Avoiding responsibilities

Call me a loser if you will.

I have a long history of fapping, maybe not as long as people in their 30s or above, but I started a lot younger than other people. My first porn encounter was back in the 4th year of elementary school, around 9 to 10 years old. Someone came to me and told me a website that I should visit and I did. I remember seeing a tag asking if I was 18 with naked females on the sides of the screen. I screamed out loud and closed the window quickly. But curiosity caught me and I revisited the site. Courage held my right hand with my index clicking on the 'YES' onscreen button. I remember fantasising my female classmates and daydreaming all day long without paying attention during classes. I learned how to masturbate two years later, which marks the start of my 14 years of PMO history.

I share a lot of side effects of extensive porn use and I am not going to repeat all of them. But I think what hurts my life and career the most is the lack of confidence and being very unwilling when it comes to responsibilities. I see many sources and posts claiming the former but feels like the latter is often omitted. I have several occasions where the lack of will to take responsibility have ruined my chance of success. I would like to share a few of them and I hope I would be more confident when facing similar situations.

The first case concerns dating. I don't know if you guys have these kind of selfish thoughts or it's just me. I really want to have sex with a girl but I don't want to build a relationship with her. This is fine when you are a pick up artist and your targets consist of sluts and whores that are also looking for loveless sex. The problem is, I am not a pick up artist myself and I am no where close to good looking. Sometimes I am just very lucky to develop affection with an average looking good girl whom are very likely to still be a virgin at the age of 21. These kind of girls often holds very little experience with love and at the same time very serious about relationships. Believe it or not, I had been on bed naked with a girl, making out with her without sex. This has happened at least 3 to 4 times, but I always end up not having sex with her. She might give me a blow job or a hand job and that's it. I remember one of the girls told me, 'if you are not going to be my boyfriend, you ain't getting in there', and another girl, 'don't think about fxxking me, I don't feel like letting you'. I don't know was it because of my conscience or I was too afraid. I think my problem was I made myself too clear explicitly or implicitly when it comes to relationships, I am not ready to have any serious relationships. I want sex but I don't want the burden that comes with it. A very selfish thinking. I don't want to lie to the girl either. This led me being single for 7 years since the age of 19.

The second case concerns my career. I got to be honest with all of you, I have been out of a job for a year. I am a loser who is 26 and still living with my parents. I know this is something to be very shameful. And I can tell you I graduated from a top university with decent GPA (nothing very fabulous though), which makes things a lot worse. I was laid off last year because the company wasn't doing too well (and perhaps I had the worst memory and productivity among my coworkers). I tried to look for other jobs but eventually 'gave up' after the first few months and started a long period of procrastination. I let myself devoured by Youtube, video games and porn for many months. I lost contact with a lot of friends because I was ashamed by myself. Due to the fact that my college was a prestigious one, many of my friends are doing very well, posting pictures on Instagram such as annual dinners in a big corporation and winning the marathon or flying planes in their mid-20s. I felt depressed by those pictures and eventually left social media as well. I tried to better use my time and learn few new sets of skill like programming and a new foreign language, all came to a halt and quickly find themselves on the shelf behind my computer. I feel weak and I don't know what to do.

Time flies like an arrow and I find myself out of a job for more than a year with a depleted bank account. I don't know what to do with my life. I had dreams that now feels unreachable and pointless. I am too old to start anything over. I feel alone and hopeless with no friends and no social life. I sense disappointment when I look into my parents' eyes. I want to make changes but I have zero motivation to change the situation. I am not happy but I am not extremely sad either. I have asked myself, 'do I want to see myself like this 5 or 10 years later'? The clear answer is 'no', but then the next question left me dumbfounded, 'what can you do about it'? I don't know... I am stuck in this loop of despair and yet to find a way out. Is it because of long term fapping? Is it about porn? Or is it because I am just a useless piece of shxt?