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Attracted to Married Woman

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. Thanks, that means a lot to me! :)
     
    Bman101 likes this.
  2. I want to give an update on this thread. More or less the relationship continues to go on as it always has. There have been some changes though. My position at work recently changed so that now I have less cases shared with her. When I told her that we would have less cases together, I could see she was disappointed about it. It means we will have less opportunity to talk and such. I was interested to see what that would mean, how she would react. Earlier this week, she called me about one of the transferred cases, instead of talking to the newly assigned person. There was a semi-crisis with this transferred case. She reminded me (twice) that I have her personal number and could call her after work hours to talk further about it if anything came up. She's never suggested that to me before. I ended up sending her one matter-of-fact text update, all business, from my work phone to her personal phone that evening, didn't get a reply. Today I was at her office for a meeting and we ended up talking, just me and her, for about 20 minutes, this is fairly common for us. I can tell that she just loves talking to me, and I with her, and I think as we have less cases together I think she is missing it and now coming up with excuses to talk to me. Like I've said, I think she is the needier one (and by needy I don't mean in an annoying way). It's intriguing, for sure

    But I've been thinking more lately about the fact that I have to remember her husband in all of this, even though I don't know the guy, and she doesn't talk about him with me. So it's like he's not there, and it plays in to the fantasy that I have with her. Keeping him out of the picture makes it easier to maintain the fantasy that me and her "have a connection". As silly and horrible as it sounds, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've had ongoing divorce fantasies about her. I know that's wildly unrealistic. And I wouldn't want to wish divorce on any guy, because divorce is always worse for the guy than the woman. Why would I want to benefit from that kind of system? Why would I want to fantasize about myself playing a part in that? The answer is that I wouldn't. Because then she would also be devalued to me. So yes I may have the fantasies, but remembering and empathizing with the husband helps bring me back to reality a little bit

    And yes I'm trying to move on and focus on other, available women. It's a slow process for me but it's helping
     
  3. 3nigma

    3nigma Fapstronaut

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    This is why men and women shouldn't work together. You've already devoted way too much thought to this topic. She's taken. Move on.
     
  4. Wow man, this is not helpful. Not even as a joke, which I don't think you intended it as. Do you fully understand whats going on here? If he pursued this it could potentially 1) wreck a marriage 2) leave him with tremendous guilt 3) Endanger his job, where it WILL spill over to. This is not some PMO fantasy, its real life with real people involved. Show some respect. Encouraging him to act against his interests tells me you have little empathy. Either try to offer help or don't say anything at all please.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2018
    Rehab101, Hitto, Bman101 and 3 others like this.
  5. Once again, glad to be able to talk about this here, appreciate the input
     
  6. David stone

    David stone Fapstronaut

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    It was a joke actually, and it is sad that you thought that the creator of this thread would be influnced by that comment. The thing is... even if it were to influence him that would be good.

    Losing a female friend would be tough, losing your job and reputation even worse, take some beating from husband also worse, breaking that family even worse.

    But he would face reality. Im quite sure he s imagining waaay more than it is actualy going on. This guy needs to wake up!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. First off I think it's great you are working to improve yourself kaizen style.

    Prepare yourself. I'm going to give a huge honesty bomb here...

    I'm going to have to say no, there is absolutely nothing here and you should move on. This is based off of the info you have provided. If there is more to the story or something then I'm all ears. 1. She is married with kids. 2. You have never dated anyone so you don't know what the hell you are doing and have little experience on how to handle or read this situation. 3. You don't know if she even sees you that way or just sees you as a coworker. It could be all in your head and you might be projecting things. 4. You work together, could end up bad.

    Sorry man but this is a work relationship. I don't know why you keep saying you have a relationship with this women. You are talking like you had sex with her or something. I don't know details so I can't tell if what you are saying is based off of anything or just in your head (she is being needy how?) It sounds like you are projecting a lot. From what you have said and what info you give there is absolutely nothing here. I worry that you are setting yourself up for massive failure. Correct me if you think I'm wrong. I think you would be better off dating one of the millions of single women out there. That are not married. That you don't work with. I'm not sure your age compared to hers. I have dated a coworker once it ended up horribly. I also did it when I had little or no dating experience. I ducked it up and I had to see her every day. I was a complete idiot with women and handling that situation at the time. I'm in a completely different place now than before. There are so many women out there. I'm not sure your age. I would just relax, form a group of friends, start going to bars or clubs or meeting people out and about and meeting women that will have no impact on your professional life if things go sour, date a couple of women. Then you will start understanding women and relationships more. If you have no experience dating or anything, it's going to be hard to read situations and know what's going on with women and how to handle certain situations. You might get minipulated. You might get needy. You might do everything perfect. Who knows I don't I don't know anything about you. But this is just my reaction to your post. Once again I hope you keep improving everything.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2018
  8. I am married. I occasionally flirt with several women where I work. Although there may be some underlying mutual attraction, I have no intention of getting involved with any of them and I assume that none are interested in me. It is just for fun.
    In my experience, when there is a strong mutual attraction, people come together spontaneously.. The body language and subconscious signals just pull people together when there is strong chemistry. If there were real chemistry here, 8 years would not have passed without a hookup.
     
  9. Thank you %32, great post. I have worried a lot about the idea that there is nothing really there, and that it's all in my head. Because I don't have a lot of experience with women and have a bad track record with that kind of thing. I have thought about the possibility that she is manipulating me to get what she wants from me and make her job easier. All that could be true. Essentially, what it has been is a great work relationship, where we do have great work chemistry and communication with each other. It has always been work-related, never crossed that boundary. In fact, I feel really proud of myself that I have never crossed that boundary before with her, because in the past with other women at work I have crossed that boundary and never went well. I have exercised restraint with her, that I didn't with other women at work in the past. You also might be underestimating me and what's going on here! :D

    All I'm saying is that as I'm learning to "practice my Game" with women, I can practice with single women, and also with her as well. Experimenting if you will. Like I press this little button here, and then see what the result is. Like for example, I'm trying to not be as predictable with her. I've been trying to tease her a little more, flirt a little more, be cocky a little more. Just to see what happens. I'm confident that I'm not going to muck things up with her like I have with women in the past. I'm really not so attached to her. As I've said before, I could walk away, never have contact with her again, and I'd be fine. I don't know if the same could be said of her, and I'm trying to find that out. What would that mean? It's fascinating! I know I've spent a lot of time on this thread talking about it, but that's because I'm an analytical guy and to me this situation is interesting from an intellectual/philosophical perspective.

    I've also been thinking about WHAT IF the opportunity for an affair presents itself. What would I do? I know no one is going to be able to openly tell me to go for it on here. Obviously it's "the wrong" thing to do. But that's just it! That's why it's becoming more attractive to me! I've lived my life being so predictable, so dull, boring, "by the rules", that "firebombing" my life (as someone put it) actually sounds somewhat appealing. "Breaking Bad" if you will. You only live once. Shocking I know. Now it's obviously going to depend on her, her life situation, what she wants, if she is looking for some excitement as well. I don't know any of that. I may find out. I'm not wedded to the outcome though

    Yes I know I need to focus on single, available women, and I've been trying to do that more. And as I do that, paradoxically it also makes me better with her! Single women appear more like schlubs compared to her, if I'm being honest, because they don't have the same "social proof" that she does. I think that's a natural attraction dynamic. Going through the long, hard slog of dating and meeting single women just seems kind of "dull" and probably not worth the effort. I know I shouldn't look at it like that, because learning different "Game" and dating skills is important in-itself, so that's why I'm doing it. I think I can do both, get better with single women, and get better with my "work-wife" ;)

    Anyways, these are just the thoughts going through my brain. Sorry if they are too shocking to utter. Appreciate all the feedback! Have at it!
     
  10. Sounds good when you say it that way. A little flirting is good fun and it gets you in the habit of loosening up and being spontaneous around women.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. Yes I agree, I have to become more loosened up and spontaneous around women, but also just socially in general. I've come across this idea of "social freedom", which is basically just being able to do whatever the hell you want and say whatever you want around other people, in public. Because for whatever reason, I have been socially conditioned to be the opposite, I have all kinds of subconscious mental "rules" and behavior sets that keep me in my bubble around other people. This interferes with my ability to approach women, but also just be fun and have a good time with other people. Often when I go out with other people, or there are women around that I could be approaching, I feel like I'm just "an observer". I noticed this last night when I went out. I'm happy that I've started to go out more, socialize more, because it's made me aware of what my problem is, what I really need to work on. It's about crossing all those little boundaries that for whatever reason I've been afraid to cross. NoFap has made me more opinionated and I can see that part of my "recovery" is about overcoming a lot of my own personal "sacred cows". My relationship with my co-worker is one example. Even though there a million reasons why I should continue "business as usual" with her, it is more important for me to approach it with a "reckless confidence" regardless of outcome, and this needs to become my approach with everything in life. I think most people are more "reckless" when they are younger and then "mature" or "mellow" as they get older. Not me. I've had it backwards. I need to do the opposite. Good thing is that I don't have a wife or kids to worry about if I happen to make "bad" decisions so I guess it's good after all that I don't have these things and have "room to maneuver"
     
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  12. Yes! There is no "you" outside of the situation actng on it. You are the situation. When you stop thinking about what to do, you can pay attention to what is actually happening and let it flow.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. I’m still following this thread and I commented earlier.

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. It sounds stupid but I still think of the married woman I was infatuated with. I still have her gifts she gave me and I still eat Nestle Coffee Crisps which makes me think of her. She used to give them to me all the time.

    She ghosted me which is a good thing. I need to get her out of my head. But to be honest I still can’t. She was the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I will consider myself extremely lucky if I ever find a single woman with her great character who is also interested in me.

    Maybe it’s immature on my part which I certainly won’t deny. I’m still way behind others when it comes to women due to my clinging onto porn for 40 years. I’m leaving porn behind and interacting with women more and more so hopefully that will help me grow up in this area.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. Hi Hope, appreciate your comments. I think someone commented earlier about how all of these kinds of problems wouldn't exist if men and women didn't work together. Well, that's obviously not a realistic solution in this day and age. Maybe it wasn't a problem back when men worked and women stayed at home. But we live in a different time. I also think it's stupid when people say "just get over her", as if men and women who work together can just "turn off" their attraction. No, the parameters of your job force you into these kinds of "relationships". It's funny because I used the term "work wife", and I think that's really a relatively new, and real, kind of relationship between men and women, historically speaking. It comes with a whole new set of problems. Good luck trying to find a job where you're not going to be interacting with women. You can't. And you shouldn't. This is where I think it's important to "de-pedestalize" the woman. We think that because she's married that she's "untouchable". That's what keeps her on the pedestal, and keeps us infatuated with her. The work relationship changes the dynamic with the married woman, because it's not something we can simply "opt out of". Having our own woman would most certainly help. However, we can't just snap our fingers and make that happen. And the "work-wife on the pedestal" interferes with our assessments of single, available women, because "they can't possibly compare". So, how to de-pedestalize? Well, for me, it's doing what I said in my recent posts, which is treating her like a woman that I'm attracted to, not letting the fact that she's married hold me back, crossing that boundary, overcoming that "sacred cow", and also incidentally being mindful of her "flaws". It's actually about you taking power back in the relationship. Because when she is on that pedestal, when her marriage is that "sacred cow", then she has all the power over you. Where it gets thorny of course, is the potential consequences to your job, her marriage, her family, etc. You're really caught between a rock and a hard place. I think the smart, intelligent man will be able to find a way to make it all work out OK in the end. You're health and well-being depends on it
     
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  15. I get the 'forbidden relationship' aspect of it for you, but you've got to keep in mind how skewed your head is right now. How much you've built up your expectations around this one woman. Think about it, if you were flirting with an available woman every day, would you still give a damn about this married co-worker?

    And don't let this married chick be your litmus test for how well you can approach and relate to a woman, thats a dead-end my friend. I'm going to disagree with a lot of people here. It is not healthy to go around thinking she is your 'work wife'. This is delusional thinking. If she's your work wife, then try introducing her as that to one of your other colleagues. See what reaction you get. Even one better, knock on her husbands door and check out his thoughts on the subject. He may have a few words.

    It is possible to acknowledge these feelings for this woman to yourself, but respect her status as a married woman and not admit them. This isn't abnormal, its mature and necessary.

    Believe me, coming from another guy with low self-esteem, there are plenty of women in the world. Plenty of willing, able, giving, loving women looking for a relationship. If I can do it, you can do it, but you have to stop flirting with this married woman and get out there. You won't move on unless you do. I know you can do it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2018
    Jennica likes this.
  16. Hi Robby, thanks for your input on this thread. I know you are just trying to look out for me. Don't worry. I am not going to fuck this up. There is a huge difference between this and other co-worker crushes I've had in the past, where in the past I've made incredibly stupid mistakes, admitting my feelings to female co-workers with boyfriends, etc. I've played this one differently for eight years and not screwed it up. And as a result it is a more substantial work relationship. I do want to defend the concept of the work-wife, it is real, of course I don't think of her as my wife, there is a difference. The problem is that I didn't get to choose working with her, being partners with her, is it really that surprising that a man and woman wouldn't develop some kind of attraction in such a relationship? Regardless of if she's married or not. People in marriages get unhappy, bored, cheat in little ways all the time. Hell no I wouldn't introduce her as my work-wife to my co-workers! Hell no I wouldn't knock on her husband's door! I would never do anything overt with her. That would kill everything. The point is, if there really is something there, have her come to me by covertly seducing her, I feel like I have seen a little bit of that. Now for eight years I've been totally asexual with her (and with all women) so there's been no spark of any kind. I'm only recently learning how to be more seductive so maybe I'll find out something's there, or not. It sure is more fun looking at it this way! And the challenge adds to the excitement! But yeah there might also be nothing there.
    I agree that if I was flirting with or seducing other women, I wouldn't care as much about her and my thinking has been skewed. But paradoxically if I was doing those things with other women, my sexual market value would be higher, potentially making me more attractive to her, and my skills would be better, potentially making me better at attracting her. I've come across this idea of "plate theory" which says that each woman in your life is a "plate" that you are spinning, essentially every woman is a potential "option", having or implying you have plates creates competition anxiety in women, and some plates might fall off and break. So I guess I'm seeing her more as a "plate" that I'm spinning, that'll probably fall off and break. The point is that the more plates you spin, the more options you have, the less attached to any one plate you are, the more skillful you become at picking up more plates. But yeah I need to pick up more plates, I agree 100%, working on it. Hope that makes sense, and again appreciate the input
     
  17. You're probably a good guy, but you're making excuses for keeping your emotional relationship with her going. %32 is right, you don't even know if there are reciprocated feelings at her end. And even if they are, we've already established, and you've agreed, that this wouldn't be appropriate to pursue, so please just stop. Recognize this 'relationship' as part of your addiction and get help with moving on from it.[/QUOTE]
     
  18. But theres no gurantee he would face reality this way. Plenty of people out there go from one personal disaster to the next without seeing what part they had to play in it or why. I'm certainly not exempt either. In any case, its an awful price to ask the other people involved to pay for the cost of someones personal revelation.
     
  19. I'm tripling down on everything I've said! I'll be fine. Things'll be fine
     
  20. I have only one question : Haven't you allow the possibility that she like you as a friend, but does not consider as a potential partner?

    My female friends often complain that guys who seem to be a good candidate for a friend starts to behave weirdly. Like "I was sure that he is my mate and he was trying to kiss me or think we are going to bed. WTF?"
     
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