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Disclosing in a New Relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by JKnight, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    The need to disclose in a long term relationship is obvious to me. The question I have is in a new relationship. The following is my balance of arguments:
    Pros:
    1. If you do make it to become a long term relationship there will be that betrayal trauma and this will display honesty upfront which will mitigate it (maybe)
    2. shows that you are serious about being honest and wanting to create a real relationship with her
    Cons:
    1. This is a huge leap of faith and display of trust and vulnerability to someone who will most likely revile you for disclosing.
    2. It's put a lot of unnecessary strain on a new relationship
    3. It could derail a relationship that could have had enormous potential
    4. re-emphasising the trust, as she may react by disclosing your secret to someone else
    There are probably more, but these are the arguments that I have made in the past that I can remember.
     
  2. To me, cons 2 and 3 are related more to the addiction itself, not the disclosure.
     
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Ok for me I told Jak about my anorexia and sexual traumas and PTSD Before we got together because I wanted to give him a choice. I've had enough people say they could handle it and leave and I didnt eant that again. I also told him it was my issue and it's my responsibility and he supported me through treatment and everything. That was his choice. But had I not told him ... I dont think our relationship would have worked
     
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  4. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    Wasn't that a massive risk at the beginning of your relationship? Also, what would have happened if he confided in you at the beginning of your relationship?
     
  5. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    please elaborate
     
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    It was a huge risk, but it's unfair for me to "trap" him into a relationship have him fall for me only to realize when we try to have sex I break down and have flashbacks, or realize I have anorexia as he watches me waste away. That is cruel. I rather lose him before I have him than trick him.

    And I told him that honesty and trust are themost important things to me. So had he been honest we would have slowed things down, stayed friends as he worked a reboot, and once clean for 6 months I would have gotten into a relationship with him.
     
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  7. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    That is quite a brave and mature undertaking. Did you worry if he was going to betray that trust ever?

    Do you say that because now that you have invested all this time, you would like to believe that is how you would have acted? or that because of your own experience with addiction, it is, objectively, likely course you would have taken?
     
  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I never thought @Jak3 would betray me. NEVER. Only when I started finding things....I was devastated. There was nothing that would ever make me think he would destroy me like that, which is why it was SO devastating. It was out of Nowhere.

    I stayed orginally because I know addiction, and knew he could overcome it. I know recovery, I know addiction, and I know how to stay on track. I am not perfect but knowledge is power. Had I never gone through addiction I might not have stayed.
     
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  9. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    If you want a relationship with someone you should be honest. Starting out on a lie isn't going to build a strong foundation. Besides, if the person you are interested in can not or will not handle it why would you want to be with them? Wouldn't you want someone that can accept all of you, good and bad? Who will stand by you and support you when you struggle and need help.
     
  10. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    it isn't starting off on a lie. I'm not arguing semantics here, but you don't usually start a relationship acknowledging every dark secret or disease that you may have. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO seems to have done that and I commend her for it as it takes a lot of courage to be that vulnerable that early on. But it's usually something that you disclose as the relationship gets serious and you start believing that you have future with that individual.

    In the beginning you are still testing the waters, you do not know if they are that person or not? And being a PA is a massive and dark secret that no-one really wants tell because we usually hate ourselves for being PAs.
     
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    For me I asked about porn prior to relationship and he lied. That's my problem

    I know people get caught up in romance but my mind works psychoanalytically like a detective and I ask important questions prior to committing. I can only get to protect myself by asking questions and stating my boundaries prior it's up to the other individual on if they are going to respect me and be honest or treat me like nothing and lie.

    So yes Dark secrets usually come out later... but here is the thing

    If it involves cheating or addiction those should be known early on within 1 to 3 months so you can get out.

    If it involves sexual abuse as a child or witnessing a friends murder etc yeah... that comes out naturally through growing intimacy.

    Those secrets dont hurt the partner

    Financially cheating and hiding money hurts the part er
    Being a chronic cheater hurts the partner
    Being an addict hurts the partner

    Certain things in my opinion need to be disclosed early on. And for me I make that clear I tried addressing my boundaries and deal breakers up front and got tricked. Not my fault. I tried.

    I understand the fear of rejection but really think about it.
    Do you want someone who will judge you on one thing and walk away without giving you a chance? Or would you want to be honest and see that the person Still chooses you despite your faults and struggles?

    That's one of the reasons I knew my husband loved me. He waited for sex, cried and was outraged when I told him of my sexual traumas, and went to anorexia treatment on family days. None of it phased him. He just accepted me...all of me and that was the best gift he could have given me. And that is why I advocate being honest.

    You get to get rid of all the duds and you find a person who can love you and accept you
     
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I see it differently, it is starting on a lie. Addiction is a huge thing and should be disclosed up front. As should diseases and illnesses. I have a quite a few health problems and I discussed them upfront. Maybe not all within the first date but within the first few weeks. Why? Because if we did start a relationship those are things that would affect him too and if it was too much for him to handle it is only right to tell him ahead of time and let him make the choice to continue or leave. It isn't fair to start to form a bond and then drop a bomb on the other person. I don't see it as a good start. And it seems to me that it is very addicty thinking. It is selfish thinking IMO.
     
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Disclose as early as possible to give them a choice. Why would you want to be with someone that won't or can't support you? It's not fair to either of you and you'd be lying by omission, essentially tricking them by not revealing an integral part of your life that will inevitably affect them.
     
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  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think I have anything more to add, you ladies nailed it IMO!
     
  15. Regarding the "Cons" list:

    1. A leap of faith isn't a con. Being honest and vulnerable show a sign of maturity and consideration for someone other than yourself.

    2. More than disclosing it long after, leaving the other person feeling betrayed, cheated, and decieved?

    3. Any relationship that starts off with a poor foundation will be working against the odds not with them when it comes to a successful future. Those who've kept their addiction a secret infect their relationship with a disease which, while few recover and make it to remission, others fall terminally ill and die. Do the both of you a favor and start off healthy!

    4. Prudence is wise to have when disclosing this addiction. One can gauge the maturity of a person, I like to think, before committing to be exclusively with them. I feel once you've decided that you've reached the end of the dating phase, you should disclose to them. If you can't trust them by that time then you should avoid any relationship with them.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2018
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  16. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I think this is a good point. You are testing or seeking information from them as well. I think the subject of sex would likely come up early on. While talking about sex you could also ask questions to determine their feelings about porn. They would have some type of opinion (positive, negative, neutral). If their feelings (negative or positive) where extreme enough than maybe you would already have enough information to determine that you are not compatible for a relationship and would decide to end things. If you decide to move forward you would need to be honest and share the ways that porn has impacted you and your relationships.
     
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  17. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    Of course it is. being vulnerable prematurely is not a sign of maturity it is a sign of carelessness and imprudence. Perhaps even irrational emotional dependence and instability. A leap of faith is only not a con and as you said at a certain point in the relationship after the initial testing phase has been passed.

    That is my dilemma. It's a sort of catch 22, if you will. You lose either way. The question is at which point is the most opportune time to disclose.

    That's a little extreme. Most relationships don't start off with full disclosure of all secrets and vulnerabilities. There is a process of testing and trusting that occurs until a critical threshold is reached whereby a relationship has passed the initial dating period. 3 dates does a relationship not make.
     
  18. I get what you’re saying and I think you know I’m not advocating for unthought-out disclosures. I do believe the other person has the right to know about a serious issue their partner has BEFORE the point of making serious commitments to each other. Now, that before point is going to vary by couple to couple but you can’t tell me your conscience isn’t formed enough to know when the best time to disclose your partner truly is; I mean most of us have that “you should say something! Say it! It’s not fair to not say anything!” voice in our head compelling us to do the right thing. If you’re ignoring that voice then you’ve waiting too long!
     
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  19. Relationships begin with tons of disclosures. Discussions of fears, strengths, weaknesses, success stuff. How you deal with them. It can be slow opening as you talk about how they view P, how some feel it’s addictive.

    Build relationship slowly, as is so hard sometimes, and add enough info that you both have consent before you plug in and add the full voltage.

    Like @Numb,I knew of an illness of my wife’s and accepted it. Made it easier as it’s effects played out and I rolled with it.

    If you had hiv would you tell?
    Of course you would and some will roll with it.
     
  20. bleong1234

    bleong1234 Fapstronaut

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    I understand the feeling of wanting to know upfront, but maybe advertising it right when you go out on a date with someone might be kinda too far. Dating now seems to have a lot of intricacies and there are plenty of people that are dating several people at the same time. Now I do think if you decide to get anything close to serious then you should disclose it. I look at it this way, if you are committing to each other or getting serious you are admitting to starting a real relationship you need to start it with honesty. But to say you should tell them on the first date may be a little harsh, especially with the way dating happens now.
     

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