Freedom Fighter

I've been battling PMO addiction for practically as long as I've been using it (14 years old). I knew I was digging a hole for myself as a teenager, but in my ignorance believed that as I matured sexually I would be MORE in control of my impulses. Little did I realize, I was stunting my sexual maturity. This has been a painful realization for me and has often been a source of despair and depression for me. Often I feel like I've lost a lot of time and possibly opportunities to meet my spouse. I've dated plenty of women but never saw any of them as the one, I have no doubt that PMO addiction has been a barrier to me in seeing the women in my life as beautiful and wonderful as they truly are. That's a piece of my background, that's my past, but it is not my future.

I have tried multiple approaches to breaking my addiction. I am a Catholic-Christian and early on I believed that if I simply made a lot of time for God and prayed often that eventually the desire for perverse habits such as PMO would simply fade away and that battle would be won via developing combative good habits. Then I started an accountability group with some college buddies when we all discovered we were struggling with the same thing and wanted to self-improve. We met often and tried somethings but we really could have used the wisdom of someone that had found freedom. We still talk now in a group chat and provide some accountability but we all live in different cities across the U.S. now. When I moved for grad school I began seeing a counselor and joined a non-denominational Christian recovery group led by a local ex-pastor who struggled with sex addiction. The counseling was surprisingly unhelpful, but maybe my expectations were a little too high. Although he was certified in sex addiction, he didn't help me realize anything of which I wasn't already aware. The recovery group is awesome but I travel a lot for work so it's hard for me to attend regularly.

All of these things I've attempted to build have not singularly solved the problem or healed my addiction, I think each time I added something new my hope was renewed and I believed it would be the missing piece. I would experience some newfound freedom or streak with each new component I added to my recovery arsenal but was crushed when it wasn't the switch I hoped it would be.

I think all of these habits are true and good to an extent but are no more than ancillary support to willpower and reordering your desires, nothing can completely replace flexing, accepting pain with an open heart, and weathering the storm of life. Good habits support your willpower and strengthen that muscle so that when the temptation arises you are in fact strong enough to resist and perhaps redirect your sexual energy to productive habits.

My resolve is fixed, I will bear any pain, crush every urge, and purge any weakness in my flesh.

 

Thank you! I need to post more consistently I think that will help. Documenting my recovery and pain is a must