What If

Actually, that is exactly how it works. Time and space are a simulations cretated in your mind relative to you.

 

I brought

I brought this exact scenario to the table in the beginning right after Dday. His reaction THEN was that it was totally different, but he wouldn't care. His addict brain said that. Now he sees that I'd essentially be doing the same thing as him PMOing. I wouldn't be touching another person, but I'd still be taking myself away from him to "be with someone else". It's the exact same thing.

 

For me this thought experiment doesn't work. It doesn't help me see her pain. If I found out that my wife had spent the last ten years moonlighting as a cam girl I would be heartbroken for her. I would wonder what went so wrong in her life that she found herself doing that? How had I missed it? Why wasn't I there to help her? How will I help her stop now? Will she be able to recover her self-esteem? Will she ever be able to see the sexual side of her nature as positive again? Where's the money she earnt - has she developped a drug habbit as so many women in the sex industry do? How will I help her get over that? Do I need to be tough with her or gentle? ...

They are all the things I'd feel if I discovered that she was a secret cam girl. They are very different from the things she feels about my porn use, understandably so.

 

I wonder if our Sos do react
at least partly as you wrote?

 

I would first wonder if her telling me would actually help her. Then I would wonder if it was something I was doing that contributed to her pursuing an unhealthy outlet: maybe we're not spending enough time together, maybe i don't give her attention, maybe I pay more attention to other things or other people than her, maybe I do something that really annoys her, maybe i talk only about me and never listen to her, maybe we have financial or parenting issues that both of us are ignoring, maybe she is experiencing something that's beyond me like her psychological health that need healing. Some of these things I can help, some I can't, but none necessarily require an explicit detail and account of all her past and current misdeeds. They are likely more of a symptom than the actual problem. I would be more interested in addressing the underlying problems.

 

Everyone has a reason for doing something. Everyone is capable of discovering those reasons and addressing them. The problem is letting our emotions get in the way.