1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

It is difficult

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TSi90, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. TSi90

    TSi90 Fapstronaut

    5
    9
    3
    Hello all. Where do I start? I honestly do not know.... I have been a porn user for many many years. Since puberty I would have to say. I am 34 years old currently , married, no kids. I have been caught many times through out our 12 years of being together with my wife. And every time its the same vicious cycle. She has done everything to help me.... Everything. And I keep going to back to it. I feel so many different emotions - sad , lonely, depressed, anxious, bored, useless, powerless and so on. All I do is think about sex, sexually fantasies, its to the point that I cant look at ANY woman with out playing something out in my head. I am tired of it.... The constant bloating and overloading of images and thoughts. I just want to return to some what normal life.
    My understanding and thoughts about sex and connection to my spouse have been do deformed and mutilated by the porn industry that its a real anxiety or pressure to preform for her. I have tried to reboot and recovery and have some success but relapse at some point. I really need to make it work this time. Currently I have 13 days with out porn - internet porn . I have however looked at erotic images - instgram photos, lingerie sites etc. I have not masturbated or orgasm to any images but i still feel horrible after looking at them. And the worst part is I dont know why I am doing it. I dont feel any excitement or anything. I remind my self that those images are not porn and I should feel good that I have not visited any sites I used too. The other day I deleted the instagram app from my phone - so there is a step taken to eliminate that trigger. I work from home and use the internet as my means of working. I have not visited any porn sites on my home computer because i use it work and also the wife uses it. Another one of my issues is I feel like im never good enough in general - especially with pleasing my wife. And i feel its because of porn. My brain has been overloaded with what you see in porn and its tricked into expecting that in real life. My sexual behavior has changed as well. I am soooo tired of fighting this . How do other members deal with this and their partners as well? I dont want to tell my wife that I have relapsed . How do you tell your partners or spouses without lying, or making it worse? I really really want a better life for my self and for my wife.
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    Instagram is a porn substitute. Just because it's not videos does not mean it's not porn.

    I have a thread on helping PAs disclose you can always PM me and I can send you a sample letter.

    Some great members here hopefully can help @GhostWriter @anewhope @Rock_Star @phuck-porn! To name a few

    I wish you luck in recovery!
     
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

    151
    176
    43
    Instagram is the WORST. It’s filled with practically naked women. I was sick to my stomach when I saw the shit on there, knowing he had it the whole time. Made him delete it ASAP.
     
  4. TSi90

    TSi90 Fapstronaut

    5
    9
    3
    Thank you Anna and DHW7 - Since reading both your responses about instagram I have reset my relapse counter. Earlier today I did masturbate but with out any imagery. I tried to use mental images of real sexual experience but was overwhelmed with fake images from previous masturbation sessions. I felt guilty not only from masterbating but from mentioning in my initial post about looking at what i "thought" were ok images - even though deep down inside i knew it was wrong. But by coming to this site, posting and allowing my self to be honest it feels GREAT! I really need to start focusing on small gains or achievements and stop stressing about failures.
     
    samnf1990, anewhope and Trappist like this.
  5. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi TSi90,

    Welcome aboard. Having been tagged by Anna, I will follow your progress and try to offer what help I can. To start with, just a few bullet points of advice.

    1. Congratulations on finding NoFap. Use it in several ways to help you conquer this:
      • Use the counter and try to build your streak - I found it surprisingly motivating
      • Read others' stories here and get a clear view of how much damage porn does to relationships. Let that motivate you
      • Get specific advice as you need it. The SOs and PAs have a wealth of experience and are generous with their time.
    2. Porn and sexual fantasies rush in to fill a vacuum. Keep busy. Avoid getting bored. Exercise is particularly good for getting rid of the surplus energy.
    3. Do more activities with your wife. Rebuild the romance in your relationship. Relate to her as a person, not just someone to have sex with. If you are struggling with temptation, distract yourself by doing something for your wife instead - an errand, a present, some flowers, a cup of coffee, some cleaning even. Redirect your energy from the selfish act of PMO or MO into an act of love. You'll be amazed how good that makes you feel.
    4. I suggest that you try to quit masturbation too. When you masturbate you will tend to perpetuate the fantasies that keep you in the trap that is porn addiction. Try to make it a rule that you will only orgasm with your wife.
    5. ABOVE ALL. Be honest with your wife. Time and time again, the SOs on this site will tell you that the lies are worse than the porn. Lies destroy the trust that is the bedrock of your relationship.

    Recognise that you have an addiction and one that is particularly difficult to beat. But you can do it with hard work and resolve. Do it now, before you do more damage to your relationship. It is possible and the benefits are more than worth it.

    Good luck

    ANH
     
    Butterfly1988, Acky31, cH33SE and 3 others like this.
  6. inutterclarity

    inutterclarity Fapstronaut

    21
    4
    3
    My take here is that there are much deeper issues than just porn. In particular, you seem to have low self-esteem and not actually think you deserve your wife / happiness. That's why you keep sabotaging yourself and relapsing. I would recommend seeing a therapist.

    Of course, to abstain from porn / erotic images / masturbation is also good advice. But I think deeper work is needed for you to succeed.

    (I'd also recommend the book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden: https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397/)
     
  7. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

    95
    342
    123
    hi it's been a long time since I've commented on someone's thread but it sounds like you could use some friendly advice and some tough truths. let's start with the friendly advice.
    you have to get rid of all Psubs.
    -istagram
    -music videos
    -youtube
    -Sports illustrated
    -anything that portrays other women in a sexual way.
    now the hard truth
    you must above all things be 100% honest with yourself and with your partner. you have to tell her everything you've done. you must also find an accountability partner. someone who is going to call you out on you BS and tell you when you F'ing up. you must be honest with them. you dont have to tell the world that you're an addict but you do have to tell the people closest to you. if they really care about you they will be supportive. they might not understand but they'll be supportive. honesty is the corner stone of recovery.
    more harsh truths
    NO MORE MASTURBATING.
    I put that in caps to emphasize how important it is. you've broken your brain theres no going back and you have to except that. it's like and alcoholic, they cant drink after recovery, ever. M'ing is like an alcoholic sniffing the bottle or taking just a sip. they might be able to a couple times but before they know it they're back to drinking to a stupor. when you M your brain will only release dopamine which is what you've become addicted to. when you have sex you're body releases other chemicals to like serotonin the love chemical which helps you connect with your partner, which is good.
    more scary news but something you'll have to face if you truly want to recover is you're partners reactions. you have hurt her and lied to her and treated her like she is worth less then an image on a screen. you've betrayed her and have cheated on her. whether you think so or not that's how she feels. she is going to be grieving and you have to understanding and supportive. I suggest you watch the "helping her heal" videos by Dr Weiss. he is really good at explaining how she will be feeling and how you should handle it. this is not going to be easy and I know this is a lot to take in right now, but I hope this gives you some understanding and what to expect moving forward. also here is a link to explain why using P is cheating.
    http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/01/19/using-porn-is-cheating/
    again best of luck on your journey.
     
  8. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    400
    668
    93
    I agree that points 3 and 4 are super important.

    3: No partner wants you to express your love or desire for them by requesting a blowjob, but the P-addled brain may cause your train of thought to funnel down from positive appreciation of your partner or their beauty right to fantasising about deriving stimulation and pleasure from them. A heavy P user is conditioning themself to think very selfishly about sex. Direct the initial appreciation into channels of behaviour that your partner can appreciate. This might be a sexual favour for them, but much better for your recovery is an act of kindness that is completely non-sexual, especially at this early stage.

    4: This was the most important step in my first recovery (I quit porn for over a year before slipping back into old habits). By insisting on only allowing sexual experiences to be shared ones, I was never creating a situation where I was resentful of my partner's lack of involvement. One of the reasons I used P rather than the sexual images of my wife I had (these have since been deleted as part of my recovery, a great decision but another story) was that I could not separate the images from the person when looking at images of my wife. During M I would sometimes resent the fact that I was alone rather than with her, because I was seeing her there in front of me as I Med. From that stage, twisted reasoning can justify the use of images of other women, which I would later regret. A similar thing can happen when using no visual aids. If I imagine my wife, there is a sadness and resentment that I am not with her. This can lead to fantasies of other partners and then potentially a search for visual materials and a full blown relapse. Solo M is not as good as partnered sex, and I never regret waiting for it. I do regret M, even if I only imagine my wife and don't do anything shameful in my quest for an O. I also run the risk of escalating to PMO which I greatly regret, and invite the self-loathing, dishonesty and despair that plagues my life as a P-user to return.

    5. Lies may be worse to SOs than P use, but a symptom of P use is lies. To invite P into your life is to invite the lies. If you want to live as an honest man, live a P-free life. And make sure to share any relapse as quickly as possible, if you have a lapse in self-control or perspective.

    And despite the fact that lies hurt more than porn use, it is the porn that causes us to lie. It helps, in order to have a successful nofap journey, if you change your definition of P. P is anything that you seek out to stimulate your sexual impulses. Erotic imagery, whether explicit or not, does the same things to your brain. You seek them out for the same reasons you seek out HC content: to be sexually stimulated. It is MUCH easier to stop seeking out all P, all sexual images (which you should think of as P, many call these images P-subs, or porn substitutes, as they may be safe for work, but they are still erotic in nature and you are seeking them out for all the same reasons) than it is to stop yourself from escalating to PMO when you are already browsing P-subs. P-subMO is just as bad as PMO to something that is legally defined as pornography. Stop making distinctions between P and non-P. If it feels like P, it may as well be. Keep away from all that shit.

    An idea about working from home on the internet: Place yourself and your computer screen right by an open window where neighbours and passers by can and will see you if you were to slip up. Make decisions not to M actively. If is easier to plan for success than to try to avoid temptation if it pops up. Create a situation where temptation is minimal.

    There is tons of advice of all kinds all over this site. Use it to educate yourself about what has helped other people in their journey. Use the success stories of others as motivation to succeed. Read relapse reports to remind yourself of the shame, regret and self-disgust you will feel if you were to relapse. Read some of the stories of PAs who escalated further than you with their problems and be thankful you found this site before progressing that far in your habits. Use them as a warning against returning to the dark life of a P user.

    Remember, nobody is jealous of the man who got to have a wank last night. People get jealous of those people in healthy, happy relationships with a loving, caring, beautiful partner. Without P in your life, your partner will be more loving and more caring. You will also be more appreciative of their beauty, and stop seeking the elusive, perfect depiction of beauty to worship in solitary, lonely and self-loathing masturbatory tribute. You are on the path to being a better man, and in addition to creating better conditions and a better dynamic in your relationship, you will be able to appreciate your wife more, and devote yourself to her in a way that makes you feel great, makes her feel great, and will most likely lead to the best sex life you have had for years. Even if nothing about the sex changes, your ability to appreciate it and be present in the moment will improve.

    Wow, long post. Another word of advice is to make these kinds of supportive posts for others on similar journeys to yours. It is a great way to remind yourself why you came to Nofap, why it is the best decision of your life, and why your general horniness this morning is better spent with your wife this evening, rather than becoming an excuse for a regrettable relapse that ruins a 35 day streak. It won't be long until you find yourself in this position, if you follow the good advice that you find all over these forums.
     
    Banjaxed, Numb and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  9. TSi90

    TSi90 Fapstronaut

    5
    9
    3
    Again, thank you all for the support. I am very fortunate to have found my self here. Last night after I made dinner my wife and I had a talk. I was so nervous and my stomach was in knots and sideways. It was extremely difficult but I explained to her the situation. And she could careless about the porn and was more pleased at the fact that I told her. Not once did she get upset or did I feel guilty, shameful. She stressed the fact the communication is the key to success and that is what our relationship is built on - communication. I was in tears, but also felt so relieved that i didnt have to carry this around anymore. I have removed all sources of imagery and find it easier to focus on just getting through the day. As before just thinking about getting through the day and dealing with it was crushing me. Moving forward my wife and I agreed that we should check in with one another on the phone 3 times through the day. Once in the morning, once at lunch, and once in the afternoon. I feel this would bring us closer together and also serve as a distraction for me if I found my self regressing or having negative thoughts.
     
  10. Hosseink

    Hosseink New Fapstronaut

    4
    1
    3
    Hi,
    I masturbated whenever I saw Instagram.
    I too confused that why Instagram not filter this content?
    kids and teenager visited this site and see naked woman and their brain start to addicte to porn.
     
  11. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant

    145
    257
    63
    It takes a while to crawl from a sewer when you’re waist deep in it. Just take small steps and be consistent.
     
  12. TSi90

    TSi90 Fapstronaut

    5
    9
    3
    Since Monday I have noticed a few changes with my self. The past few nights i have gotten aroused simply by just laying in bed with my wife. The first night there was some touching and caressing but last night it was just out of no where. Another thing i noticed is sometimes my mind gets dull. Its like a disconnect from reality and go off to no where. And in no where there is nothing - no porn, no negative thoughts, just blank. I can bring my self back and everything is fine. Its just different. Does anyone else feel or experience this? Another thing, last night my wife and I went out to dinner with a friend. It was a good evening. While at the restaurant it was difficult to keep my eyes at the table. They kept surveying the crowd - almost as if trying to satisfy that part of my brain that wants that visual stimuli. I know its not right and my wife sometimes notices it. I really want to curve this. I do feel shameful and guilty about it. Most of the time I dont know that i am doing it till i am actually doing it.
     
  13. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Yep, that's what's going on. Ogling is one of the ways your brain is trying to get its fix. It's in the same bracket as searching out sexy posts in instagram or twitter, pictures of girls in magazines, or raunchy YouTube music videos - all forms of P-sub. The urges are not going to go away overnight, so don't be discouraged. Keep fighting and stay clean. The longer you go without M, the more you will see positive changes.

    Good luck and stay strong

    ANH
     
  14. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    You are going through some depersonalization...
    Hard work on yourself will get rid of it :)
    Could you be testing yourself or your spouse?
    Maybe you are subconsciously curious about how much power you really do have over your own thoughts?
    That's addiction...the mind is a powerful trickster.

    Good job on coming here to find help :)

    Best wishes
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. nakalaku

    nakalaku Fapstronaut

    Do you happen to suffer this?
    Anyway, dont masturbate as the fact that a really satisfying masturbation is by fantasizing porn or while looking at porn. First time you may succeed masturbating without porn, but second time or later on you will find that it is dull to do it without porn and bam! Then you access the porn. Failure.

    And also for a wild mind that you have suffered right now, you should consider that any image that raise your sexual happiness is a porn, except the image of your wife. That way you will try to avoid it as any image that trigger your sexual happiness will also raise the bad dopamine level in your brain.

    This dopamine high is what made you addicted to porn. If you abstain from M & P, your brain will slowly recover from the damage done by this dopamine.

    Also, it is normal at first to live a dull and boring life without P & M. As you before this get used to spending your time on happy porn-surfing & M'ing. So by the time pass, your brain will get accustomed to the healthy low level of dolamine and you will start feeling happy even by a simple thing.

    So, hope you can practice our advices.
    And wish us all succeed too.

    Regards,
    Nakalaku
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
  16. TSi90

    TSi90 Fapstronaut

    5
    9
    3
    At one point I did suffer from PIED. Not so much any more. Another thing that I just realized could affect my recovery is the "highlight reel". Meaning that during sex and just before O I am going through the highlights of previous sessions of PMO to achieve a O with my wife. Today while out at the store for lunch i really tried my hardest to concentrate and let my eyes wonder. Its tough tho, not only because we are constantly being hit with sexual advertisements at every angle. Today when i got over whelmed i tried to focus on my breathing and a memory of something pleasant that had nothing to do with erotica. It helped but it was tough. I am a very observant person by nature - highly detail orientated. I deal with technology for a living so its a part of my day to day.

    I cant keep thanking you all . Seriously, even though we are strangers behind a keyboard miles away its nice to have a connection and caring individuals .
     
    anewhope likes this.

Share This Page