Second chance at life

@Banjaxed

Hard position to be in.

Emotional affair or physical affair?

There was an SO question awhile back about whether an SO gets a hall pass to act out due to a PAs behavior. Seemed the answer was that the consequences were high and real. But that doesn’t mean the need for communication, revenge or an outlet wasn’t real.

I know my so and I tend to have lots of same gender friends. Other than her friend’s other amorous actions, having an emotional outlet may be normal, ok AND difficult? Keep working on yourself and connection to her.

You are the father and husband still, but have a lot of ground to cover.
Just keep doing it! (Recovery, that is.)

 

@Banjaxed I know your pain.... that's how I felt when I realized what my husband was doing.

I don't know how long your wife has known about you, but a lot of people say to wait a full year after dday before making any major decision, especially if children are involved.

Good news is, she is in therapy & so are you. I suggest while she's gone this weekend, you write a list of *reasonable* boundaries to protect your own recovery. #1 on that list is no contact with this man. Idc if it's her bestie; she's admitted to having feelings for him so he needs to be cut off. It's just like your porn usage- no good will come of her continuing this relationship. Just like you weren't putting your family first while in your addiction, she is now not putting her family first.
**also, this guy gives me the creeps; your sister & now your wife?! And he's married?!?**

Being an SO does not give us any kind of power & we should never act like it does. Really, that's just being a decent human....nobody should ever make anybody "pay" for their choices in life.
She's traumatized and confused. You can't heal her, but you can provide her an environment to heal in.

Take care of yourself for your kiddos. Search for the meaning in this & learn. Good luck, buddy

 

You're in quite the pickle my friend and I hope you pull through, I really do.

 

That actually sounds really really encouraging. Like she believes that there’s change, and feels safe enough to fall apart. Guard your recovery now, and hold her.

 

Because it bothers you.

It obviously hurts you that she continues to speak to the man she had an affair with (rightfully so). Neither one of you is being honest. You can absolutely put up a boundary for your recovery that she ceases communicating with him. He's not her gay bff from high school; she's had an affair with him.
How do you recover & become a better you, if her behavior is causing resentment?
Be honest. Absolutely nothing wrong with being honest in your feelings.

 

I understand this, but I want to push back a bit, based on what you shared. You say that you want your wife to do this willingly and not out of compulsion. But it seems like in this and many things with her, she’s waiting and needing you to take the lead. It sounds like she needs to know you are truly committed to the relationship, and that you are willing to pursue her and fight for her. A “whatever you want, dear” in the face of a threat to your marriage is NOT a kind and gentle message. It communicates apathy and insecurity. You want to communicate that your marriage is hugely valuable, and that you’re not going to let some other guy provide the intimacy that you want to give her. You want her to be attracted to you, right? It’s attractive to a woman for a man to value and pursue her and rise to any challenge to win her. It’s unattractive to roll over and say “if she wants me, she’ll pick me, and if she wants the other guy, best of luck.”

 

A timely gratitude post.
Good to Mark your time in recovery.
T

 

Hello John McClean. My name is Don. I recently slipped hence my wife and I are in grieving of this. These few words have captured my interest. It is true that our Identity dicipates no matter what we say. I understand that this doesn't make things easier for either of us spouses. However I wonder, as also I've tried it, does Time or is Time the only healing tool we have that can recover our Identities?

 

@Don9087

@John McClean may have left the building for a time.

Trust is earned so what you do is more important that what you say or promise as trust is, hopefully, restablished.

A breach of trust is not removed, but with recovery, communication and a track record, trust can be
re-established.

So yes, with that it takes time...