Porn is always so near

Hello, been having a very bad morning, just kinda manic bad.

Porn is just always fucking there. I, like most people I carry a phone, work and family require I have one and at any fucking second I can have the entire world worth of porn in my palm. Ahhhhhh! Drug addicts have to go score their drug of choice, alcoholics have to buy something, even sex addicts have to work a little to get some sex to meet their addiction. Porn is always a fucking click away. It's like asking a alcoholic to carry a beer and not open it. I fucking hate this shit.

I was on reddit this morning and through a relatively harmless search found a lot of porn, just there posted on reddit. I did not stop, I scrolled through a few fucking pages, feeling a jump in everything body chemical my body could produce. I knew it was wrong and that I needed to leave but it took far to fucking long for me to collect myself. I did not masterbate but it felt like shit. Worse yet I spent the next couple hours kinda manic about it, pumping myself up more and more until I did the reddit search again looking for more shit. I stopped quicker but it's just always fucking there. I dont even know if I should call this a relapse or not, my head is a fucking mess.

My life has been a mess lately, losing my home, living with 3 people I love and 4 I fucking hate more than anything. My head has been telling me to go back to porn because it's something that I can have that's just mine, since I don't have anything anymore and can't really do anything that I used to love doing.

Sorry, just been a bad day and I fucking hate that porn is always just so damn close.

 

Okay, fine, if you can great. I'm on call for my job 24 hours a day. I got called into work Saturday at 2am because water was streaming down a wall from a hot water tank. Without my phone, what? I have to work and have to have my phone for work. We require an internet connection for online schedules and work orders. I hate technology, believe me I do without what I can do without, computers and tablets and such, and if I could do without a phone I would, oh man would I.

 

Well it's any number of things right now. I'm 240 days without PMO and have not seriously thought about looking at porn 150 plus days, almost since meeting my girlfriend. Then I lost my home, my things and basically my whole fucking life, now my brains is like "hey what about porn, it's right there." Yeah I get its discipline and a mental state, I used that logic last year when I lost 120 pounds, but I also had the resources to help myself. I could build something in my shop, watch a movie, watch some tv, build anything I used to love building. Now I have nothing, so I am left with nothing to distract myself with or otherwise reoccupy my thinking. I was prepared for a lot, but losing my home was not one and it has seriously messed with me.

 

Well I would love a world without internet again, I remember that world, everyone was a LOT happier. Now the world is only a click away, knowledge is freely available and everything is just right there. Everyone is miserable.

That made me think. Why did I find nofap at the beginning of the year? The answer is not really a good one. I wanted to loose my virginity on my 33 birthday, so I contacted a legal prostitute in Nevada for an appointment this last May. I started researching a number of things in preparation for my visit and one was the death grip, this led me to nofap and I decided to try and fix my death grip by rebooting so I could have sex with a hooker. So, I joined nofap to waste my life savings on a prostitute, a truly despicable one at that, even if she was legal she is still basically a conartist. A number of things happened before my appointment, for the good, I met my girlfriend and ended up losing my virginity to someone I love instead of a heartless conartist. I fell in love with my girlfriend and her two kids and we are working on making things work for a future together.

I did not end up visiting the prostitute, but have stayed on nofap for myself and my girlfriend, who knows about nofap and has supported me greatly. But it does occur to me that I joined nofap and began rebooting for the wrong reasons, I turned them into good reasons that may have saved my life. I say saved my life because having sex with 25 years of hard masterbation under my belt has left things very difficult to work and I doubt I would have even been able to get hard with the prostitute and probably killed myself at the failure. I failed with my girlfriend the first time, second time, third, fourth and so on but there was someone loving there to tell me she was not leaving me alone. Seven months later it's still an immense struggle that often leaves me depressed. So anyway just thought it was worth saying that I am glad I found nofap but when I did they were for all the wrong reasons.

 

Well all that sounds great until reality hits and you lose everything you worked your life for. Nofap unfortunately did not help me save my home. Truth is some people are just always losers, sure we can tell ourselves we aren't losers, but when reality sets in and the walls come crashing down some people are just born losers. Recent days have just kinda been a reminder, another reality check.