Please give an advice

Hello there,

I really wish to discuss this stupid state of mind of my own but I am not sure if it is worth it and if it is even the best place to share it.

So I should introduce myself - two years ago short time after my maturita leaving examination I made a decision to enter university in topic similar to MIT but in Europe here in Czechia. I was so damn happy, motivated and also ready to go like the state fully rebooted person. I was so damn happy (and also discovered nofap two years later which is now so I was fapping all the time) .... well after a few month I realised that even 25 hours a week of addition study of math is not enought. It wasnt the only problem, other topics were also screwed up by me.

After that burnout I felt for the first time how it is like to fall into a darkness of helpless. One month later I felt better and discovered easier university so I signed up and was waiting 8 months till semester will begin.

Meanwhile my father offered me a job in his small company, something about alarms. But here I burned myself a second time. Dad is maybe making some money but what I will never understand is that he is actualy behaving like general in army. Even when we are at home he somethimes order me to do something and he gets angry if I dont give a fuck. Dont look at me like meanful idiot. It will hit anybody in my situation and forces him to behave like this.

After leaving this job and finding another one I finally got extremely happy in the end. It was like my full life anxiety disapeared and I felt happy like before I fapped even for first time in my life when I was 10 years old. (I worked as emergency operator in alarm center. Not job of my dreams but coworkers were so sweet even when I was doing dumb mistakes alot of time.)

My semester begins, I finally got hyped again, still fapping some times. Every topic is everything what I was waiting for to learn .... including math.
Funny fact is, that in that time I was far ahead (already knew basics of limitations derivations and integrations). But our teacher, well I cant understand him till today why is he so arogant all the time. He always wants to hear exact words and articulations, and phrases hehe it took me almost a month of intense studying to learn these phrases till I realised that he will never apreciate anyone hard work and always will make idiot out from him. Alot of students left. Question is why no one fired him I guess it is hard to find math teachers today.

As you can guess Iam burned again guessing that my previous experience also helped me to get demotivated quickly.

Nofap is my last hope I am looking for and even when I relapsed a few times but now I hold my first week even when I am feeling these urges more intense. It is like this time I am the one who wants to fap. Not just my feelings. But I still hold on.

I guess that edging two times in that week was a bad idea but still better than full replapse

I resisted one year with that teacher because I somehow kicked my ass and in absolute disgust was getting shit done. But right now final semestral test are coming and I feel like absolute bottom also under big pressure. Heh and now I feel disregard to myself to share it with you.

Oh and I will not forget that year and half back I started taking antidepresants serotonin reuptake and also some mood stabilizators. My doctor strongly recomended me to visit therapist but I..I just cant even after 18 months get my ass to him. I am starting to feel insane with that passive behavior of mine. I started to take L tyrosin, omega suplements, all B vitamins, vitamin D, blood investigation but I never got it.

I am just too much passive. Slowly loosing my fucking mind even when I tried to anyhow rise my dopamine levels but nothing really worked.
I fucking down know what should I do.

If you have some advice, thank you. As everyone here on nofap know it it is hard to do anything even when your logic mind want to but your moody heart dont want.

Reagards to everyone

 

Thanks you, I am just paranoid I guess. I forgot to mention that Iam not working any more. Since studying started.