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It's not worth it

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by iwanttobemyoldselfagain, Dec 3, 2014.

  1. iwanttobemyoldselfagain

    iwanttobemyoldselfagain Fapstronaut

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    I'm standing at a fork and need to choose between two paths. Choosing one will completely alienate me from the other and I dunno if I will ever be able to retract this decision.*I restarted nofap for me a week ago and was seeing results. Also I have finals coming so I had no time to think about PMO. Unfortunately, that left me a lot of time to think about other things. My life, what I'm studying and what is going to be my career, for my whole life and how I hate it, don't understand it, can't imagine spending a lifetime doing, and yet for all intents and purposes, will be exactly what I'll be doing forever. This realisation hit me like a brick, along with the memory of why my addiction started in the first place.*I was aware when I joined my course that it was not going to be easy doing something that I don't like, but I was willing to endure it, for my parents who really wanted me to do something respectable. But once it started it was so difficult. My life was slipping out of my hands and I could do nothing about it. I was being pushed further and further away from my true calling, which my parents didn't approve and forbade me to do. The burden of obedience was too much. I chose fanfiction and masturbation to forget my life, my career, my family, everything. I became a poor excuse of my old self, dull and pale and stupid and dead. My marks dropped, but I didn't fail or anything. My parents suspected nothing, and part of me is angry with them for pushing me to this, to take up something so disgusting just to escape reality.Cut to two years later, when finally I'm getting a grip on this and ready to kick the addiction, and the madness, which was blotted out by M, is coming back. The fear, the anxiety, the crying and the sleeplessness is back. I'm borderline suicidal again, and I'm probably going to end up doing something bad if I don't stop now. All this coz I quit M, coz I chose to come back to reality. But the reality is too much for me to handle.*What should I do? Keep feeding my addiction, let it slowly devour me, sleepwalk numb through*life just to keep my parents happy? Or quit, face things and do what's gotta be done? The reality of my life is crushing me. The addiction is crushing me. Whatever I do, I'm going to be hurt. But if I pick the first option, at least my parents will be happy, unsuspecting. Is the price to pay for their happiness too much, or too little? Can I really barter my life, my dreams, to keep them oblivious and happy?
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2014
  2. ADC

    ADC Fapstronaut

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    Hey guy ! First I'd like to ask you a question ; how old are you ? For how long do you think you have been addicted ?

    I'm 22 and have been addicted for almost 10 years. Before starting Nofap I was always stressed (it's not even the word to describe my state). I couldn't stand talking to someone. I mean couldn't fucking stand talking to someone even of my own family ! My own mother, my own father I was stressed as hell everytime I had to say hello to them !
    Just imagine how I was with unknown people. I stoppped university because of this. I felt like I was dying from a heart attack everytime I was walking in the university. I couldn't stand being watched by the other students. I even had heart problems because of this.
    I couldn't think anymore. I was losing memory and that's all for real. I was a "skinnyfat" guy cause no sport and bad life habits.

    Four months later I'm starting to forget how it was to be that man. I even have a girlfriend and nobody will never know how it was unexpected for me to have a girlfriend four months ago.

    I know you don't suffer from the same problems as I used to but if you want to know something :

    IT IS WORTH IT. BEING ADDICTED IS NOT LIVING. IT IS SURVIVING.

    In case you need more help : http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
     
  3. JensDK42

    JensDK42 Guest

    I would like to know what the job you are talking about, is
     
  4. Karegador

    Karegador Fapstronaut

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    I've never had parents who forced or tried to force me down any specific path as far as career and study is concerned. So I may not be the best equipped to answer this but I'll do my best.

    I don't know what career and line of study you are being forced into but from what I've learned over the course of 29 years on this planet is that you have to do for yourself. Yes, your parents may think a certain career is more "respectable" or "profitable" but in the end a career needs to be something you enjoy. If you force yourself into a career you hate you will slowly die inside and that can manifest itself physically, as you seem to be experiencing.

    Without knowing what kind of hold your parents have over you. Aside from the devoted child who wants to do right by their parents, I can only say that in the grand scheme of things you are beholden only to yourself.

    Sorry to sound grim here, please forgive me if this is unwelcome. Your parents will eventually die, leaving you with whatever life they have forced upon you. If you hate it, what kind of legacy is that, to leave your kid. As I see it, parents often lose focus of where the boundaries are in the parent/child relationship. They have guided you since you were in diapers, trying to help you become the best person you can be. Thus they view their children as an extension of themselves, which is not bad, but some forget that this extension has likes and dislikes and ambitions of its own.

    My advice to you is that you should peruse the career that makes you happy, the life that makes you happy. Sit your parents down and thank them for all they have done for you in your life and explain to them that you need to do this. That denying you dreams and ambitions is hurting you. This may cause tension and they may not like it. But once it is out there and you start going after the life you want, you can start healing. And sooner or later you and your parents can heal your relationship, if it was at all hurt or strained.

    Honestly, what you describe your post is alarming. I hope I've helped and you can start healing. If it helps, feel free to message me and I will be happy to lend an ear and advise when appropriate.
     
  5. Ghost.

    Ghost. Fapstronaut

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    It's obvious what you should do. Pursue what you love and with all due respect, fuck your parents.

    Does it suck? yes it does. Did you probably waste a lot of time? yea, you may have. Quit tomorrow and take up what you love doing. Start your dream major. You may have lost a few years but that's nothing compared to losing the rest of your life. I don't care how fucking respectable the job they want for you is. If you'll be miserable doing it - they have no respect for you.

    Seriously I've seen way too many people in your position and no one ever said "thank god I always did what everyone else expected me to". Your parents won't be around forever. No one around you will. Live life the way you want to, because in the end the only person you ever will or ever have owed anything to is yourself.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2014
  6. TheOxenMan

    TheOxenMan Fapstronaut

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    I know exactly what you mean, not being able to communicate properly with family as well as friends that once understood you as a person is a clear sign of general anxiety. I used to suffer this between the ages of 21 to 25.
    What helped me most was this TED talk I watched at the age of 24 where this guy explains being present in every moment you live and not being overly concerned with one minute ahead or behind the present time. He also explained the less your mind diverts from the present the happier you get.
    Anyways it's been a while since I felt any heavy stress or anxiety but I'm afraid its not withered away completely. I was wondering, how is it possible eliminate these habits in just 4 months. What was it that you did to achieve this?
     
  7. iwanttobemyoldselfagain

    iwanttobemyoldselfagain Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for all the replies. It's the first time I'm sharing this, so it means a lot that you took the time to think about my situation and help me.
    All of you seem to be of the same opinion that I should do what I love. That is not very easy. I'm heavily invested in the course I'm doing, and it'll take a while to be completed. And recently my parents told me they want me to pursue higher studies in this course. You can't imagine what that did to me.
    All my escape routes are shutting down. The moment when I'll finally be free of this is being pushed farther and farther away, and now the possibility is imminent that I might not escape at all. I'm all out of options.
    Now if I turn back to PMO it'll be with a heavy heart and total sense of resignation and failure, because it won't be because I'm deeply addicted. I'm, in all honesty, kind of in the shallow end of addiction. I've never watched porn, just indulged in reading erotica and fanfic which consumes all my time and makes me feel like crap. Now if I have to return to it I will be angry, at myself and at the world. And I dunno what to do. i really don't know. You may peg me for a coward, but the one time I told my parents what I wanted to do in life they refused, and they told me I'd fail at it, fail in life, so I never asked them again.
    I'm sorry for rambling like this. I know this has ceased to be about PMO, and it must look like I'm going off-topic. But this is probably the root of my sickness, the root of all my problems, and talking about it here is my way of trying to analyse it and find a solution.
    I really don't know. Thanks for reading anyway.
     
  8. Karegador

    Karegador Fapstronaut

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    As I stated in my reply, I do not know what kind of a hold your parents have on you that puts you at their mercy. I can only assume it is monetary.

    I understand that you feel trapped, scared, and helpless. All I can offer is a quote from Shakespeare, "To thine own self be true.".

    It is a quote that has a great deal of meaning to me because it has been a philosophy of life for me. I have built myself around it. When I feel trapped, as you do now, I remember that quote and it gives me the strength I need to push on and do what I must to keep true to myself.

    You may find yourself trapped with few exits and the few that remain are almost as terrifying as the path you are being forced down. However, sometimes you just have to take a plunge into one those exists and have faith in your ability to cope with unknown, be it alone or with friends/family at your side.

    Do I think you are a coward? No. Do I think you are scared? Yes. Is it understandable? Yes.
     
  9. Ghost.

    Ghost. Fapstronaut

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    Why do you feel the need to go on with what someone else wants for you? Drop the course your parents push you for and take up the one you love.

    It really is as simple as that, even though you might now find all kinds of excuses not to.

    No one can judge you for pursuing your dreams. And if anyone does, they're not people worth having in your life. Parents / brothers / sisters / friends, it makes no difference.
     

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