Sex after baby

Don't you just want to beat your head into a wall sometimes? I really do feel bad that he just doesn't see the bigger picture here. He's projecting; his view on the OP speaks volumes.
I hope he comes back to comment when he figures out that men, PAs, murders, squirrels all have needs & there is absolutely nothing wrong at voicing frustration at not having those met.

 

@Jak3 sorry for speaking for you....

but Jak knows he has needs. Now, he is working on his codependency, that was actually one of his homework assignments! But I think what he meant (at least how I took it) when he mentioned being alone and parenting is that it would be very difficult and it would also be either traumatic/confusing/unfair to the kids, so if a parent is going to be absent due to a job, they better spend time with their kids before leaving kinda thing.... at least that's how I read it....

 

There are consequences to breaking boundaries, not the act of cheating. Boundaries are set because of the cheating.

I checked that site daily to monitor my progress in pregnancy. I know enough about that site, that if that's the only place you're getting statistics from, you've got some googling to do....some, if not most of those women are batshit, IMO.

I'd suggest talking to Jak about not making it appear to be the consensus of the world's population when trying to convey his message....
I know you'll figure it out...
Recognize good advice from bad. You're hurt; we all are. Don't get sucked into that mind frame. When you do, you will find yourself looking for anything to make you feel validated and not be open to a world of healing... A really freeing world.
Good luck...I see how much you invest in your relationship

 

He wants sex, sex isn't happening. Therefore he waned things to change. Complaint. And he does have criticisms towards his wife. You're right there shouldn't be any criticisms in marriage.

 

Actually the normal consequence to cheating is the partner leaving or having a separation or entering therapy.... so there is an actual consequence to cheating. Sometimes that can include getting STD's or unwanted pregnancies....


And aside from his friends, he does work with full grown adults who use that language... so it's not every one but it's a lot. I have yet to meet a man who doesn't say one of the following towards women: bitch, cunt, whore, slut, crazy.... so that's my experience... for what that's worth...

 

Yep, sums it up. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

 

Honestly, the only thing that made/is making husband break his co-dependent behavior, is us abstaining from literally everything. I'm sleeping in another room to help him learn to depend on himself during times of weakness. We're almost at the end of our 30 days & it's by far been one of the most difficult things we've done as individuals and as a couple. The amount of growth we've had has been mind blowing. I'm convinced, couples that are still here years later wondering why nothing is working, is because they are still being co-dependent. You might consider abstaining and no touch for 10 days. If you make it, go another 10. Try and get to 30. I promise it will be worth it, from a SO point of view.

 

@cakeinacrisis I've been in this game for 2.5 years and trust me there have been period with no sex (4 months of postpartum) and we've done some separations, and taken lots of time... and there is a new plan and at the end of September I might be in the guest room indefinitely... so trust me, I've done pretty much everything. I've read every book, done the worksheets, done therapy, etc. And the thing is I can survive without my husband, I don't need him. I want him, I love him, but don't need him. Jak is doing his own self-work in regards to being okay without me. He isn't there yet, but working on it... so that's all one can ask is for both parties to put 100% effort into the relationship.

 

A consequence would be divorce; if the SO chooses to stay, boundaries replace that consequence of divorce. It's not a consequence to go to therapy; going to therapy is a boundary set by the SO, who has made a choice to stay. Breaking the boundary of not attending therapy would result in a consequence.
Be careful in confusing consequences & results of actions

 

Wow. Good thing neither of you are in the military where they go away for months, even years at a time.

Or single parents.

 

I understand what you're saying @cakeinacrisis I do. I guess to me it's clear that if a person chooses to betray their spouse knowingly, they know the consequence is either the relationship is ending, or that they are going to get help to keep the relationship afloat.

Yes, boundaries happen when one chooses to stay. Boundaries create a safety for the SO/betrayed while remaining in an unclear/unsafe relationship

 

Or, he's looking for advice?

 

@EyesWideOpen Yeah, I originally wanted to go into the FBI when we met, but then he mentioned how he wanted kids and I said once I had kids I would not be able to do any job where I risk my life, I just wouldn't want to have my kid worry about me or my husband. And yeah, I am happy that I don't have to travel for my work, I do like being a SAHM/WAHM. It's easier with two people putting in effort to take care of a house. One person is doable, but teamwork always is nice at the end of the day to get things done

 

Of course we PA's have needs. However, sex is not a need. OP is complaining about lack of sex, then criticizes his SO. Obviously OP has not provided, or doesn't know why his SO only has sex while he's asleep. Perhaps if he was more concerned with his wife's feelings on the subject he would know why. Instead he's more concerned with the fact that sex is while he is asleep and not awake where he can actually enjoy it.

 

Don't forget to just stop & live life....jak knows the consequences to your boundaries; let him sink or swim. Do you for a little bit (anything else unrelated to PA & all that comes with it). You have constant reminders, I would assume, seeing as you run a magazine based on PA. What else do you like to do that is seperate from sex, addiction, healing, & so on? Rediscover those likes. Give your mind a break.

 

Trust me @cakeinacrisis I have lots of things I do to do my life. I have my magazine, internship, school, being a mom, etc. I honestly worry sometimes I do too much of my own thing to avoid getting hurt again... so I am doing my best to balance my life and taking time to have our life... Money is tight right now so we can't do some of those things we did when we met, but once we have money again I'd like to go on a bowling date (that was our first date and I kicked his ass! )

 

Yes! I was thinking death... there are men & women who have been given no choice BUT to be a single parent. Co-dependency for a man must be hard...almost taboo. Society presents it as a "female only" problem.

 

If you're willing to admit that intimacy is a need for a woman, in a marriage, you need to be able to admit that for some people, sex is a need, too. If it's not for you, that's fine, but for some people it is. Do you think intimacy is a need? Because for a lot of men, sex is the primary way in which they experience intimacy. So you're basically telling them intimacy isn't a need, it's just a want, and they should be perfectly fine with going without it.

Sorry dude, I would I would be freaking OUTRAGED if I woke up to my husband having sex with me, especially if he always denies sex during the day when I actually ask for it. Asking your spouse for sex and being denied is hurtful in a lot of ways. It makes you feel like you're not desired. And then to wake up to being taken advantage of? Maybe it makes me a bad person in your eyes, but in that moment, I wouldnt really give two shits about what my husband is feeling. I would be pissed. Far more pissed than this guy was.

 

You're young, Jak...you have plenty of learning to do, & I mean that sincerely.