I did a reset yesterday. Initially I wanted to just ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen. It started with watching a movie that I should not have been. I mentioned a movie being triggering a few days ago. I guess I didn't learn my lesson. I ended up browsing for stuff on Youtube. At first I wasn't sure if it was a reset but I went back and read the rebooting instructions and decided that I should reset. I'm going to add some new boundaries for myself. No watching movies on my phone. The reset was a little discouraging but I think overall I've been able to learn from it and can continue to improve.
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Good for you for being honest with yourself. That is the first step to positive changes.

    I'd like to share this video with you. It is on a few different posts around the forum but I think it's important for you to see it here.



    I shared it with my husband. He watched it and was immediately angry. How could this man do this to his girlfriend, someone he claimed to love? How dare he make her feel safe and then take that safety away? I could see the anger flashing in his eyes. He does not like it when men treat their women like that.

    Then I softly said to him, "This is what it feels like every time you go back to PMO. I start to feel safe and the trust begins to build and then you throw me off that cliff again."

    This was a turning point for him. He knew he was hurting me, but it never really clicked until he watched that. It changed something in him. He wanted to do it for himself. He also wanted to do it for me and for us.

    The best thing you can do for her is to put everything you have into recovery and stay sober. And be as supportive for her as she will allow. It's a painstakingly slow journey but you can do it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2019
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    It can be for either really, but the large majority of the time it happens to the SO because of the betrayal trauma she has has already experienced. In my case, the therapist asked me in the first 5 minutes what I felt my contribution was to his addiction, among other suggestions that I was to blame, and then tried to force the idea that I must have picked him because of deeply rooted daddy issues (because I you know, that's how these things work). There were some other things, too, like I was controlling my children's feelings because I didnt tell them what was going on or show them when I was upset. His exact words were, "under the guise of protecting them." Excuse me? If there is one thing I know, it is that my children do not need to know that their father is a PA or that he inadvertently hurt me deeply by it. You don't ask children to deal with adult matters.

    The last thing I need is some yahoo telling me that I am responsible for my husband's addiction, that I picked him because I am damaged (I didnt), and that I am a bad mother. I saw him one more time and it didn't get any better so I didn't go back. I'm not willing to try again, but I'm doing fine now so I'm good.
     
    Numb likes this.
  4. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know how I would of reacted in that situation, but I know I wouldn’t have gone back no matter what. I’m happy you are doing better!

    There are good ones out there but they do seem to take work to find.
     
    EyesWideOpen and Deleted Account like this.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    As I stated in an earlier post, this was a CSAT that stated on his website that he specifically worked with partners with betrayal trauma. I found out differently once I saw him.
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    No worries I get it, something I told my hubby in the very beginning of our affair recovery was I will not apologize for how I feel but I will apologize for how I handle it if I have handled my emotions in a bad way. There certainly were times where I did early in all of the mess.

    If I was in her shoes in the first 5 minutes, I would have not returned myself. There are good ones out there but anyone seeing a therapist should find the right one. There are bad ones in any field, I have experienced them myself out there but there are good ones too and I have found them as well it just seems to take effort to find them, research references and referrals go along way when it comes to emotional and mental health.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  7. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    If I was in her situation with that therapist, I would feel the same way as EWO. I would not have returned to the therapist either.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  8. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    I reset my counter again. It was YouTube stuff again. I'm going to set new boundaries for myself. When I was doing P, I would use a different browser app on my phone. I'm now using that browser app to get on NoFap, but I have also been using it to get on YouTube. New boundaries are only using the other browser for NoFap and nothing else. I also need to do more to actively work at recovery. One way I've let my addiction go so long is just ignoring it. Recovery is this most important thing I can be doing in my life and I need to make it a priority.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  9. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    This last time was probably only 4 or 5 days until I started dabbling. I think a big problem I had this time was not actively working on recovery. I was allowing myself to be idle. I was not getting on NoFap at all. In general weekends seem tougher because I get out of my daily routine. This last weekend was a 4 day weekend for me. I need to keep that in mind and be more vigilant on weekends.
     
  10. You said that your wife doesn’t know? I find that difficult to believe. Considering you have talked to her in the past about your addiction. She probably knows and I would bet that some of her depression comes from the fact that not only was she facing fertility problems, but her husband chooses porn over her. This is not a reply to make you feel guilty, I just believe that she knows more than you think.
    Like some of the other ladies mentioned, I knew he had a problem. I wish he came to me about it insted. It would have shown me that he loved me, wanted us to work and I would have had a lot more respect for him if he told me about it.
    She probably has her reasons for not wanting to go to therapy. I can only reply why I wouldn’t want to go to therapy, every woman is different.
    1) I already deal with huge amounts of shame that a man who claims to love me wanted nothing to do with me sexually because he would rather watch porn- going to a therapist over this would be humiliating for me.
    2) I understand this is an addiction but unlike alcohol or drugs this addiction destroyed my self esteem. Shouldn’t we be in therapy trying to help me through this betrayal? Instead you want me to hold your hand because giving up your porn mistress is so difficult and you’re having a hard time knowing you are stuck with ugly old me.
    3) the last reason I do not want to go to therapy is because I don’t want to be seen as an enabler or “the bad guy”

    Every woman is different but those are the main reasons I wouldn’t join him in therapy.
     
    Butterfly1988, EyesWideOpen and Numb like this.
  11. Abetterfuture

    Abetterfuture Fapstronaut

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    Did another reset. This time it was images on social media. I'm setting another boundary for myself. No NSFW on social media.

    I can tell what kind of feelings start me down the path. Feelings of stress and anxiety. I also feel like I need to get more sleep at night. If I can start the day off by reading, meditating etc the day goes much better. When I wake up exausted all I want to do is shut my brain off and browse social media or play games on my phone.
     

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