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Anguish and anxiety challenge

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Vedas_fr, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone.
    As i write this, i am feeling quite low. Lately, i have been undergoing a surge of stress and anxiety, even anguish, because i had to make very important decisions for my life direction. Overall i felt unable to make a choice, always hesitating and worrying.
    I will not describe my issues in detail, as it would turn out to be pointless in the end.
    Let's just say that i am 29 yrs old, don't know exactly what direction to take, and have not achieved much in my life because when i was 20 i had huge depression and anxiety issues. It took me 9 years to heal most of it but i still am an insecure personnality, even though i dislike to admit it. I feel like i have made strong personnal change, evolution, but my outter life (work, relationships, etc...) is quite close to 0. I am worried about my future.

    I mean these kind of things are not a discovery for me but lately, i realized that despite all my very important mental and emotional progress overall i was still a mess.

    Right now, my main issue is that my fickle and anxious mind is blocking my personnal and spiritual evolution. A few days ago, i sat down in silence and realized how scared and unstable i still was. I just can't take it anymore, it's not possible to keep on like this, i want to change radically. I know this website is about nofap, and many young people are here about their sexuality but if you step back you will realize everything is connected.

    This anxiety and instability is totally preventing me from moving on with my life. If i let my mind dwell with its fears, i just become messed up very quickly and lose sleep. The next day i am just fucked up, and don't want to see anyone or do anything. It is extremely unpleasant. It is like some kind of "spiritual" defect that is destroying me, or making me stagnate.
    Because of this, i do not have a career, do not have a relationship, do not have friends.
    I am not always like that, and sometimes i am confident and do interesting things but eventually i am going to spin for some reason, even more if i have to take an important decision.

    Anyways, as i sat realizing how weak and unstable i actually was, and how it was blocking me in every aspect of my life, i made a conscious decision to become mindful and not let myself be anxious and hesitant anymore. It worked for 2 days and a half, i started sleeping well again but boom last night still went in for a loop. Lost my sleep. Everytime i am faced with a real decision or real issue it seems i just can't react otherwise. I am so weak.

    So the challenge is about being mindful, aware of my mental weaknesses and manage to stay "clean" for period of times, no matter what my mind is telling me, because worries and fears are always begging for your attention. To sum up, not allow myself to build up negativity and anxiety in order to stay mentally balanced and sleep well.

    Goals :
    7 days - wood
    15 days - bronze
    30 days - silver
    90 days - gold
    180 days - platinum
    A year - diamond

    I am kind of a spiritual inclined person and i do realize this is my karma, because of my history i became like this and it was MUCH worst before, so there is still positive in my progress. But i really need to do more regarding this mental issue.
    If you want to join or have some kind of mutual support / psychotherapy you are welcome. I will try to update as much as i can.

    Thanks to the community
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
  2. eduardkoopman

    eduardkoopman Fapstronaut

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    Reading your post.
    Indecision, is often also a big cause of stress/anxiety. Because one keeps worrying. Also don't forget, indecision is also a decision (to do nothing)
    What I like to do, when it comes to decisions. Small decisions I try to make quick and with gut feeling. Big(ger) decisions, I try to collect some information, opinions, and then make a decision. And sometimes that decision may also include postponement, and that's also okay.
    To add my view on this statement.
    Good to not be hestitant anymore, especially for someone being bad or to much passive on making decisions. Imo, also giving yourself the freedom to take more time for a decision or postpone a decision for x amount of time (because wanting to see if the data/situation changes automatically), is a type of freedom one must also allow oneself. Hesitation is often unhelfull, but sometimes also helpfull. So imo it is not something that should be total of the table.

    Being anxious. Really difficult to not feeling that ever. Because anxious feelings, are a mind-biological hardwired things to try to motivate us to be alert and do something to change the situation. Actually anxiousness, is a very helpfull biological tool for survival. Anxiousness feel crappy, unpleasant and so on; but that is ofcourse no concern of our biology which is something that wants so survive (and replicate). And doesn't care about (to it) irrelevant things like happiness or feeling good.
     
  3. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Yes you are right definitively right about indecision. Sometimes just making a decision is a relief. The problem i have is that even if make a decision, i get some ugly anguish that might pop up and trouble me after it. This has happened many times in my life. The problem is not so much making a decision, it is living with without losing my mind. I am also stressed because i don't have a career yet, but i decided to spend a year abroad doing small jobs. It troubles me. I wonder if i am not doing something stupid, if i am not wasting my potential.
    I loved a girl but was so afraid of getting involved and all its potential consequences, was so nervous, that i just sent everything to hell. I made a big depression after a while as i realized how stupid and weak i had been, but at the same time i was right to do so because i would not been able at the time to cope with a relationship.
    There is something wrong with me, but because i have made big progress in the last years, i didn't realize it and thought everything was fine. It is not so.

    I am a spiritual sensitive person, and i instinctively know how badly it affects my evolution, personality, and even body. Just having those anxieties for 20 mins is enought to stress my mind and body to the point of losing sleep if it happens a few hours before bedtime. I know i have to change and i will, i just don't want it to take 10 more years. I have a constant weight on my chest, which by the way is even deformed by this pressure as i have a hollow sternum.

    Everything is related, and if i am that way now, this is because of how i used to be in the past and the experiences i had. Also anxiety and hesitation are deeply related.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
  4. I am in a similar place as you. I am 28 years old and I have suffered from extreme social anxiety throughout my entire 20's. I also have no career, no girlfriend, and no friends. To top it all off, I still live with my parents. This social anxiety has truly stunted my growth and progress as a person. I want to be free of it or at least learn to cope/coexist with it. I just started meditating today and I think it will help me in the long run.

    I want to participate in your challenge and try to control my negative and irrational anxiety inducing thoughts. Good luck to the both of us.
     
  5. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Hi Moonborn

    You are more than welcome to participate in the challenge, but you will have to define exactly what are your goals.

    I know that failure in life is not because of failure itself, but because something is wrong within you. When you will manage to change that, you will start having success where you were once failing.
    Anxiety is a vague term, in my case i was a heavy sufferer of insomnia until i found out how to escape those cycles and problems by learning to rebalance my body and mind on a daily basis. Social anxiety is just anxiety as a whole, because you are not at ease in your own mind and life. I have experienced some extreme form of this in the past however now i am much more confident with people.
    However, some situations still create big tensions and turmoils that i struggle to rebalance, but i have made progress.
    the key is regular rest and mindfulness of your own state of mind/being.
     
    Hitto and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Hi! It's difficult to give elaborate answers since i don't know the more detailed story (that's ok). However, some things caught my attention in your writings.

    First of all, i saw you using words like stupid and weak about yourself, so there seems to be self loathing to some degree. I'd ask you to try to be more compassionate towards yourself, difficult as it may sound. There's nothing wrong in feeling worry and anxiety; they all carry their own wisdom to you. Often great changes come after painful transformation. So i do not know if you do this or not, but for example, many people often feel ashamed about the fact that they experience shame (they feel shame, and when they become aware of that, they try to quickly hide that shame as if it was wrong to feel it). And often the thing in such cases of emotional suffocating is trying to find a way to accept that these feelings exist, and let them be expressed in amounts one can handle at given time, and listening to the deeper message of that feeling.

    It is not usually the fear itself that keeps us from doing things or making decisions, it's being afraid about fear. I can't recall the name in this moment, but i remember reading about an actor who had tremendous stage fright before every single one of his performances, for the whole of his career. He used to throw up before his acts, yet he did his performances.

    Also, try to ask questions for the parts of yourself regarding these issues, and have an open heart to listen to the answers. Like why is it that you don't want to wait another 10 years to make progress in your outer world? What is the main reason behind this thought? There might be some obvious reasons like it is painful to wait for so long, but there can be some unrecognized fears behind too.

    During those years when you healed yourself, did you find out any deeper desires or will to do or represent something in this life? What i mean is that did you discover some activity that you like to do for the sake of doing it, or did you see that you could become a healer to others, or leader of some sort, etc? I am too in a crisis about my future direction and purpose, but i have found help in discovering parts of me which i could potentially use in the future, but i have not the slightest idea yet how. Uncertainty seems to be the way for most people, although sometimes you can hear stories about people who knew from childhood what they're supposed to do.

    I hope this message you found some help in this message, and i hope that you find your way out of your despair. Love to you!
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  7. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Hey Haircomb, thank you for your kind message.
    I will reveal a bit about myself.

    I started becoming mentally and emotionally weird around 13 years old when i was diagnosed a hearth disease that required heavy surgery. Surgery went fine but from this point things went downhill. Around 16 yrs old i started to develop heavy insomnia issues.
    I didn't know how to handle those at the time.For something like 3 or 4 years, my life was pure hell. And believe me. I am not using these words lightly. Because of the degree of suffering, isolation, lost i encountered at this time, i built a very spiritual oriented mindset and started losing interest in the pleasures of life, who weren't available to me anyway.

    To make it short, i started gaining real deep understanding of myself and my condition 2 or 3 years ago (26 years old...) after a major depression, due to losing my job because of anxiety and insomnia issues. At this time i really felt like i tried everything and just wanted to blow my head off. Like i really wanted to, no sadness, nothing, just blow my head. It was a desire.
    So i gave up everything, and because i had heavy spiritual beliefs, just focused on my issues, peacefully, trying to figure it out.
    And then understanding started to flow. The only job i had was to be mindfull and try to balance myself daily. I developped deep understanding of my energy, body, awareness, that completed my spiritual disposition and observance of subtle laws. It took a year or two to reach normality.

    So now i am not insomniac anymore, i am confident, and i can do things that i could not imagine i could do.
    But i am still frail, as the psychic hurt is immense, and the tendency to anxiety is huge. Add to this that i am obviously a sensitive bloke and you get the picture.

    Nobody understood me. Nobody helped me. It was hell. all the feedback i got from the world was negativiy and judgment. For maybe 10 years.

    I don't know how i did it. But there is still work to do as i am not totally normal. I think i fucked up my body and i have to be careful not to undergo too much stress and fatigue otherwise i get trap in a cycle. I am not fully functionnal yet, i need to live at my own rythm.

    On the positive side i developped a degree of understanding and potential balance that most people don't usually reach. But to be honest i feel like i still need a year or two to be unshakable. I think that's not even the whole story but you will get where i come from.
     
    im_broken likes this.
  8. Thank you for sharing your story. That kind of experience will surely take it's own time to heal, and i'm glad to see that you have taken steps to listening to yourself. Years of judgements and negativity will surely wreak emotionality.
    I have had feelings similiar to yours. Last year i had nerve-wreaking stress (literally, my nervous system was messed up) about trying to become fiscally independent while doing things i wanted to do. I didn't have clear idea what my desires were. Also i had no experience or knowledge about starting any business. All that stress from feeling lost and purposeless combined with overtraining, doing physical work made me breakdown few times. There were moments, as you described on your own experience, when i wanted to kill myself, yet it wasn't out of sadness. Sounds weird, but it was almost like a physical need like hunger. It was kinda scary to go to sleep with that feeling, but at least i realized when i feel suicidal, or any precursor to it, there is something in my life which is shouting for change and i need to take the time to listen to it.

    Take your time to heal until you are ready to take your next step!
     
    Vedas_fr likes this.
  9. Vedas_fr likes this.
  10. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone checking in day 5. So far so good, i am back at a good energy level. I had huge accumulated tensions in my torso, and worked (meditated, relaxed consciously) on it quite a bit. This tension was causing me insomnia.
     
  11. Check out these anti-anxiety supplements they might help

    Lavender softgels https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lindens-Essential-Convenient-Association-Relaxation/dp/B06XPLTLLN

    Ashwagandha https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ashwanghan...=8-1-spons&keywords=Organic+ashwagandha&psc=1

    CBD Oil https://cbdbrothers.com/product/cbd-oil-blue-edition/

    If you try any let me know what you think about them
     
    Vedas_fr likes this.
  12. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Hey so i managed to do 7 days, actually more 6, while staying in a good energy and growing in calm. However last day was very agitated for some reasons, let go of my vigilance and had a bad night.
    So i will start over, and extend the challenge to achieving a stable energetic, mental and physical condition without interruption for a certain period.
    I am now aiming for 15 days.
     
  13. One mistake I made is putting too much pressure on myself to relax, while awareness requires some effort to see clearly when you're rushing or falling into old habits, it also has to be combined with a soft gentle letting go

    If you have to do something quickly then smooth "flow" is required, like tai chi

    Don't be hard on yourself though, when you burnout with anxiety it takes months or years to go back to near fully relaxed, even when resting, so you can't expect everything

    Let me know what you think about this

    GL
     
  14. Vedas_fr

    Vedas_fr Fapstronaut

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    Hey @im_broken, thanks for your insights.

    When reading me, i might seem like a lost individual, but the truth is that i am 29 yrs old, and for more than 10 years i have observed myself and accumulated much knowledge on life and myself, actually so much that i can't really share it with people as they wouldn't be fully able to comprehend. This being said i still have some malfunctions but i am quite confident i will overcome them.

    What you say about putting too much pressure is extremely true, this was a mistake i used to make years ago. You have to focus on actually achieving balance and relaxation, not obsess on the intellectual aspect of it, or stress about it. In fact you have to focus on the body, because we are the body (at least to a certain extent), become aware of what is wrong and relieve it.
    And yes, years of turmoil have created malfunction in my body, the worst being the tightness and pain that resides in my chest. When triggered by over exhaustionn or anxiety, this pain becomes intense and disturbs my sleep and character. When relieved i feel confident again. I believe all of us have individual diseases or malfunction that can only be self-treated by gaining awareness of them.
    I meditate deeply on the pain on my body and it is very efficient, provided you are patient and focused. However you also have to maintain mental and physical balance through your life for this treatment to be efficient.
    Life is hell as long as your body and mind are not functioning properly, and this can take years or even a lifetime to achieve. I believe i am 60% there.
     
    im_broken likes this.

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