I hope this is my turning point towards success

Hey, so I felt like I had to make this post to hold myself accountable and hopefully everyone else here can too. So I’ve been addicted to PMO since I was 12 years old and started looking at pics of girls on google images, it of course evolved into videos and more explicit content. I already had low confidence and self esteem when it came to girls and dating, so I got deeper into PMO as a result because I felt like there was no way a girl would ever say yes to me. I finally had sex for the first time at 21, that was also the first time I’ve been on a date or kissed anyone and I haven’t been out with anyone since then because I discovered that I had PIED that night, it wasn’t until then I truly discovered how much PMO has damaged me, but I still didn’t stop, especially because I was and still am afraid of it happening again with another girl. It was after this that I discovered cuck porn and began to watch it more and more. I’m a white guy and I’ve been becoming increasingly aroused by girls having sex with a BBC (and if you know porn lingo, you know what that means).

I started to believe that this is the type of relationship that would work for me due to my PIED issues. And as if that didn’t start to alarm me enough, I just started to have fantasies that included thoughts of it going further by her having me stroke or suck him hard for her. This has really been freaking me out, I’m not gay or bisexual and have never had thoughts about being with other guys, so I don’t think I would actually do that. But it allowed me to see how PMO can warp and distort your sexual interests and the types of relationships you’ll seek. When I’ve had clean streaks away from PMO, I have far less interest in this cuck thing and I feel like it can go away permanently if I get clean, along with my PIED too. I think this realization could be my rock bottom and hopefully everyone here can hold me accountable and I’ll update my progress!

 

Thanks dude, I gotta be honest and say that was very hard for me to type and post, but I felt so much better after getting it out there and admit my struggles openly. Like I said in that post, I’m gonna keep updating my recovery progress on here. I hope that everyone here can help hold me accountable and give me encouragement to keep going no matter how hard it gets. Got another update that I’m posting below. Best of luck with your recovery too!

 

Update

So as I said in my original post, the most concerning part to me has been my porn-induced cuck fantasies that includes the girl making me get her bull hard for her. When I just took a shower, I used my imagination and created 2 separate scenarios where I was dating a cute girl that I used to work with. In the first one, me and her checked into a hotel for the night and had sex just the two of us. In the second one, she invited a black bull up to the room with us and then convinced me to help her stimulate him by both of us stroking and sucking him hard together, and then her getting on top and getting fucked hard by him. Needless to say the reason why I’m writing this is because the second scenario turned me on more and was the one I got off to. I actually felt nauseous after that and even dry heaved a few times from it.

I guess you can say that its a given that the 2nd one would be more exciting in that moment because the first one is just pretty vanilla and basic and the second one is more hardcore and taboo, and we all know that PMO addicts need more and more of that kind of content in order to achieve the same level of excitement that we used to be able to get from basic vanilla porn/scenarios. If this doesn’t highlight how damaging PMO can be, I don’t know what else would.