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Please help

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by cracker86, Sep 19, 2018.

  1. cracker86

    cracker86 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi I’m new here, I’m probably going to rant as I’m extremely upset with my partner of 13 years! We are 30 and 31 have 3 children and our niece also lives with us.

    2 and half weeks ago I found out he’s been watching P for a long time sometimes a few times a day, sometimes he has a break for a few days, I need to and want to know everything as I feel sick to my stomach.


    What’s wrong with me?


    He only looks at images and gifs, can this be an addiction?


    Most of it is teen P, is this something to worry about?


    I also found he’s tried to search one of my friends naked! How should I feel about that?


    He has not ever paid for anything or spoken to anyone I have been through everything.


    I’m driving myself insane with it all.


    I want to help him but it feels like he’s been “cheating” and lying for so long I can’t get passed it.


    I’ve got so much going on in my brain I don’t know how to stop it please help.


    He is 100% adamant that he will never do it again and he has got amazing will power, but can I believe him?


    Should we still have sex?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2018
    Contentful T likes this.
  2. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I think you're asking, "am I lacking in some way which caused my husband to watch P"?
    NO. Addicts use P because there is something "going on" with themselves not their partners.

    I think you might have better luck getting feedback to your questions if you posted them in this section:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/partner-support.32/
     
  3. cracker86

    cracker86 New Fapstronaut

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  4. All the best. In short he sounds like he has a problem in some way shape or form with porn use. Most of us here on this forum do hence our presence.

    I realise the trust issues it causes having caused many myself with my relationship so I can understand your angst but dependimg on where his head is at he might not be ready to admit it or address it.

    In short it tskes patience and understanding from a partner and not to minimise your hurt but you are both going to likeky require some help to address this.

    All the best
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    First start with “ your brain on porn “
    There’s a ton of resources on this forum .
    It’s not YOU . There’s nothing wrong with YOU . He most likely has a porn addiction, even if it’s only sexually explicit images . And if he doesn’t you are lucky enough to catch it before it comes to that ! Will power won’t work . I suggest signing him up for xxxchurch 30 days of emails . For yourself look into the free course on BLOOM . You are likely to have betrayal trauma at some point if you don’t already . Search FANOS on here too , he’s likely not going to be comfortable talking about this subject , we do FANOS once a week and it has a sobriety/struggle check in which is a huge help ( we are 18 months DDAY ) talk to someone you trust , DO NOT KEEP IT IN . Do you WANT to have sex ? Most here would recommend a 30/60/90 day reboot depending on how long he’s been addicted .
     
    Numb, Hopefulgirl and Jason_Tesla_19 like this.
  6. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Hello Mrs. Cracker. Nothing is wrong with you. Your spouse sounds like he is plagued with a nasty compulsion that he should seek help for that is all. Not your fault, and I am not the one to blame him.

    I would recommend starting a thread similar to this in this section, but welcome to NoFap while you are in this section:

    www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/rebooting-in-a-relationship.14

    Yes gifs and images can be an addiction. I mainly used those as compared to videos myself.

    No you cannot believe him, but you can ask for visible results and set boundaries you manage.
     
  7. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Firstly the details often do not matter when it comes to fapping to pixels. What is made available on the public internet is a societal problem, it is not his fault for looking at a certain genre on the clearnet hosted legally.

    It is all too common to see one delve into genres based on age, this does not mean anything necessarily but obviously this is not the way a mature, healthy adult should be behaving, hence I said seek help. If he can change, and he has to, as help is only help it does not do the work of changing for us, then I am sure he can regain his sound judgment and live as a healthy, rational, respectful gentleman.
     
  8. WasZeusWrong?

    WasZeusWrong? Fapstronaut

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    Hi, Cracker86. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I imagine it feels like a terrible betrayal of your relationship. In this situation, I'm like your partner, the one with the problem. From that POV, I urge you to have some compassion for your partner. Not saying you should give him a pass, but please bear in mind that this is a horrible addiction and he almost certainly wants to stop. He's ashamed. Support each other. Nothing's wrong with you. Just a tough situation.
     
    BetterGreen and Deleted Account like this.
  9. Stay with him it's not his fault hes addicted thats what porn does it affects many men
     
    hardowner likes this.
  10. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    First let me say how terribly sorry I am that you are going through all this. Know this: it is NOT your fault. He is making selfish poor choices with no regard to you. It isn't about YOU no matter how he may spin it. I am so so sorry.

    What is currently is wrong with you is you've just had a terrible disclosure and are suffering betrayal trauma. It is a discusting sickening feeling that affects ever part of your mind and heart. The principles you value most in life (trust, security, intimacy) just got jolted to the very core of no fault of your own. It is difficult. But NOT your fault.

    he probably tries to see lots of women naked. They are objects to him for his own self gratification. It's all discusting and disturbing. I'm sure he feels shame over it.


    It feels like he has been cheating, because he has been. You didn't sign up for him checking out other women and lusting for these teens. He has deeper issues he will have to work through if he is truly committed to overcoming his problem. You can't do it for him. Only time will tell how serious he really is. Hang in there!

    Classic "busted" phrase. I quit pornography for good like 150 times in my life. I was 100% sure I would never do it again, Until the next time. He will need real help to quit. Promises are shallow excuses to keep him in his addiction cycle.

    Only you can answer that. You first need to know if there has been any other partners and any STI are in affect. Your health is important. 2ndly don't have sex just to try and establish normal and reconnect since there's been a breach in trust. Fix the trust first. Also you may strangely be enticed to act out sexy behaviors to "compete" with the other girls he has viewed. DONT succomb to this self disrespect. You are better than that. Those girls will never have what you have, it's all fantasyland for him. You are real. You owe him nothing. Also don't be manipulated by him either to feed his addiction. I honestly would recommend 2 weeks no bedroom for both of you and then re evaluate.

    Anyway it's a tough road you're now on. Know that there is hope nd healing. Treat yourself right, the madness will end. Hang in there. I am so sorry for this. Best of luck.
     
    kropo82, Numb and Hopefulgirl like this.
  11. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am sorry you are going through this. I am a PA and have been with my girlfriend @Numb for over 16 years and I am finally seriously wanting to stop PMOing. I want our relationship and not the other crap. She has stayed with me though all of this nonsense and know she truly loves me in every way. I want to finally do what is right and move forward which is happening day by day but it take s a lot of work and patience. If he is saying he will just stop and he has the will power he is full of it, I thought this way and it never worked for me. Most people on here will probably tell you the same thing. My gf @Numb has a lot of useful information on here, so if you are interested read though her stuff, you will get a lot from it, I promise you that. Good luck and definitely do what is best for you and your family. Take care.
     
    Numb and Trappist like this.
  12. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    This is something that worried me when my husband told me what porn he had been watching... along with step daughter/step father porn... and you mentioned you have a niece living with you. With my experiences as a teenager with my uncles and with my husband admitting to fantasizing about my daughter (his step daughter), I feel like it IS something to worry about, but I know that teen porn is rampant and that most PA's have watched that genre and that teen bodies are on their arrousal template which is seriously sick. Protect your girls.. kids actually, boys aren't necessarily safe... I HATE PORN!
     
    hope4healing and Nugget9 like this.
  13. Shahil

    Shahil Fapstronaut

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    Really it is a very tough time for you.Made him to feel the guit and regret. Make him to realize that he is doing wrong.Once
    he admit that he is guilty then it will be me easy that he will try to quit this addiction.By watching this most of the men became desentize to porn.means they think it is a common thing all men do.etc etc.try to support him to quit this addiction.Even i am trying to quit my addiction since 2016.still on the process of quiting.Good luck
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2018
    hardowner likes this.
  14. Dogmana

    Dogmana Fapstronaut

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    If he really wants to stop you can put accountability softeare on his phone house pc and devices and if he has a work pc that too. If he really doesn't want to do it anymore this will help alot and give you some peace of mind.
     

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