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Attracted to Married Woman

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. That's quite possible, that she thinks of me as a "work friend". The problem with that is that I don't agree that guys should submit to the "friendzone", maybe I was OK with it before, but not anymore
     
  2. So you are not fair. You behave as a friend, but don't agree with being a friend. You have probably just vivid imagination. And you totally accept friendzone you are in, because you pretend to be a friend and can't stop that kind of relationship.

    After all it is totally okay to have female friends - if you like her you can talk with her, but don't need to be in a relationship. Do you really respect her, if you can't appreciate her company, but think in terms of having her.

    I don't agree with that whole 'friendzone' shittalk.
     
    Jennica and RobbyGo36 like this.
  3. I know you are trying to help and I appreciate that. I think staying in the friendzone is not being fair to myself though. Unfortunately I've only ever thought of women as asexual "friends" and I need to stop that, I need to start going beyond that. I don't agree with the "just be friends" advice anymore

    I feel the need to double-down on practicing dangerous, reckless, yes even delusional confidence in myself and the outcome, in all areas of my life, because the opposite sure hasn't helped. So no I'm not going to get knocked off my game here, now I'm just getting more opportunities to persist which is great. Confidence and persistence are also qualities that I need with my PMO addiction, so thank you for helping build those up.

    I'll be OK, she'll be OK, my job will be OK, her family will be OK. Everything will be OK. Don't worry
     
  4. For sure, like I said it's hard to read the situation from a post you put. Trust me you can find a girls that are awesome. Yes I dnot know your experience at all. Just be aware that the forbidden factor that comes from her being a coworker and also being married makes her seem more attractive and alluring than normal.
     
  5. Your line of thinking doesn't inspire confidence in me, but its ultimately up to you. I'm just trying to say, if I can say it any plainer, that hitting on and flirting with a married woman is kind of a sleaze bag thing to do. Its not cool, it does not make you dangerous and reckless, it makes you pathetic and under-handed. And if that doesn't stir anything in you to stop and set your sights higher, then i don't know what else to say. Please talk this over with a therapist.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2018
  6. Again, I am thankful for your help and I know you care, but the negative adjectives are.... signs of progress. It means I am killing the nice guy in me. I'm sick of morality and appearing "good"
     
  7. David stone

    David stone Fapstronaut

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    A thing i want to point..."attracted to married woman" ..you are attracted to woman.

    The married part is your fantasy, your cover up.

    Think about it...if this colleague would not be married? Imagine her as single without kids,
    What would be the dynamic then? would you act differently, or make a move?

    Would you casually invite her to the theather..just to see if you get along outside workspace?

    Or..would you become not interested in her at all because she is 'available'.

    Answer yourself those questions and tell us if you want. I sincerely think it would bring u some light
     
  8. It's a beautiful thing you have with her. And the situation you are in, and the thoughts you are having can ruin it all. I am not saying that what you feel is right or wrong, but the situation is a precarious one.

    The "FRIEND" part is natural, but the "BOMBSHELL" part is not natural, and I suggest you to take a look at why, how and when it entered the equation.

    The tricky part is that upon you-two, the happiness of many other souls is also hanging by a thread. And the kids have no fault in all this and no kid should go through the kind of sh!tstorm all this can create.

    I agree that you meeting a suitable women is the one viable option available to you. I am not a hypocrite but I do believe that traditional notions are right and you won't find much sweetness in life if you two decide to break the bonds and get along together.

    Best Wishes
    MSH
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Think about you being in the husband's place, this will help you see the bigger picture. You need to let her know you are unavailable and you have to stop talking stuff that is not work related. If she insists, tell her its inappropriate. She will get mad but that's he problem.

    And stop thinking of her or fantasizing about her.

    "Which is why maybe I need to "test" her more, to help her along with making the decision. Of course it would be a very bad idea to do this directly, so I'll have to do it indirectly. "

    This however is messed up dude, you're actually thinking of breaking up a marriage (with CHILDREN). Go to the therapist, you really need it.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Good questions. If she was a single mother, then no I would probably not be interested in her. If I'm being honest, that would definitely change the dynamic. What does that mean?

    I think I understand that to me, "unavailable" women have been more attractive than "available" women, because with unavailable women, the threat of commitment is taken off the table. I have no desire to get married myself, never have, never want to, that's not going to change. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to take marriage seriously. I have no interest whatsoever in finding my own wife. The problem is that single women will try to "lock you down". I don't want that. I'm 35 and I have no qualms about the fact that I'm getting closer to middle age and won't be married. I'm free dammit! Learning to be thankful for it. So as I said earlier, just thinking of her as one "plate" that I'm spinning, it will probably fall off and break but the point is to generate more "plates" (women) to spin. I realize that sounds very objectifying and crude, but to me it's better than idealizing things like women and marriage. And as I've said multiple times here, everything will be OK! Don't worry people! And thank you people for your comments and concern!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2018
  11. I've been reading the Rational Male book series by Rollo Tomassi. That's where I'm getting a lot of my ideas from and I'm trying to apply them to this work relationship. That's where the idea of "plates" comes from. In one of his books he also talks about how women in a marriage or other committed relationship will often have a "Plan B" Man, a "backup" Man in case their relationship with their "Plan A" Man breaks apart. Am I her Plan B Man? I have no idea. There could even be other Plan B Men I don't know about. Often the Plan B Man is in the woman's friendzone, and the Plan A Man will know of the Plan B Man or even be friends with him. This is why being in a woman's friendzone is not a good place, because you are being relegated to "backup" status, the friendship isn't "pure". The friendzone is a way for women to practice their own "plate theory". So while many of my critics on this thread focus only on me and my opinion, I am saying that it's not just me in this equation, it's also her. I'm not capable of breaking up her marriage or family, only she is capable of doing that in this situation. Maybe she's not happy, I have no idea. It does happen, people get unhappy and want a change. Happens all the time. I'm just trying to find out more, most likely nothing's there and she's a plate that will fall off. I just don't want to be relegated to her backup status indefinitely, I don't want to be her "plate" indefinitely
     
    Woodcutter74 likes this.
  12. nadox

    nadox Fapstronaut

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    Read my post here named mixed feelings. My friends at work called this someone work wife too. We had an affair, it ended bad. My advice from someone who’s recovering porn addict and who just went through this is STAY AWAY!!! It will only end in ruin.
     
  13. Hi Nadox, thanks I did just read your thread. Sorry to hear about all that, that's horrible. I will point out one difference with my situation, which is that me and her do not work for the same company, we work for separate agencies that are contracted together. I would for sure never engage in this kind of thing with some one in my same company, that I know would be bad. I don't mean that to discount your well-intended warning in any way though
    I also want to stress my previous points about viewing her as a "plate" according to plate theory. That is what makes this different, I'm trying to treat her as "just another plate", instead of having oneitis for her. I think that will protect me from not only making bad decisions, but also bad consequences as well
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2018
  14. Just writing an update on this here. Haven't had the opportunity to talk to her in a couple weeks, and I'm good with that. Honestly not talking to her fills me with relief. I start to think about her less. Then something happens and we end up talking to each other or seeing each other, and then "bam" I'm temporarily infatuated with her. Like next week we have a meeting at her office scheduled, so I will see her then. As I mentioned earlier, my job duties changed recently, so I have less cases that I work with her, so that is playing a part in the less contact I have with her, and I see this as a good thing. I've been thinking more about other girls that I run in to in my life, than I do about her, and again, that's a good thing

    But still, I wonder what effect this less contact has on her
     
  15. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like there's definitely some sexual tension present in this situation.
     
  16. Yeah. Imagine we've had this work relationship for about exactly eight years, and it's really been the same from day one. But I've never actually talked about it until I got on NoFap a few months ago. So I'm glad I have a place to talk about it, even if my ideas sound crazy. I hope people don't begrudge me my crazy ideas.
     
    Ra's Al Ghul likes this.
  17. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on your self control. So many other people in this situation would've already had an affair by now.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Damn, last night I had a dream about her. We were like hanging out with my relatives. There was one moment when she was wearing short shorts and bent over washing her leg in a small pool, that was pretty sexy. Then I left to go shopping or something, and was anxious about not being with her, needing to get back to her. Then I woke up. Have had much less real life contact with her the last month or so, that's good, I'm fine, but I guess my dreams won't let me escape haha
     
  19. Here's another update. Been pretty quiet with her lately, the most quiet it's been since I started working with her over eight years ago. My new job duties carry me away from her so we have much less contact. I did see her yesterday and it was just short and brief, we had a client with us. Previously, when we'd meet at her office, after our client had left, sometimes either me or her would say we have more things to talk about and so I would stay at her office for a bit, just me and her chatting. That hasn't happened in a while. We haven't talked on the phone in a while. I was feeling a little sad after yesterday's meeting, because I miss having more contact with her, but I know having less contact is for the best. I really did have oneitis for her all these years. That's sad. Why I didn't branch out and meet other women, is something I regret. But during the last several months I have been making efforts to meet other women, especially through Meetup groups, and I can see that is the solution to situations like this. To avoid getting hung up on one person, you have to try to "spread your seed" (figuratively speaking in my case)
     
  20. Valkyrie198800

    Valkyrie198800 Fapstronaut

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    Tldr, if it is what the title implies, dont you dare put your hands on her, coz i know how it felt being in that situation. Go look for someone else, coz the bad consequence of the butterfly effect of that will far outweigh the good.
     
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