Relapsed after 1 year and 9 months

After few days of serious mental breakdown which you can see in my previous thread, I relapsed. It didn't even feel good. Once last night and another time this morning. I didn't watch porn though but still it's a relapse.

To the people who might be in the same position as they are reading this message ( in the future maybe) and are considering to masturbate after a long time of nofap, I suggest to seriously think it through.
I did it because I was goddamn tired of being lonely and all the attempts I had made toward finding a girlfriend.It's just impossible. I am a 29 year old virgin who is very unattractive (3/10 psl) and can do nothing about his life. I am a total useless person. The reason I did it last night was because I was exhausted and fed up with everything in my life. I am digesting the Black Pill.

I have to find a way to control it though. Of course I have the experience to do that easily. I believe in myself but I have tho think this through because last night I felt like celibacy for one year and nine months was for nothing. It really didn't do anything for me. I am still completely against masturbation addiction as it has the power to destroy your life, especially at the younger age(specifically teenage years). But last night I felt that not masturbating will do me nothing as it did not help me with anything special during these period of time. I did not watch porn during that time but the thought of having sex with someone always crossed my mind every time I went to bed. Also last night I realized it has not helped me with my ED. I did not have one single morning wood during the whole NOFAP period. To be honest, it does not matter that much since I can not have the actual sex. It's pretty sad that there are no brothels here also so I can do something about it, not to mention the thought of getting an STD is what preventing me from streetwalkers.

Thank you for reading. If you have any question, I'll answer here.

Edit: You have to be an ugly 29 year old virgin to understand this. This is for the virgin in their late 20's or 30's.

 

Thank you for your reply.

One thing I would like to point out is that how NOFAPPPERS underestimate some instinctive evolutionary behaviors. For example the thing that you just said. "Putting a woman on a pedestal". It reminded me of that black guy's quote in the movie "40 Year Old Virgin". It's ridiculous. No offense though. Most nofappers I have seen here and other forums or even on Instagram keep saying how you can take control over your sexual thoughts while it's nothing but an utter bullshit. I'm really sorry but I know this because I am among those people who refrained themselves from porn for more than a year and I know how it actually works.

-------> Remember, people:
-The sexual urges do not go away
-You will still think about sex and feel bad about it especially if you are virgin
-If you are ugly, you have to try super hard to get a girl below your level not just your level, so you have to think this through if you are quitting to find a girlfriend because there is no co-relation between celibacy and getting a girlfriend.
-You have to fight extreme sexual urges some night (just the way I did) and it might -lead to relapse if it is somehow combined with mental breakdown.
-Procrastination would still be there. It might not be extreme but It is still there, especially if you have ADD.

Yes there are many benefits and main one is having better willpower. You believe in yourself and can actually quit your other addiction as well. But you have to accept that quitting masturbation won't do magic. It won't. I cringe when people say quitting porn gives them superpower. It's ridiculous.

 

Thanks for your response. I will actually become 30 in 6 months , so we are somehow in the same boat. Although I admit even a 6 months more experience can differ a lot.

I do not know if you have heard of the redpilled and bluepilled theory under the category of Looks. I have recently came across to this reality by reading some articles and watching some outstanding videos on YouTube realizing that all this time, the reason behind of me being lonely this far has been due to my ugliness. It's not that I haven't tried. I have been around girls a lot and have had one or two friend who always had girls by their side, even some friends who tried to help me by setting up double dates. I have been into various parties and have seen the disturbing reactions of girls ignoring me or some even looking at me with disgust by just asking them how they are. Also, I can say I am quite funny and I can make girls laugh. I'm sure if I were good-looking I would have had many sexual partners by now. So yeah, to make it short,I've been living in hell which makes it funny that the country I live in is also another hellish part of my life.

So, I have recently taken the redpill and I believe the truth has been revealed to me.You need to accept that the very basic thing that attracts women is the looks of a man. Do not buy the confidence scam which is nothing but absolute lie. It does not work for ugly guys.

And yes, I said I might go for an escort, but to be honest, I won't. I'm sure if I go for an escort, I will feel nothing but more empty and void.

I really need to take some time to think what should I do with my life. It's beyond just quitting porn and masturbation. It's very complicated, I see.

Anyhow,thanks again for the advice. I appreciate people's response here. It's nice

I disagree with the porn and inferiority complex relation in my situation. I abstained myself from porn and masturbation for this long and that did not help me with feeling good about myself.I;ve been depressed since I was seventeen. Technically since the time I started to realize I'm not able to attract girls.Even if we have an outer cause for my inferiority complex, it would be me seeing all my friends and all the people around me getting all the attention and sex but not me. I don't see it as inferiority complex by the way but the reality of my life.

I very much appreciate your kindness for saying that I will eventually find someone. But, honestly, I highly doubt it. The only reason I am alive right now is my family. Nothing more.

Also regarding the law of attraction: Well, that might work for normal and good looking people but nor for ugly and below average ones. They have to put too much effort on finding a girl, without any certainty of finding one.

 

I know, man. It's a terrible feeling. I don't know to be honest. I'm going down

"You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone"

 

I really appreciate your advice, young man. But by thinking I am 10, I would not make others think that I am a 10. I know what you mean. It is the same old High Confidence advice.

Once again, thanks for being nice. I see your picture, although it is a bit small but I can easily tell that you are a handsome dude.

Thanks and good luck.

@Badme I am ugly enough to be an involuntary celibate.