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Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    How educated are you on her betrayal trauma?
    On your own addiction?
    On relationships dynamics and seasons of marriage?
    I have some books and a relationship seminar in my signature...
    Might be worth a gander.
    (the seminar is funny, and worth a watch at least once... If you don't like it, you can always turn it off)
    Otherwise it sounds like you have a good foot forward.
    I really like the thought journal thing!
    -Kenzi
     
  2. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 155.

    I have to admit that there is more I could learn. I think that I have learned a huge amount just from reading posts on here, but I agree that I could definitely learn more from books and videos, so I do intend doing some more research on everything around the addiction (on both sides of the coin).

    Thanks for the resources as well, I will definitely take a look at them!

    Today has felt pretty good, and yesterday we were helping my in-laws fit a new kitchen work top and went for some food after (which resulted in a late night, but an early morning wake up from the eldest still went ahead...).

    We were meant to pick up my new car today, but due to an issue in getting it taxed, it will be delivered tomorrow...

    Not to worry, we get to go and have Sunday dinner now :D
     
    Trappist and Kenzi like this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Also, @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has TONS of videos if those are your favorites... I her giant list of resources for the PA and SO... it's in her tag line.
    (now you will never run out of things to watch!)
    Have a happy weekend!
    -Kenzi
     
    Acky31 likes this.
  4. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 157.

    I have felt pretty good the last few days, I have received my new car and we are getting messages from builders asking to visit to give quotes, so it feels pretty positive right now.

    @Kenzi, I had a look for your resources in your signature but couldn't find them, am I being blind or are they hiding from me?! Also thanks for the info on @AnonymousAnnaXOXO's resources, I think you're right, I will never finish watching or reading all of them!
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  5. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    I downloaded an app that disables incognito mode and an app lock, I myself out of apps that can potenty make me relaps even the Google play store. You have to outsmart yourself and keep yourself away from it.i use Norton app lock and only my wife knows the passcode.
     
  6. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    We use incognito away app which blocks incognito mode however does not block samgung internets version of incognito so had to delete that completely from phone.
     
  7. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 158.

    Thanks @Chudmeister, like Tan says, we have got a few different accountability programs including incognito away, but also have hoverwatch and now ever accountable (which I quite like).

    Last night was terrible. Our eldest woke up at 1am and cried and moaned and was generally whingy until 3am, so we spent 2 hours trying to get her back to sleep, only to have the alarm wake us up for work at 5:30... so we're tired...

    None the less, the mood has been pretty positive between us recently and most of our talk has been focussed on the future. We have an exciting year ahead, if everything goes to plan (although, we have to prepare for things not going our way) :emoji_fingers_crossed:
     
  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 159.

    Yesterday was a good day. My dad came around and we had some awesome fish pie (courtesy of Tan!)

    The two kids on the other hand, have been poorly the past few days, and have been sick several times (some of that on me and Tan...). This has lead to a few days of limited sleep, but despite that, our moods remain positive and cheerful.

    Leaving the house for work this morning felt very positive and happy, and I felt like that took a weight off my shoulders, starting the day off well really makes the rest of the day a bit easier.

    @Kenzi, I started watching that marriage seminar, and it's pretty funny. I think I'll watch it with @Tan3110 later.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  9. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 160.

    Last night, our youngest was sick twice in bed (fortunately at the start of the night) but we still had a crap nights sleep, plus Tan has come down with a bad cold, so she slept badly anyway.

    Despite all of that, today has been good so far. We have had no issues, and we started off the day well.

    We made a start at watching the marriage counselling video together last night, but Tan was so I'll, she fell asleep about 20 mins in. She's at work till 9pm and my dad and a friend is coming round for food so we will maybe try again before bed.

    I'm considering buying some books to read about PA and related topics, and have a few ideas from different threads, but wondered if anyone else had any other suggestions of books, or journal articles, that they have read.
     
  10. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I was shattered although I feel better today. Lol I appreciate your effort in watching the videos.
     
    Acky31 likes this.
  11. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 163.

    We have had a pretty good weekend (other than Tan coming down with the same illness that has affected the girls). We managed to change a door in the house and lay foundations to two new gate posts in preparation for building a new garage, and in the future building an extension.

    With regards to the extension, three builders have been to see the plans and our house, and fingers crossed they will get back to us shortly with a not too unreasonable price...

    Tan said to me over the weekend that every time I tell her that I had to avoid looking at someone, it breaks her heart, which obviously makes me feel terrible, but I know that not telling her would just make things worse.
     
  12. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 164.

    I need to do better. I had said I needed to up my game to make Tan feel more comfortable when I'm at home when she's at work, and to be honest, I failed to do that.

    I still haven't had any relapse issues, but I need to do more, put in more effort, just to reassure her.

    We had an argument last night, and it's still the same things that I'm doing, that I need to do better, or be more thoughtful of.

    I need to do a lot of things, and I need to do it soon, or else I think that I'm going to end up pushing her further towards the edge, and I don't think she will take much more of my pathetic attempts at recovery.
     
  13. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    Trust is a hard thing to get back, but it can be earned. You're going to have to put in saftey measures to keep away from porn.
     
  14. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 165.

    Today has gone well. It was our youngest daughters1st birthday today, and we had a family meal tonight to celebrate (where half the people who said were going, flaked out, but that didn't detract from a good night).

    I feel like the mood has been positive between us, and obviously the birthday has helped that I think.

    We have been struggling to get our youngest to sleep the past few days, and she refused to nap today, however she went to sleep very well tonight, which I think is possibly down to a late night. I just have my fingers crossed for it repeating in future.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  15. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 166.

    Today we went into town for new shoes for the eldest, and we had a pretty good day. I did have some avoidances, but I did manage to avoid looking.

    Our youngest has just had her vaccinations today, so was not especially pleased this afternoon (although has remarkably gone to bed quite well so far, which is more than I can say for our eldest). Hopefully she will sleep well, as we are both up for work in the morning.
     
  16. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 167.

    Well, last night wasn't as bad as we had expected. She did wake up a few times, and fed in the night once, but all in all, it wasn't too bad (Although still woke up pretty tired this morning...)

    Things have been pretty good so far today, one avoidance to make at work, but otherwise no issues.

    We found out that our roof beams have a wood worm infestation, so tomorrow will be dedicated to the treatment of that unfortunately.
     
  17. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 169.

    Well, most of yesterday was spent crawling around the attic space, through a tiny gap between the two halves of the house, spraying all of the woodwork with wood worm killer, so not the best day ever, but not the worst.

    We went for food with the family after and I had a bath for the first time in ages (I must clarify that usually I shower, I don't just not wash...)

    Today, the kids have been somewhat testing, and I've been tired so I have been slightly short tempered while Tan has been at work. I took the kids out, as the youngest has been suffering from separation anxiety recently, and won't nap in her bed (and sometimes is difficult to nap on a night as well).

    We went into town for a few bits and bobs and picked up some food and walked to the park (I had a few avoidances in this time).

    The kids had a bit of a meltdown after that, but now I'm sat, with the eldest and my dad, while the youngest naps, watchin the lego movie.

    We'll be having Sunday dinner shortly, and I'm starving!
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
  18. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 170.

    A busy day today, after a frustrating night with the youngest (although, once we eventually got her down, she slept through), but I am tired today.

    After Sunday dinner yesterday, we went home and went up to bed, sorted some stuff out and saw to the youngest.

    We have booked some time away to Scotland this weekend (we were meant to just be picking up some doors for the house, but it's turned into a family weekend holiday), so I am looking forward to that.

    Generally feeling quite positive today, Tan is cooking some stew and dumplings for tonight, and I am massively looking forward to it!
     
  19. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

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    I hope not too excited for tea as I'm not cooking stew lol I'm doing mince and gravy.
     
    Acky31 likes this.
  20. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 171.

    I wasn't even slightly disappointed, one of my favourites!

    Today is the eldests first day back to nursery, and she starts full time with no naps, so fingers crossed she is okay for it.

    Work today has been busy as well, non stop from the word go (but I'd rather it busy than quiet!).

    Tan and I were talking last night, and we have decided that I should try and include something extra into my journal entries. So I'm going to start asking a question, and trying to answer it as part of my post.

    Tan suggested I ask myself- How would I feel if my daughter's were put into the same situation that we are in?

    Given the statistics on how many men use porn (there is a huge disparity in studies stating from 50% to 84% of men watch porn), chances are, they will end up in a relationship with someone who watches porn, I just really hope it's not someone that lies about it because they are ashamed.

    I think it's difficult for me to answer as a PA myself, however to know that my daughter had been betrayed, lied to over and over and been broken mentally because of their actions, I think I'd be pretty angry about it.

    In terms of understanding their addiction, I would be able to relate, but I would still find it difficult to accept the behaviour towards my daughter.

    I'd like to think that I would try and help, or suggest options for recovery etc, but in the moment, I'm not sure if I could.

    Please feel free to post your own answers!
     

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