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Remember that your reboot journey will be unique- day 16 observations

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by newman_unleashed, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. newman_unleashed

    newman_unleashed Fapstronaut

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    I wanted to put some personal observations in writing today for my and others' benefit. I had an amazing first two weeks. I thought that since my use has been psubs and intermittent (with occasional binges) that maybe I was going to have an easy reboot. Not so. After an easy first two weeks, things are much more difficult now.

    On day 16 today. I finally read "Your Brain on Porn', and now that I have a scientific construct in which to process my reboot, my will power has been much better. Here is how the last few weeks have gone for me:

    Week before beginning my last reboot try: Sick, tired, stuck at home, and binged several times to Psubs, with M and O. At times a soft core pic would come on screen, and though I would look away or close the application, those images were my wake up call that I was flirting with a full blown marathon session to hard core porn relapse. I worked through that a couple years ago and did not want to go back there. I decided to get serious again. Also, after MO my sleep would be terrible. I was tired of being tired.

    First days of reboot: devoured the book YBOP and felt a revelation. Understanding of my situation and the why gave me an intense high. Life was great. The most important thing I learned from the book is that I should not be concerned with whether something is pornographic or not. My concern should be for the effect the input elicits in my brain. So that inner voice that has been telling me that psubs aren't that bad is lying to me. Anyways at this point I still had flashbacks and sexual thoughts when I saw an attractive girl, but no erections and no desire to fap. Tiny penis. Social interactions were strong and anxiety free. Actually craving social interaction. I wanted especially to be around and get to know women again as friends. I visited a friend of mine out of town, and when I left gave everyone in the family genuinely loving hugs and his little kids kisses on their heads.

    Days 4-12: Same high continuing, no sexual desires. My penis is already larger and had morning wood a couple times. Absolutely no desire to fap. Still a social confidence beast. My desire to complete this reboot (90+ days) and get a real girlfriend is taking a hold. I have found myself daydreaming about the non sexual intimacy part of a relationship (holding hands, sitting next to each other, etc). The idea of these things has been mor satisfying than thinking about sex.

    Day 14-16: I stayed up late a couple times and ran into triggers. I bagan harmlessly watching sports on youtube and a couple humor channels. Then the DeltaFosB kicked in as I was closing up for the night , and I searched for some psub vids. Watched for an hour or so then gained my reason and closed it up. The last three nights now I have followed that routine. Never fap, eventually quit after about an hour after I force myself to stop. So why I am I allowing this to happen when I know it is impeding progress? My neural circuitry is taking over in these moments (triggers) due to me ignoring my bedtime routine and not avoiding technology after 9 pm. Still a good amount to rewiring to take place, and I need to step up my game.

    I ate poorly a few times and drank alchohol three times. I believe that this is not a coincidence, and that my brain is trying to act out.

    I had negative feelings towards social interaction. I made myself get out and see friends anyways. It just was not easy as before.

    Other notes: I did not masturbate or even have the desire to do so. This makes a lot of sense. There is no way I am fapping again. I don't want to pay the price afterwards. It's just not worth it to me. My brain at this point is mostly interested in getting dopamine, not orgasm release. So if it has to choose between the two, it is going to choose the imagery. I do see the self control regarding masturbation as a huge breakthrough. I realize that if I cross that line, I have made NO progress. So now my main focus is to avoiding all electronic induced dopamine triggering activites. No youtube, facebook, or aimless browsing. I knew this, but let my mind trick me into thinking I was in total control.

    Since the three late nights and the browsing I have experienced the following:
    1. A tingling irritation in the crotch and leg. I can focus my mind and do something and it passes. As soon as I have any PMO related thoughts it comes back- indicative of when dopamine is at work.
    2. Less desire and motivation to do things.
    3. Permit myself to eat junk food (pizza, cake, alchohol)
    4. Less positive outlook

    I feel hopeful and confident that I can turn these new cravings away. It was unexpected that I would feel so good for two weeks then have this wall hit me as it has. I would have thought to feel worse at the beginning. I am grateful, and going to continue. This has been a reality check for me that there are going to be some big ups and downs, and they will be random and unexpected. I must be prepared now.

    DON'T GIVE UP!
     
    Myfortress and TakingControlPMO like this.
  2. TakingControlPMO

    TakingControlPMO Fapstronaut

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    Hey, good luck man! Stick with it.
     

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