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Cheating

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Born2Win, Dec 18, 2018.

  1. Born2Win

    Born2Win Fapstronaut

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    First of I don't expect to receive any pity for the embarassing act I committed today. I've been addicted to porn since I was 15. I am now 23 soon to be 24. I've been fighting and fighting and I have yet to overcome it. I started working with a women recently and right away the conversations and topics were going downhill right away. Yesterday idk what got into me but I gave her a pat on the butt. She just laughed and said she didn't mind. Now today I kissed her. I told her this needed to stop and I can't do this because I am married and I know I've already committed a huge error. Now I dont know what to do. I've already saddened my wife with my porn confession and I dont think I can confess this. Not now. We have a 11 month old baby and I love them both with all of my heart but I need help. I cant control my flirtatious behavior. Please anyone , I'd just like some advice.
     
    Romans 6 23 likes this.
  2. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Dude, I'm sorry - you're going to have to tell her. Maybe not right now, but you're going to have to eventually. It may be the only way to keep you from going any further.

    Also, you need to get away from this coworker. What did she say when you told her it needs to stop? I don't know your situation, but personally I would rather lose my job than lose my family - so if there is no other way to avoid this coworker, I would quit if I were in your shoes.

    And you need to dive headfirst into recovery. No more dinking around, you need to get into a 12 step program and start getting serious about this business.

    As for controlling your flirtatious behavior - of course you can control it. It's not a mater of ability, it's motivation. Are you going to be selfish and keep acting out like this, or are you going to be the kind of husband your wife deserves, and the kind of dad your kids deserve?
     
  3. Born2Win

    Born2Win Fapstronaut

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    She just laughed it off and later she told me she liked me through text messages. It literally could've got to the point where we had sex. But I feel 100% horrible and regretful. I've told the girl this and now she's contemplating what department to move to. I'm Christian and I've been a horrible example and I told her. She doesn't see things through my eyes in terms of religion but she now feels guilty too. I told her things will now be work related and I hope God can forgive me.
     
    Nugget9 and Romans 6 23 like this.
  4. Romans 6 23

    Romans 6 23 Fapstronaut

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    I'm gonna write more after work. check out "anatomy of an affair" by Dave Carder. he was also on focus on the family this year.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2018
    Ra's Al Ghul and Born2Win like this.
  5. Born2Win

    Born2Win Fapstronaut

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    [QUOTE="Romans 6 23, thank you, I feel really low right now. The girl asked how bad I regretted it and I told her if I could restart today I would.
     
  6. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

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    I agree. And you should distance yourself as much as possible from that other woman. Change departments yourself, if you must. It's more important to protect your family than worrying over her feelings.
     
  7. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    You'll have to eventually tell your wife imo.

    And definitely confess to a priest. And see a psychologist about it.

    You messed this one up but at least you stopped it and it didn't go further.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  8. Born2Win

    Born2Win Fapstronaut

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    The Black Dog,

    I 100% agree with you. I know we all say "if you knew doing something would hurt someone in the process why would you do it" but I think we all make mistakes. Willing or unwilling we are all prone to making errors that can hurt other people, especially when things haven't been going so smooth at home. I don't want to lay this on her now but sometime I will. This really just game me a wakeup call to get serious about wanting to get help.
     
    Hros and The Black Dog like this.
  9. Born2Win

    Born2Win Fapstronaut

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    [QUOTE="The Black Dog, and that's what I'm afraid of. It's like as soon as I messed up all the memories of happiness with my wife and son just smacked me in the face like is losing all of them worth it over a couple moment of pleasure? Hell no.
     
    Broken Beauty and The Black Dog like this.
  10. Romans 6 23

    Romans 6 23 Fapstronaut

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    @Born2Win sounds like you already have a lot of regret. Its a good thing this didn't keep going. I forget the statistic but lets just say if men are going to have an affair its most likely gonna happen when their wife is pregnany or within a year of giving birth.

    I also contributed to that statistic. my affair was much more emotionally involved. it started with an old friend over facebook. we never saw each other (2 states and 950 miles apart) but I called her everynight and we exchanged nude pics and had phone sex.I cant take it back or undo it, but I know what it feels like to be so close to losing my family.

    I agree with what was said earlier, switch departments, leave the job etc. It worries me that she texted you after you broke it off. You are forbidden fruit which will only make her desire you more. I hope some of this helped, brother
     
    The Black Dog likes this.
  11. TheGhostWhoWalks

    TheGhostWhoWalks Fapstronaut

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    Hey brother,

    I hope you are doing well. I had a on and off affair with a co-worker over about a two year period of time when I was also newly married and had a young child. It started fairly innocuously just like the situation you are describing and very quickly got out of hand. Those of us with SA issues thrive on a sense of freshness, excitement, and most of all approval and that is exactly what an affair is. On the surface it is an escape from the mundane and sometimes stressful world of your home life. Once it's done though you will find that this woman has issues and foibles just like everyone else and your life is going to be immensely complicated.

    For me having an affair was a line that I couldn't uncross, it severely damaged my self-image as a "good person". I followed the same logic that black dog espoused and chose not to tell my wife. At times I very much wanted to but I knew the harm that would do my wife and by extension my children. In many ways it would actually have been easier for me to tell her because carrying that guilt around by yourself sucks. I am not saying this is the right or wrong approach....that is a very individual choice. It's been more than three years now since the affair and no longer even live in the same state; and not a day goes by that I don't think about what I did and regret it.

    If I had to give you some advise it would be this;

    Don't let the situation go any further

    Remove yourself from the situation altogether if you can

    Stop texting this girl. Limit your communication to only what is needed for work. Don't have her on your phone at all it you can.

    Have a frank conversation with the girl, tell her you find her attractive but you are committed to your wife and child and you just can't communicate with her anymore outside of a work context. You can't be "just friends" for the same reason we can't watch just "a little porn". When you are feeling angry and weak your subconscious is going to head straight for that open door that it knows is still there waiting.

    Best of luck, I sincerely hope you get past this more successfully than I did.
     
  12. Look out for a job where you can't commit those sins. Full of men or old people.
     
  13. Similar storey here. No affair so to speak ofnin the truest sense but I had phonesex and talked smut (among other things) with mutual friends. It is fucking datk and not cool at all.

    We have a family togethet and I just snapped one day and told her EVERYTHING. Good, bad and every fucked up thing in between. 3 years later we are still together. She has stuck by me like thr amazing woman she is. I have cleaned my act up so much but it does incredible damage to relationships and trust.

    In my opinion unless I was 100% honest I couldn't move forward in my recovery. But that is a matter for you and your soul.
     
    4DCreator, de severn and Tannhauser like this.

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