Married but no sex

I will be following this of course

 

More or less , this is my problem too. My wife of 24 yrs has no interest in sex. We never had much sex after marriage. Porn took over for me at least. I know not what she does in regards to that. I've tried over these past 4 yrs to reconnect sexually but no real interest on her part. That turned me to massages 10-12 times to stop the M'ing which really brings me down. This time I will turn my efforts to retention and try to focus on work profession mainly. I have no answers to your question. But,I could relate. Good topic though. I will look for others to inject their wisdom. I'm 7 days no PMO.

 

It happened to me something like my marriage, which is over. Do not waste any more time and do not get sick anymore. Treat your pornography addiction as much as possible and put an end to the relationship. Sorry to be talking this way but it will only prolong your pain and your illness. Face the Truth and speak Truth. I speak this way because I did not do the same and the relationship took eighteen years. We only live once. Cut what hurts you.

 

@SharingTheLoadHelps what a very difficult and emotionally hard thing to be dealing with. Therapy helps.

I have gone years without intercourse before and stayed married and it eventually healed. There was real clinical issues and trauma my wife had to overcome. It was more psychological then just a matter of me being pure and sweet. It takes sometimes years of patience, sorry.

I did what you did and blamed my wife's problem for my self-serving endulgences of Porn and Masturbation. I recognize now My compulsions are independent of my wife's issues. Blaming her to justify my selfishness never works, in any sphere.

"Taking care of my needs" in fact is another rationalization we tell ourselves to feed the addiction.

The real needs are that of honesty, love, intimacy and communication. Escaping to the cycle of shame never fixes anything and certainly won't aid in the very delicate healing of a spouse who can't be sexual during a marriage.

It is frustrating to feel trapped and try to "be good" when you know you won't be served even if you are. That is the Porn brain thinking. Craving sex, or romanticizing about sexual pleasures that may not ever come as we wish, is Fantasyland. The reality, no matter how less than ideal, is what it is. Deal with that.

My best advice is this:

• Get professional help.
• Stay clean yourself, dont be the reason she shuts down.
• Use this opportunity to successfully reboot.
• Become new people together
• Treat her disfunction as you would a handicap, dont abandon her, love her more.

Best of luck to you. It's a tender road your on. Honor her, Honor yourself. You are doing a viliant thing. I wish you the utmost success with your goals.

 

This is your time!

 

This is powerful. I was married to a person with borderline personality disorder. Honesty, love, intimacy and communication were just not possible with her.

I turned to PMO as well to compensate, and this only brought shame and further destruction.

I want a relationship where there is these things.

 

Yes yes and yes.

 

Has she read the book "the betrayal bond"?
And have you both done the love languages quiz and read the book together to show each other the right kinds of intimacy and speak each other's 'language' as a way to build back twards common ground and sexually intimacy?

 

This is an excellent thread. I have no magic solutions to offer but it helps me to hear others' stories so here is mine. Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary. I came of age sexually during the 70's when the pill was a new thing and women were becoming more sexually adventurous. I had a wild and varied sex life before getting married. I remember talking to a buddy, wondering if I was going to be able to limit my sex life to only one person. My wife and I lived together for a couple of years before getting married. We had a great sex life. Tried swinging a little bit but the reality was not as good as the fantasy. I could always tell when her period was coming on because she became an insatiable sexual animal for a few days before her period started. We had great sex after our marriage too. About six years later our son was born and my wife suffered from post postpartum depression. She continues to suffer from depression and a host of other ailments. Our son will turn 26 this month. The last time my wife and I had sex was August, 2014. And yes, I have used this situation as an excuse to binge on porn. I love my wife, take my marriage vows seriously, and know that porn or cheating on her will not help. At 66 I still get boners in the morning but I just ignore them. I stay in good physical condition and eat relatively well. Hope this helps someone out there.

 

When I read some of the other posts on this site I realize how blessed I have been to have had great marital relations with my wife. Perhaps my time for sex is over. Who knows what the future will bring? I try to focus on being happy today. I have a wife that loves me and that transcends sex.

 

I dont know what kind of a relationship have to be to force a person to repress ones sexuality like that. I guess it can still be rewarding enough, but it cant be healthy. If there is love present that transcends sexuality, then id like to believe that sexuality outside marriage might help the issue while leaving that love intact. Being open and honest all the way. I heard this once: "Sex is 10% of a healthy relationship but its 90% of the problem when there is no sex."

 

I'd like to believe that too but I do not think it is realistic; not for me, anyway. You are right, though, in that I am not being completely open and honest with my wife. We have never discussed her loss of interest in sex.

 

Basically, she cheating you. Dont see that right? İf a woman dont want to sex with her husband, she allready found someone and had sex with him.

 

What you just said there is so dangerous and so false. Why should you be dependent on someone else to do something that is good and healthy for you? What about all the single people out there who are trying to get our of this addiction? Do you think they have no hope, because they can't possibly survive without orgasm? That's just not true at all. Not saying it would be easy, but you can definitely do this without her and you can definitely live without orgasm. Plenty of people here are doing it and have done it. Start believing in yourself. If you continue to believe that you can do this without sex from your wife, then I doubt you will succeed. If you think it's impossible to accomplish, then you won't even try. But it is possible