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question about scheduled sex

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by phuck-porn!, Jul 14, 2018.

  1. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    I'm throwing this out for comment because I really don't know what to think...

    my wife and I had a discussion a in which I was suggesting it made sense to schedule sex sometimes. not all encounters, but maybe sometimes. maybe 2x a month. she strongly said "no" - that women don't work that way. they can't jus turn it on, and what if it was a bad day etc. it started as a sorta academic discussion, but her response was so unbelievable to me that I kept pressing and it went on a long time.

    I suggested it was like a date: if we schedule a date and I've had a bad day, in general I would be expected to buck up and go on the date. this makes sense to me and seems normal (obviously there are limits: if my bad day was because my mom died it's different than if the bad day was because I stubbed my toe.) She just countered "sex isn't like a date!"

    the real bottom line (that we eventually got to) was that her refusal to even really consider a scheduled time of intimacy told me that my desire for sex with her was not very important to her. but that's my junk and her lack of sensitivity IMO.

    what do you all think?? is scheduled sex really some awful and abhorrent thing to women in general? what am I missing????????
     
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Sex isn’t like a date. You’re physically entering her body.
    I have no issue with scheduled sex, if both parties are good with it. She’s not, so if she agreed to it just to please you, she would likely be doing it out of obligation, not desire.
    I say take a different approach.
     
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  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I think the idea had merit and I see where you are coming from, but if she wasn't game, then it is good to abandon the idea. It needs to be agreed upon, and flexible. Otherwise, the purpose of it, to connect with each other, is null and void.

    I had the opposite experience. For a while, my husband wanted to schedule sex so he could get out of it. I am the higher drive one and it seemed his thinking was that if I knew when to "expect it", then I wouldn't ask more of him than what was scheduled. But then, he would only reference the schedule when it was convenient for him, meaning if it was a non-scheduled night and I asked for it, he could use that as an excuse if he wasn't in the mood. Let's just say that didn't fly for long at all. I only agreed to it to avoid a confrontation in the first place.
     
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  4. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Sex isn't a date. I agree with that. I personally don't really like the idea of scheduled sex, it makes it seem more like a chore than an expression of love and desire. Just a way to get off, not connect. I'm not against it either. I'm sure it works fine for some, but both people need to agree on it.
     
  5. If you want to schedule sex, go see an escort.
    You don't push that kind of thing on a woman you want to love.
    I M O
     
  6. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    The idea of scheduled sex with a known PA feels uncomfortable for me. I would wonder if he was using again, and wanted some warning of when to avoid/reduce porn for a few days in advance of the scheduled time so that DE would be less likely. Hiding the evidence, so to speak.

    I'm sure that this is not your goal at all. As a wife of a PA who is pretty early in recovery, I would just be automatically suspicious.

    If PA was not an issue, I'd be fine with a schedule. I would insist, however, that the scheduled time also include some bonding/romance. I'd probably suggest to my partner that we take turns planning little dates on the appointed days. If I was just expected to show up in the bedroom naked at 9:00PM every-other-Thursday, my enthusiasm would be very low.
     
  7. I think there is a compromise but it would be dicey. You could schedule a time to be romantic, intimate and affectionate. If it turned into sex great, but you would have to be willing for it to not. I'm thinking like a back rub senerio or a deep talk on the bed. Basically a time set aside to be close and physical but without any forgone conclusions.
     
  8. SanSolo

    SanSolo Fapstronaut

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    In a situation where both partners had some enthusiasm for sex and things like kids, school, jobs, social commitments, whatever, get in the way, this might work. Assuming both partners agree. This is not likely to be the answer to one wants and the other doesn't.

    I am loathe to draw any sweeping conclusions based on about a dozen sentences, but it does seem like you two might have some issues with compatability that go way beyond the scope of the question here. I feel for you . Good luck.
     
  9. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I feel like if both partners think it is a good idea then it is! I mean we schedule massages, dates etc and I can see the validity esp when parenting young children and there is never enough energy.

    That being said, sometimes I feel fat, bloated, gassy (lol) and just don't want to. So if I didn't feel up to it I would feel bad.

    Also, the number 1 fantasy for women (not all women, just statistically speaking) is to turn a man on with such desire that he WANTS HER. Bad. Maybe scheduling takes away from that feeling? Makes it more of a "service"....
    And I agree with Max ^^^ schedule date nights, bonding nights and that might take the pressure off.
     
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  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    i remember pitching scheduled sex to my husband and he didnt go for it. I think scheduling time for romance is a better start for sure, build some emotional connection first, then you can naturally lead into sex
     
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  11. suntannedsailor

    suntannedsailor Fapstronaut

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    I have experienced scheduled sex. Some years ago my wife felt under pressure that I was asking for it all the time. Led to a crisis (in other places here I am discussing the current crisis about the same topic :)) and I suggested a scheduled sex for twice a week. She eventually agreed and at that moment became relieved because I stopped asking for it the other days. It worked for couple of weeks, we both truly enjoyed it, then she started to have reasons not to maintain the schedule and eventually it stopped working. You just can't make anyone to want/desire you, that's the bottom line. Your request twice a month sounds really really modest. I bet there still would be a huge gap between your desire and twice a month. Imagine then, on the scheduled day, she "stubs a toe", says no (after all lack of sex is only your problem) and your balls explode...so again, even convincing her would not necessarily lead to what you truly desire. Her reaction seems, on the other hand, quite insensitive. I believe, sex is just the tip of the iceberg and if there is not enough attraction, there is a deeper issue (just like with myself) worth exploring.
     
  12. This would have never worked with my boyfriend. He kind of expected it and then it needed to happen. Not fair. But schedule would not work
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I've been reading your journal for a long time.. And in your personal life, she doesn't really give you a opening for sex... Ever. So for the two of you... It might be a solid starting point.
    I wouldn't say everytime, either... I'd say once a month, and maybe not even follow through if it's uncomfortable... You would need ground rules, like other sex activities, but I'd say yes.... As long as you both Always follow them. (IE code word to exit if it's too uncomfortable for either of you - and honor this)

    For everyone else, and a general idea of the question of schedule sex...
    I'd say it honestly depends on the people in the couple and the situation.
    It can be a good way to find your grounding.
    I know we (me and my SO) did it for a while because I wanted him to be comfort and confident with trying because of his PIED... So I told him Try everyday. Just try. I understand... Because I did.
    This WORKED.
    And he was able to gain some traction and we are better for it.
    Alot better.
    Both people have to compromise.
    It's what being in a couple is...
    It's Not Being Selfish.
    Which is also what sex is.
    It's Giving yourself to the Other Person.
    Masturbation is taking only for yourself.
    If you think of sex as only getting for yourself, you are still only masturbating.
    So, yes, scheduled sex, if it helps you get out of a selfish mindset, is probably the best answer for alot.
    It could help PAs go "ok, I'm going to GIVE today" (practice, practice, practice)
    Although if their brain and heart aren't in This, it Will fail.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This is my whole argument.
    Intimacy does not just appear, it has to be sparked. If you go in with the mindset of your giving yourself, then you Should get intimate and spark at some point.
    But it's in the mindset.
    If you just go in with the "yeah, sex" mindset, you get.... Just that.
    I think ground rules should be established... And each person should have a Out if they are uncomfortable, and it should be able to be used, no matter which stage of the motion things are in.
    Things will eventually get easier... Or eventually both parties will know for sure it's just never going to work anymore.
    But I do think it's worth trying.
    IF the PA can practice being unselfish and has already been unselfish in other areas of life
     
  15. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    If you want more sex, give more love. A woman is not like a man.

    Carve out a few minutes to give her something she likes daily. Foot rub, a treat like chocolate or bringing her a favorite drink. Notice her. If you like something she’s done, is wearing, a new hair cut, say so. Pay attention when she’s talking to you. Offer to help her with a task she’s involved in.

    You will build a lot of “credit” with her.

    Another big thing is touch her without expecting it to lead to sex. Brush her hair away from her face. Gently hold her face when you kiss her. Give her a warm hug. Look her in the eyes.

    My husband has a tendency to either not touch me at all or grab my private parts. It makes me feel objectified and not loved. Kissing is nonexistent or perfunctory. He ignores me when I’m talking by looking at his phone. And of course he’s PMO’d our sex life into the abyss. It’s little more than my conviction that we should stay married that keeps it together some days. That and he does work hard for our family. Otherwise I just don’t feel like a wife. I feel like a celibate maid and nanny.
     
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