Planning for Sex / Planning for Porn

How about planning for intimacy with your wife every night that doesn't include sex, or better yet, including intimacy on those nights, too? It seems you do not equate sex with your wife as intimacy, or you would not be seeking out other things in between the nights you are with her.

What other steps are you taking to refrain from PMO or escorts? Are you only white-knuckling? Do you have an accountability partner? Have you attempted a 12 step program like SAA or SA, and/or are you seeing a CSAT therapist?

 

I am glad that you have found a pattern and recognize the consequences. Good luck in tackling and overcoming your struggles.

My problem was always quite the reverse. Say my wife and I agree on Monday that we will put some time aside for sex on Friday night, I have always been good about avoiding PMO during that week in preparation, anticipation, and frankly because it didn't appeal as much as imagining what we would be doing later in the week. However, as happened more often than not, once Friday arrived and I reminded her she would almost always have forgotten, and frequently would cancel the plans or begrudgingly says she would be willing. I would become upset (though not tell her that), say it was okay, roll over and try to get some sleep despite wanting to cry. Then I would feel betrayed, begin to resent her, and then go on a PMO binge on Saturday morning.

For me at this point scheduling sex is just too emotionally dangerous given the likelihood of it being canceled (not even rescheduled - usually just canceled). I can handle a small dose of disappointment on a daily basis much better than a huge let down after a period of time building up anticipation and excitement; and the rewards of feeling spontaneously wanted and desired on the occasions when it does happen for me at least outweigh the fact that we are probably having less sex than we would if we actively scheduled it.

 

Oh man, you still are attracted to your wife and care for her and yet the temptation of using an escort is still a possibility for you despite that?

 

You are 100% correct here. Moreover, it is about character. When presented with disappointment or discouragement, what should I do? There are positive, neutral and negative ways to respond to frustration - sexual or otherwise - and which one I choose determines what kind of person I am. Abandoning negative, selfish reactions is hard, but both possible and necessary. Finding positive and neutral responses has been a huge blessing in my life.

 

Yeah...how does that work, exactly?
Isn't that the opposite of caring? Porn is one thing, but an escort?

 

You say that you love and care deeply for your wife, yet use escorts. Perhaps you should take some time to re-evaluate your love for this woman. You’re putting her at risk for STDs (there are many diseases that men get no symptoms from but women do) and almost gaslighting her because according to you if she was more spontaneous you wouldn’t have time for escorts. How about you cut the crap and realize that the reason you’re cheating is not because she’s not spontaneous it’s because you want to have your cake and eat it too

 

What is your plan for recovery?

 

I have read your post quite clearly. When you said that if it’s tuesday and planned sex is on Wednesday that leaves you free to PMO or be with an escort.

 

Pushed send early.... what I’m trying to get at is that you are in a way using this as an excuse. You realize that you won’t have to be ready to perform for your wife so you can have your cake and eat it too.

If this pattern is really what’s causing you to act out why not talk to her about it? Ask her to try and initiate more often and break this habit?

 

Good to look at ourselves.
Even in our depths.

What is so the outlier is throwing in an Escort into a ‘casual’ scheduling question.

P may be a misdemeanor to some,
An escort, a felony;
Tactical nuke to my wife’s heart,
it would be, had I done so.

The comment is so
‘P brain foggy overcast’.

Good you are here,
to hear
And move forward.

 

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What he said.

Also, @Trappist you are incredibly poetic! I enjoy your posts.

 

I think the actual advice was to start scheduling intimacy rather than sex.

Perhaps that would look like setting aside anywhere between 20 minutes to 2 hours every day of the week to be together - with no expectation of sex, but rather with an expectation of connecting on an emotional and intellectual level. No distractions. And embrace the possibility that any one of those intimacy sessions might turn into sex spontaneously.

With this you would "schedule spontaneity" as it were. You would have to be ready every day "just in case".

Also, have you considered a hard mode reboot? The traditional length of time is 90 days. You may find it helpful.

 

Is it possible to connect this way when one of the parties is keeping a massive secret? I'm assuming Veritech's wife does not know about his use of escorts. My understanding is that to gain intimacy you must be honest with one another.

 

Unfortunately, the sex with my wife has become very planned as well. I fell for the same shit that you describe. Oh, no sex till Saturday! Let's have a wank!

Then I realised that even giving me a day to recover from a porn binge is not enough. Now that there is no porn binge, it works better. I owe that to my wife.

Or my wife would surprise me with sexual desire when I don't expect it. Not possible for me to perform when I just had a binge. I don't even really feel like it.

If my wife would do that all the time, I would feel I never ever have the right to use porn. So yes, the planned sex makes porn abstinence harder.

On top of all that, the porn binges just take up too much time and I feel physically and emotionally drained afterwards. So even with planned sex, I have to get the porn out of my life. Maybe a younger or fitter person can do all this porn and sex, but I cannot.