Need Advice or Help

So it's been about a month since the last D Day.

As I mentioned in my first post, the first D Day was about 7 years ago and there's been multiple D Days since despite him promising me that he would stop. For the past 3 years I thought he had genuinely stopped. I had monitoring software on his phone and he wasn't using any computers at home unless I was around because they were password protected.

But it has turned out the past 3 years he was using porn all along - not at home but at work.

When I first discovered this I kept it to myself for a day and the next morning decided that I would talk to him calmly and ask him how he's going with his abstaining from porn and whether he thinks about it much anymore or gets any urges - to give him an opportunity to be open and honest with me. He said, he was doing really well, doesn't think about it anymore or get any urges. We spoke for a good couple of hours, him feeding me Lie after Lie after Lie. I wanted to see how easily he just lies to me and really analyse if there are any signs that I've missed all these years. Was he behaving differently, did he seem uncomfortable, was he behaving awkwardly, was there any body language that indicated that he was full on lying to me. I couldn't really detect anything. I've come to the conclusion that it's probably because I've never known him any other way. i.e. our entire relationship he's been an addict and he's been lying to me so I've never known the non-addict version or the non-lying version of him so I can't tell the difference. After hours of listening to his Lies....I couldn't take it anymore and exploded at him that he's nothing but a Liar and I know darn well that he's been looking at porn all along but doing it at work and I now know it never stopped. He was paralysed by what I said and eventually admitted that yes he is nothing but a Liar and yes it has still been going on all this time.

For 2 days we fought and he slept on the lounge. I felt traumatised and felt like I was being sucked back into that deep dark black hole that I was in for years before over his porn addiction. After 2 days, I decided that I have to approach this differently because this is not helping either of us and so we talked and he promised he would stop and I would put monitoring software on his work laptop and he would start trying to help himself but how he was going to do that he didn't know. I told him I would support him in every-way possible but I needed him to be open and honest with me and to talk to me everyday about what is going on and his thoughts and feelings.

So for about a month I have been trying to be caring, affectionate, understanding, supportive and do everything right that I possibly can to support him and to try and put my feelings aside even though I am suffering, in pain, being swallowed by depression and anxiety again, and struggling to just keep moving forward. I have tried twice to talk to him about my feelings of betrayal, feeling like a victim and how I feel traumatised. On both occasions he said this is not helping him, and basically just switched off, started stonewalling me and then fell asleep. I didn't make a big deal of it, and just left it at that and carried on trying to be positive and support him so he will work on his recovery.

On Sunday, we were installing some storage units into the laundry. He made a suggestion about something and I jokingly said "No, what are we, Hillbillys?" and then about 30 seconds later I said "Could you imagine that on an interior design show?" He got angry and retaliated by saying that I am abusing him, and that he feels like he is being victimised and wants to talk about how I victimise him. Well this just triggered me. I just exploded, he feels victimised??? I retorted if anyone should be feeling like a victim right now it's ME not you. I have been trying to support you in your recovery for a month now, despite how hurt I feel, how traumatised and victimised I feel. I have got no support from you what so ever. The couple of times I tried to talk to you about my feelings, you just ignored me and went to sleep. And now you want to go on about how you feel victimised!!! We argued for hours....him refusing to listen, acknowledge or validate anything I said or how I feel.

So for 4 days now we have been fighting and he is sleeping on the lounge and we've had quite a few screaming matches. He refuses to talk to me about my feelings on his porn addiction and how I feel victimised, betrayed and traumatised until I acknowledge and discuss with him first how my trivial comments on Sunday were insulting and victimising to him. Even though, I have been bottling up how I feel about his porn addiction, and all these years of continued lies and how it affects me mentally and emotionally for a month now, just so I can try and support him.

I just feel he is so self-centred, self-absorbed, pigheaded, shows no remorse for what he has done to me, doesn't care about my feelings, refuses to listen to me, won't acknowledge or validate anything, wants everything on his terms, shows no respect for me whatsoever, and tries to make out that I'm just a mental case and everything is my fault. Even his inability to end his porn addiction - because if I do anything that upsets him, or makes him feel bad or if I say anything that he doesn't like then I'm Triggering him to use Porn.

So, I thought we were doing pretty well, but I'm feeling like I'm in a very dark place right now.....not sure where to go from here.

Am I the one whose really being that unreasonable?

Thanks for taking the time to read. Would appreciate any advice or suggestions.....

 

Thanks for your message and advice @Bobbyf76. I am definitely going to work on my own healing so I can not only help myself but be a better support to him too. It's wonderful to hear that you are now being so honest with your wife. It's so important, and I hope my husband can eventually understand how important this is in rebuilding trust. Best wishes with your recovery and to a much happier & healthier relationship. Congrats on the 150 days too, that's an awesome achievement!

 

Couldn't agree more Chudmeister. He's on NoFap so I hope he see's these messages from you all and takes note. It's great that there are men like you out there...who are learning from there mistakes. Congrats on your 216 days....you are doing sooo well!!

 

It sounds like you've come a long way especially with the no more lying....best of luck on your journey. Also, I think there's a tab at the top somewhere Update Day Counter if you want to reset it.

 

I'm sure your wife would understand that it's not about her - at least I do but it took some time for me to stop personalising it. But it's the lying that really hurts now and the betrayal of trust. It may take time to rebuild the relationship but being honest along the way will certainly make it easier to rebuild the trust. I agree that you need to ultimately focus on you but it doesn't hurt to understand her pain and trauma along the way and I'm sure she'd appreciate the support too. I read in someone else's post a while back the steps they believed were necessary and I agree - the addict works on their own recovery while the partner works on healing their own pain and trauma and you can both support each other in the best way you can, then together when you both are feeling ready you can work on healing the relationship.... Best of luck, I hope it all works out for you both....