Relationship in turmoil

Excellent advice.

If my wife had never orgasmed with me, or it was a mighty struggle that we only rarely achieved together, that would weigh heavily on my mind and I would be feeling inadequate. If she told me that she had, secretly, for many years, been using a high-power vibrator and reading erotic literature (more popular with women than visual pornography) to M alone and to O, and that the lack of control in partnered sex, along with the relatively gentle, feeble stimulation of my hands or genitals, compared to what she was used to, was the reason for her being unable to orgasm with me, then....

I would be thinking two things:
1- I can't believe she kept this from me, why all the lies? (because lies of ommission are lies) and so on. Processing the hurt and betrayal.

2- Well that makes sense. If she is conditioning herself to such intense physical sensation, and also to be in precise control of the situation in order to reach O, then MAYBE IT ISN'T MY FAULT THAT I CAN'T MAKE HER O. Maybe I'm not inadequate. Maybe I am worthy of her love, and maybe she does find me desirable.

Oh and 3: Maybe now, moving forward, our sex life can improve because we both know what is causing the problem and how to go about reaching a solution together.

I might be too hurt to want to stay, or I might be incredibly relieved and optimistic for our future together, full of increased honesty, fulfilment and pleasure.

 

Telling her is part of getting a grip on your life and working on your relationship. Most SOs are more hurt by the lies and dishonesty than they are by the act of Ming to P. The longer a lie is sustained, or the more times it is repeated, the worse it is. Your habit wants you to keep it a secret so that it can preserve itself. If nobody knows, then you are accountabke to only yourself. And you are the one who gives in and uses P. P can trust you to come back, unless you take the required actions to remove it from your life. Honesty is porn's biggest enemy. Its kryptonite. Its banisher. Make honesty your ally.

And I would argue that whatever the status of P is with the men in your culture, pretty much all women are offended and feel betrayed if their partner uses P. The honesty is still worth it.

 

Thanks man. Definitely going to consider that. Been thinking about this very same thing since yesterday. Cause everytime I've tried fighting this battle alone ,I failed.

 

as other SOs have told you, she will blame herself and there really isn’t anything that you can say that will change her mind. As a woman she has been taught that her worth is her looks. A little secret about women... we crave to be lusted after by our man. We want to be the reason our man is hard. When he can’t get hard for us but has no trouble from porn this hurts us to our core. It’s a pain that I would never want my man to have to feel.
Trying to justify reasons will not help her believe that she’s enough. Only when you quit PMO and become 100% present with her during sex will she start to believe that you’re attracted to her.

 

"She may help make recovery
Your rebirth"
What a lovely sentiment, Trappist. Was this the case in your relationship? If so, would you feel comfortable sharing a few words about it? This SO could use a little hope and inspiration...

 

As a PA, I have to disagree with some of the girls on here but then again they may discredit my argument because I’m not a man.

I totally get you and I know what it’s like to have pied. I believe you when you say that you are attracted to your girlfriend because I think my boyfriend is incredibly sexy but it’s hard to be aroused with him during sex because of how I conditioned myself. A penis feels different from self-stimulation.

Also, I was addicted to P and I had some fetishes but none of that was due to how my boyfriend looked. I just got used to masturbating.

Masturbating to porn is a private act. All the things we do while we’re getting off are personal. Therefore having sex seems like an awkward performance. It’s just hard to let go and be horny while someone is watching. Having an orgasm during partner sex takes forever and it requires lots of concentration.

 

Crap, that does sound too good.

It’s a promise, a goal.
But it feels true.

Had I gone out with an escort, an affair, a cam girl...then all would end.
She said.

PMO was part of my life, all my 60+ years of life.
Doesn’t everyone?
Apparently not. (?)

I stepped out of an active disease and can feel hope now. More acceptance of things, or at least a fuller appreciation of my part in things with a hard but doable path to do real repair.

My SO appreciated that I had a 12 step background in Alanon before we met.

My relationship wasnt at issue when I realized how P use affected me.
By coming clean with with her and doing everything I could, things have improved.

honesty helped.

For example, between us, I’m more present and am learning how to be with her intimately. Being present making love WITH her not TO as much.

That is the simple rebirth. My appreciation of her and her support of me doing that. A helpful spiral.

My actions to my SO have a living amends attitude, too. I refused sex too many times. Why, when it was good, I’d ask myself even then.

I feel all my emotions so much more. Am learning to deal with them, albeit haltingly.

Without kids things are less stressful than others. That is our loss, too.

SO and I see things similarly. We grew up initially with rules then later, our families broke up and we lived without a lot of rules.

We both like calm stability
and try to maintain that.

Don’t know the %s, but some see the light and change and some the fire from their SO when caught. Many marriages end and are in trouble.
I was pointed to a sponsor who is still married, recovering and dealing with it in a hopeful manner.

Look to the winners and
do what they do.

SAAs motto is from “Shame to Grace”.
Not feeling deepening shame as I go deeper into P, but feeling shame as a by product of examing my life with the support of the program and finding grace.

I am getting closer to my wife as I put the program to work in my life.

Sobriety started here at NoFap.
I added SAA three times a week.
“Half measures, get you nothing”, so I’m doing everything the program puts in front of me to do.

SAA is keeping me from white knuckling. Giving me a real method to not simply be an addict without a means of soothing my bad addicty self.

Someone commented when looking over a meeting, ‘what a miserable bunch.’ But damn it, we are sober or trying to be better. Don’t want to swan dive into deeper layers of Dante’s P and SA.

We now have hope. Sharing is best when program is focused. Those that fall, bolster our resolve to not cause everything in our life so much further pain.

@TheMightyQuinn might also kick in if he is onboard sometime, too. He always speaks so well. You could look at some of his postings?

SO And I like stuff like this:


That we get here. Makes sense to us.

Words mislead on one hand,
but that is this format.

If this is mis representative, hopefully she will join here and give her version. I invite her here all the time.

More to come, I’m sure...

@Susannah, let me know what you think?

 

You're killing her self esteem, my bf resorted to MOing every day for the past ten days instead of being with me. At this point I feel like I'm 2nd choice or he'd only want to be with me because he felt he had to. Especially because my drive is so high, he knows he's neglecting my needs. He's pushed me away so far I'm losing interest in him completely. May be a little of what your gf is experiencing.