Dealing With My Religious Family

My family has been annoying me lately with all their religious talk. I am 35, I was raised as a Christian, and my parents, especially my mother, continue to be especially religious. I have not been religious for a long time, and this year I've been determined to explicitly reject my Christian upbringing. More recently, my brother and sister have also become more religious. I have an uncle who wrote a book about his spiritual journey on becoming a Christian, and he called me one day to tell me about it. More recently, my mother finally learned how to do text messages, so that now my whole family communicates on group messages. Well lately these group messages, that include me, include all kinds of references to praying and church. I don't take part in it. It is really annoying. They have all been talking about plans to go to church on Christmas. I jokingly replied I was going to a Church of Satan for Christmas. My mother then directly asked me if they should save a seat at church for me, and I replied "no thanks". I cannot stand this kind of evangelical "reaching out", "spreading the message", pressure tactics kind of thing. I am just done with it. I'm happy that I finally feel like I'm old enough to be able to reject this kind of thing.

 

Your family members are simply being themselves, and you have no basis to be annoyed with them for that. They arent being pushy by including you in their lives and asking if you want to join them for church on Christmas. I would assume you would like them to respect your beliefs, so you should show them the same courtesy.

 

I understand how it might look that way from the outside, but that is not what they are doing. They have found something that gives them joy, and given that you are someone they love and care for, they want you to have that joy as well. It's your choice whether or not to accept it, but you shouldnt be annoyed by the people you love trying to share something with you that is special to them.

This reminds me of people who get annoyed when people say they will pray for them in the midst of a tragedy because they arent religious. But I dont understand that reaction at all. I'm a devout Christian, and if my Muslim friend were to say to me that he is praying to Allah that I find peace in the midst of s tragedy, or, a more recent example that has actually happened to me recently after the death of a friend, my atheist aunt were to say to me that she is "sending me good vibes" or something, I see that as nothing but love. It doesnt matter that I dont agree with their views, what matters is that they love me and are trying to show that in the best way they know how, and that is a beautiful and kind thing. Its nothing to be mad or annoyed about.

 

No basis to be annoyed? Fine then I'll just shut the fuck up

After enduring 35 years of having the same religious ideology shoved down my throat, without me ever saying anything about it, now I'm finally ready to say something about it. They're going to be hearing a lot more from me on this issue. Guess we'll see how respecting they'll be

 

I didnt say you have to shut up. I just said I don't think you should be annoyed by your family simply being the people they are and believing what they believe.

Exactly, so you would expect/hope for them to be respectful of your beliefs, so why can't you respect theirs? I'm not sure what you mean by them "shoving" their beliefs down your throat, but talking about God in front of you and inviting you to church is not "shoving" anything down your throat. If religion is a big part of their life, they're going to talk about it, and if you're a part of their life, then you're probably going to be around during some of those times when they are talking about religion.

If they are actually shoving stuff down your throat, then maybe I can see being frustrated, but the examples you gave of the texting and inviting you to church on Christmas does not sound like bible-thumping to me. It just sounds like people existing and having beliefs you disagree with and trying to include you in their lives.

 

I remember when my grandpa died many years ago. I remember my dad crying because he thought that my grandpa was in hell because he wasn't a believer. These are the kinds of things my family believes. For me to not believe, means that I'm going to hell, in their eyes. Nevermind that there is no such thing as an eternal hell. So, would such a belief on their part, be equivalent to them respecting me? No, of course not. They can believe whatever they want to believe, they can be sad for me all they want. I'm not going to be able to change what they believe or who they are. But at least I don't have to give in to it, I don't have to assent to it. And I can damn well set up whatever boundaries I want to against it

 

Yeah there's really nothing I can do about it, my family is never going to change, never going to be the family that I wish I would have had. Best thing to do is to accept that, but also look for a "surrogate" family where I feel more comfortable/accepted

 

Yep, it’s the same story for a large portion of my family. Lucky for me though there are also a lot of atheists in my family. You can’t reason with a person who believes you are destined for “hell”.

 

Sorry to hear that. It's no fun being the black sheep in the family. Makes it difficult to attend family gatherings.

 

Yeah I can't think of a single atheist (or non-Christian for that matter) in my entire extended family. Or at least I'm not aware of them

Yeah that's always what it's felt like

Yes I think that's a good approach. I also think joking about it, or poking fun, is a good approach too, to lighten the mood

Thanks. No it's not fun being the black sheep, and it feels like that's what I'm becoming more and more

Thanks everyone!

I also don't want to make it sound like I'm attacking all Christians, because I'm not. I think it's fine if people "get" something out of it, if it helps them. I'm just venting about my own personal experience with my family

 

Haha, oh God no! I don't know if you just saw I posted on an old thread about The Rational Male, and my changing perspective on it. Some things I like about it, some things I disagree on. But I have thought at one point about sharing it with my dad and brother. But not something I'd share with my mom!

Or I could just text them Nietzsche quotes too. My brother recently told me he tried to read one of his books, "but couldn't understand what he was saying", I thought that was funny

 

Believing that you are going to hell is not a judgement or disrespect towards you. It's just a sad reality. And yes, obviously you're allowed to have whatever boundaries you desire to have. I never said you weren't. I'm just saying that your family does not sound like terrible bible-thumpers to me, they just sound like a loving family who wants to include you in their lives, and their lives happen to involve religion.

 

I know I'm new here SuperFurryThing, so you don't have to reply like you have done with longer term friends you have here, but this also could be an opportunity for your family members to see what their faith is made of...grace, patience, and love; or riding you, harassing you or haranguing you, which never makes a person "jealous" or wanting to be a Christian. IMO if they are true believers they will let you make your choice, and just keep you in their prayers of concern for you, and to love you and be there for you. They know you know the faith, so that's off, should be, off the table as far as preaching to you. FWIW

 

See, but that's not really true. I know from a Christiam perspective of having friends and family who were not believers, I have NEVER felt disappointed in them! I've never felt that they are bad people or looked down upon them or felt like they are disappointing me. I just simply love them and want them to have eternal life with God. That's it. Theres absolutely nothing unkind or disrespectful about wanting the ones you love to be safe and joyful and have peace. That's all kindness.

I realize not all Christians are like me, though. Some probably do have that sort of condescending attitude. But I think it would be worthwhile, especially if you have family that you have to spend time with, to assess whether that condescension is actually there, or if it's all in your head.

I wish I could explain all of this better, and i genuinely hope you understand someday that your family probably doesnt think badly of you, and they arent annoyed or disappointed by you. They just want what's best for you.

I do understand though, and agree, that it *feels* that way, with the negative thoughts and disappointment and judgment. And I sympathize with that feeling, for sure. Elevate mentioned veganism, and my entire family was vegan for a while, so I know a bit of that feeling. However, I also know that my family loves me and they were never judging me for eating meat. Did they probably think I would be healthier if I didnt eat meat? Sure. But that doesnt mean they were looking down on me with judgement and condescension. Whenever I felt judged, it was always in my own head, as a result of my own discomfort with being different, not anything they were doing TO me. And I also didnt expect them to not talk about veganism in front of me just because it made me uncomfortable, because they were all vegans except for me and my husband, so it makes sense that they would want to talk about something that's big in their life. Whether or not I felt uncomfortable was up to me. I could have stewed feeling guilty or wondering if they were judging me or trying to convert me by talking in front of me, or I could just be polite and let them talk and remind myself that my family loves me and they arent judging me, that's all in my head. (Of course it's not always in your head... some families are judgemental. But it's important to know whether or not your family is, or if it's just your own feeling and perception.)

I understand it can be hard and I sympathize with those feelings, but it's really important to assess whether or not those feelings are actually warranted or if they arent based in reality. Maybe you should sit down and have an open conversation with your family about how you feel, and they can tell you whether or not they actually think the things you think they do, whether or not they're actually looking down on you or disappointed by you. Because i would be willing to guess that they dont. I'm not trying to be a jerk saying you're wrong, I'm just trying to show you kindness by saying that you could probably be free form a lot of your negative feelings regarding your family if you tried to understand their perspective more. This is for you, not for them. Or you can continue to feel uncomfortable and assume the thoughts and feelings toward you are negative. It's up to you, but I would choose the former.

 

Honestly, this is very true.

A lot of people probably arent open to even considering this, but put yourself in their minds for a minute. Even if you think they're batshit crazy and religion is all false, THEY believe that it's true. So if they genuinely believe that the only way to not spend eternity in pain and suffering is to know Jesus as your Savior, they would actually be pretty terrible parents if they DIDNT try to tell you about that. Right? If they knew in their heart that the path you are on will lead to eternal suffering and they just ignored it because they didnt want to make you uncomfortable, that would be (in their minds) like letting your kids do drugs or get addicted to porn because they didnt want to sit you down and have a conversation about drugs and addiction that might make you feel uncomfortable for a bit, even though it would lead you into a lifetime of suffering. That would be terrible parenting.

If you look at it from their perspective, this is pure love for them, to try to guide you to a path that will end in joy rather than suffering. That is a parent'a primary job in this world.

I understand it can be annoying, and maybe you will just have to kind of laugh it off and ignore it, as Jackb97 said. But I think whatever situation you are dealing with in life, its important to try to put yourself in the other person's mind and understand where they are coming from. Your family is trying to love you in the best way they know how. It might be a super annoying way that gets on your nerves sometimes, but it's still love on their part, not judgement or hatred.