Accidental "Hard Mode"

Even though her lack of desire is completely understandable to you, the way you feel is pretty eye opening, isnt it? Many spouses live feeling the way you do for decades because their PA life partner consistently chooses PMO over them.

Good for you for looking at this as a way to better yourself with a reboot. It seems that now is as good a time as any to finish out the 90 days, and now that you are consciously choosing to follow through, do it with purpose. Serve your wife during this pregnancy that is taking its toll on her. Help her physically. Help her emotionally. Strive to be the husband and father you know you can be. At the same time, work your recovery. If you haven't already, find an accountability partner, join a 12 step program, get a sponsor, start seeing a CSAT, read books, watch recovery videos on youtube...

You can do this.

 

hi @Tannhauser - for starters, i agree with everything @EyesWideOpen said - as i almost always do.

your situation is really tough. like @EyesWideOpen mentioned, this is how many SOs feel for years - and it's good for us to experience and be able to better empathize. however, it's also how many guys feel - for a variety of reasons (some mine, some hers), I have never in 30 yrs felt my wife was really, really long term into me. it hurts - and does make one a little crazy about being attractive enough, sexy enough, fill-in-the-blank enough. these are for sure insecurities, but IMO they are weak spots for most men. that doesn't make it OK, it just means you're not alone at all. sorta like using lemon juice to find a cut, it's painful, but it does a good job of showing you where you need to grow/heal.

i personally think it's a good short term plan to abstain as your choice. I'd tell her what you're doing, but not include the how her rejection is hurting you and you want the lack of sex to be your decision. figure out some positive reason - my guess is she feels a bit guilty about not engaging, and will feel some relief from it if you can say it in a way that doesn't make her feel guilty.

that said there's no magic in 90 days hard mode. perhaps use the time to ponder where the insecurities came from and how to address them. build a new habit like meditation. figure out ways to effectively address the bad feelings or horny feelings in the moment. I might suggest Leo Babauta's short ebook "The One Skill" - easily found online.

HTH

 

Congrats and I feel the pain brother! good news is 1st trimester is almost done!

my wife was veru sick duing the 1st trimester with our daughter and also our daughter on the way. I think it was week when we finally had sex and have onky done it 3 more times in the past 5 weeks since. I know the feeling of feeling rejected and unloved. i know some will say "that's not rejection, she's sick/pregnant etc." but it feels like it.

Hope it gets better. is this your first kid?

 

Hi @Tannhauser,

You're situation sounds difficult, but not impossible. I hear a lot of loneliness from your post and feelings of rejection. That's understandable to feel that way and many of us on the forums feel the same. At the same time you've said it yourself that your wife is not feeling well, and is a not a reflection on you. It sounds like you both are having a disconnection at this time and it's creating conflict. I would encourage you both to try to talk to each other about how you are both feeling, hard mode is something to help us addicted to become sober to help us recover but it's not the only thing that will help us recover. For a true recovery making connections with people we care about is the best way for us to heal. It's good to have goals and doing hard mode is a good start, just remember to keep your wife involved.

For me watching these videos on youtube have helped me a lot, giving me tools on how to communicate with people and getting out of my shell. I use a lot of the concepts from these videos for not only myself but to talk with other people in my life. Good luck to your endeavors and be proud of yourself that you came to this website to talk to others and are self aware of your own feelings.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg