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Need Advice for my SO - No PMO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Pittsburgh Steelers Fiance, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. He is currently on day 4 of no masturbation and no orgasms. Originally he had just stopped watching porn but we (I) wasn't seeing any real improvements aside from some empathy. I suggested he stop masturbating and that it would help his brain rewire. Initially I was met with resistance, but he agreed.

    His mood has been pretty unstable (mood swings) and he has been EXTREMELY horny. I figured this is just his brain trying to get him to watch porn again? Yesterday I noticed and pointed out to him that he had stared at some woman at a bus stop. He had ogled and not even realize it. He's getting more testy and agitated. Did anyone else go through this when they stopped masturbating? What is the "typical" timeline for rebooting from masturbation?

    His post is here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/no-oms.210314/
     
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    My hubby went through this too and it shall pass if he’s doing the rebooting correctly. My hubby and I had daily check ins during this time at the end of the day. We had some hard but good talks on both our ends.

    I think this phase is the P brain going into high gear looking for the fix. My hubby was able to recognize that he would get upset and angry with anybody, at work, home, driving. I think it can be part of the withdrawals so to speak. He was aware and we talked about it. I don’t remember how long it lasted though but it was fallowed up by the flatline.

    I’m sure @NF4L could give a better first hand account of it.
     
  3. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    The typical time, or rather, the minimum time it takes to reboot is 90 days. However, for some people it takes even longer.
    As for the mood swings, I assume that in the past, your SO PMOed, at least part of the time, for reasons similar to other PAs - whenever we had negative emotions - feeling sad, angry, depressed, anxious, etc - we would turn to a very temporary and not at all helpful "solution" - PMOing. Now that he's starting to get clean, your SO's negative emotions are finally flooding back. This means he on the right path. But he needs to learn to deal with his mood swings correctly. PMOing, if course, won't help. I find that taking walks without listening to anything helps me. I walk for 20-40 minutes and just let all of my thoughts sink in.
    He can also try talking to a close friend, or to you, or to another relative. That's also very helpful. If the mood swings escalate, you may wish to consider seeking professional help.
     
  4. Yes, that's what he did part of the time. He's becoming more aware of what motivated this behavior to begin with and I think it's making it a bit more bearable on his part. I'll suggest walks to him. I'm sure doing something productive helps. He's started talking to me, but I don't think he feels he can be completely open yet because he's nervous I'll judge him. He's starting therapy soon so he'll be able to have a trusted person he knows he can talk to.
     
    Hros likes this.
  5. That's what I figured! What is a flatline?
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    • Flatlining: Many NoFap® users report one or more periods of zero libido during their streak, especially in the 2-6 week period. Transitioning from an overexcited, always-eager libido to none at all can be disconcerting and even scary for the experienced masturbator, but many Fapstronauts report that it is only a phase in the reboot and will pass.
    https://www.nofap.com/glossary/

    My hubby called it “a dead stick”.
    I hope this helps!
     
  7. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, I don’t really recall my first week of sobriety. My wife informs me that I was pretty testy, which is probably true. I know I was certainly a jerk and asshole as an addict, so I’m fairly certain that didn’t change with a few days of sobriety under my belt. I was probably closer to a petulant child with out his favorite toy to play with. I know I was also struggling with understanding my addiction, and how I let it rule me. I also was trying to deal with the shame and guilt of being found out, and owning my actions I did as an addict (well sad half assed attempts at it). I think all those things would contribute to big mood swings. Proud I made it another day, but then drawn back into the self absorbed way of addiction, while trying to ignore or minimize its affects that it had on myself and those around me. Then after all that emotional turmoil, those emotions just shutdown through the flatline phase. Sure my dick felt like a useless piece of flesh, almost just like it was in the way, and kind of like I was neutered. Overall though I was very apathetic. I didn’t have an opinion about anything, couldn’t engage in any meaningful conversation, and didn’t really care about anything. I don’t need to tell you how much this frustrated my wife. Luckily for me it was over before she had enough of the shell of a person I was and left. She certainly tried hard to engage me, to talk with me, and I think even fight with me, but I was like “well... I don’t know.” And would just shrug and disengage further.
    So no matter how frustrating it gets for you, know that it is a sign that his mind and body is healing, and he is recovering, and he has actually refrained from PMO. Hopefully that can provide some comfort and fortitude that the flatline phase will pass. It just takes a matter of time.
     
  8. It does! Thank you!
     
  9. He has been doing this more frequently since he stopped M'ing and O'ing. He even made the comment today that he was thinking about jacking off and resetting the day counter and laughed. I was completely blown away by how flippant he acted!

    It is relieving to know that he is actually abstaining, but I know this is just the beginning.

    That's true. I'm actually looking forward to that flatline just so I can know he's truly making progress. He says each day is a battle and I can tell. Right now he's still in the selfish mindset of trying to convince me to "allow" him to M and O. He's still trying to place the blame on me so when I say "no, you shouldn't do that" he can pout and act as though it's my fault instead of something that he's doing in order to heal. It's quite frustrating.
     
  10. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    This actually sounds like a bad sign. He needs to ensure this is his decision, not yours. As much as the addiction is about being selfish, the recovery has to be “selfish” as well. He can’t be doing this for you, the kids, or what other people think. He has to be doing this for himself above all. A recovery done out of spite, or to prove something to you, doesn’t make it about him, and leads to resentments that he can use as justifications to act out or relapse. He is still early in the process and progress, so it doesn’t surprise me. Those 90 days referred to for a successful reboot, are more about creating distance between the addictive behavior, and what life is like without the addiction, and I feel are more designed to bring clarity to the addict more than anything. It gives them an opportunity to see how unmanageable their lives have become with the addiction and continue on a path of recovery and sobriety.
     
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Agree 100%. Do not commit to a legal arrangement (marriage) with an addict. I did not know the extent of my husband's problem when I married him and have regretted it many times. Regret over this decision and anger over having done it under false pretenses (I had no idea about the nature or extent of his sickness because he hid it so well) eats me alive some days. If I could go back, I might not have left him, but I certainly would not have locked myself into marriage. Ghostwriter is right. Listen to him.
     
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I just want to mention that not everyone experiences a flatline during recovery. Dont hang your hat on the fact that if there's no flatline he's not sober. Everyone's body reacts differently so you'll need to keep him communicating with you and watch his actions as well. If his words dont match his actions, that is a big indicator that he may have slipped.
     
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Flatline does indeed range for everyone. If it does happen it is a sign of rebooting, so if it does happen this is when understanding, empathy and patience on our side being SO’s is helpful.
     
  14. Thank you for the advice! I had recently made a post asking the SO if they would've married their husbands if they had knowledge prior to them being married. We've been engaged for a couple years so our wedding has been pushed off and isn't on the table until he's established in recovery.
     
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  15. I'm going to have him take a look at this thread so he can see what the purpose is. I'll also talk to him about why he's in recovery, if it's for him or for me.
     
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  16. We're starting a therapy program created by CSAT and I am excited (if that's the word?) to see what they will say and how they will help the both of us.
     
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  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Day 4 of no MO. She stated he stopped watching porn before that. It says that in her signature, as well.
     
  18. I never experienced flatline. It’s been 4 years since last M.
     
  19. He's on day 6 for no M and O. He's on day 52 of no P.
     
  20. Thank you for clarifying for me!!
     
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